I have a step-son who is 13yrs old. I have recently had an argument with him about having him help his sibblings clean up their toys. He totally ignored me and continued laying down on the coach. So then I decided to raise my voice (like always when it comes down to him), and he just totally disrespected me by talking back while his father looks at me like I did something wrong. how do I deal with tring to keep order in my house with my own children when my step-son doen't respect me? Then later My husband and I got into it b/c he disaplines our daughter and I laugh because he has no problem doing it to our children but when it comes down to his son he won't do 1/2 the disapline on him. Am I wrong? Wanting my step son to pitch in with the chores or helping his sibblings clean up before bed time even if he did not do the mess. I really don't know what my question should really be but I do know I need some really good advice on how to deal with my step-son and how to handle my husband?
2007-12-07 19:12:10 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
You need to make the rules and enforce them TOGETHER. It shouldn't matter who's child is who's. Same rules apply to all and when a rule is broken the punishment is the same for ALL of the kids. You need to set hubby down and talk to him. He may worry about upsetting his kid and having him run back to his mom. He's not doing him any favors by letting him act like a lazy brat.
Step parents get a bad rap because they are often blamed for things that are not their fault. Sometimes it's just an issue of misguided anger because the kid doesn't want to punish the parent they're really mad at and may not even realize they are mad at. So they take it out on the step parent and see the step parent as the reason for all of their troubles.
The kid is going to treat you the way you let him treat you. If hubby doesn't back you up then he needs to keep his comments and his looks to himself.
Best of luck!
2007-12-07 19:19:20 · answer #1 · answered by MISS H 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I understand where you're coming from, but keep in mind where the poor boy is coming from, too. His family got ripped apart, and as far as he's concerned, you're intruding. Suddenly he has to share his dad's attention with not only you, but your new kids as well.
Your husband is also probably feeling a lot of guilt towards his son. Yelling is not the proper way to approach these kinds of delicate situations. Instead, you and your husband need to sit down and figure out a game plan. Agree on what behaviors are tolerated and what are unacceptable. It's extremely important that you and your husband present a united front on all issues. If something comes up, consult your husband before answering it yourself. Also, allow your husband to be the one who asks your son to participate. Positive reinforcement has shown to have stronger and longer-lasting effects than negative reinforcement.
My mom created a chart with a list of chores on it, and stuck it to the fridge. I was expected to do 3 minor chores per day (make the bed, tidy my desk, help fold clothes, etc). Each chore was worth a certain number of points. At the end of the week, depending on the number of points I earned, I was allowed a reward (going out to a movie, having an extra hour of tv, having a friend sleepover.) Of course when she & my dad first told us kids about this, we were upset. We called it "stupid" and tried to talk her out of it.
The upside to that kind of a system is if he does something rather severe that does need punishment, you don't have to raise your voice or have a fit. You simply take away a privilege. (No tv for a day, no friends on Friday, no Xbox). Your husband needs to be clear and direct with him. If he loses a privilege, he needs to understand why. "Because of your actions ______, your father and I have decided that you will lose ______ privilege."
It's difficult for you to discipline him because he's not your son, and as he's made you aware of, you are not his mother.
It could be he's feeling really lonely. Sometimes the best cure for misbehavior is more love and affection. Encourage him and his dad to have "special" time together so they can continue to bond.
Also try listening to Dr. Laura. Her website is www.drlaura.com. She's an amazing woman who often helps people with dilemmas like these.
Good luck!
2007-12-07 19:27:25 · answer #2 · answered by zmamasita 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your husband... should have a little more respect for you... and the fact that is your house too... If you cant say anything in your house?! Then where can you?
You need to put your foot down as much as possible... I know I was a step-mom at 19... and it is still a struggle... my husband used to be the same way.
You need to get a grip on it only because you have children in the house that are witnessing this boy's behavior and they are gona think that is ok!
That's where your husband come's in,... I believe with stepchildren there can be no "GOOD COP/ BAD COP" If you ask your stepson todo somethin' or punish him in your house! Your husband need's to have your side... so that the boy will see that its not you being mean or picking on him... you are askin for one simple thing!
P.S.
YOU ARE NOT WRONG!
2007-12-07 19:23:30 · answer #3 · answered by Jus Me 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to have a talk with your husband. The two of you need to be on the same page. The son needs to be given a lesson or two. Disrespect is not tolerated at my house. I do not agree with making him clean up someone elses mess. They should be responsible to clean up after themselves. Is this why he ignored you? I think that he disrespects you because his father allows it and then you fight about it. Do not think that the kids do not see and hear what is going on. No matter how well you think you are hiding it you are not. The bigger problem is your husband. He is the one that needs to clear this up with the son. When he knows that his behavior will not be tolerated he will straighten up. If your husband will not do this it is not going to get any better.
2007-12-07 19:43:38 · answer #4 · answered by kim h 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Assalamu alaykum Based on hadith you should search for your spouse by knowing well about (1)the success of his ancestors and parents (2)his handsomeness and good education (3)his good job and wealth and (4)his good knowledge about Islam and his good practice in his daily life The most important is number 4 but the best if your would be spouse meets all of 4 requirements You must remember that the advice of your parents just like the voice of Allah and your marriage will be happy if it is supported and permitted by your parents.Your spouse is decided by Allah although you do not know who he is.You must make effort to find him with patience You must remember that this world is so extensive and so big not just like a leaf. I hope you will find the best one at last insha Allah.
2016-05-22 03:19:37 · answer #5 · answered by kecia 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Perhaps your step son has issues with the days gone by when his parents split up? Maybe he sees you as the person who took his father away? Perhaps no one attended to HIS emotional needs during their divorce?
There could be a million reasons.
And children don't respect us until we respect them first..
take it from there...
2007-12-07 20:21:52 · answer #6 · answered by letterstoheather 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Blame Cinderella.
2007-12-08 06:54:19 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
THat sounds like my house! im 13 i got a stepbro that anoys us all exept his father because he the blue eyed angel! HE always gets into trouble and my mom cant take it anyways... what i say is not advice but what happened.. We moving out away from them.. how nice is that :-{
2007-12-07 19:40:36 · answer #8 · answered by ciandri z 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
step-parents always get the bad rep b/c they are supposed to be the evil step who doesn't let you do anything. and no your not wrong for wanting your step-son to help clean up. and i think your husband shouldn't treat him differently b/c he thinks he can get away with anything.
2007-12-07 19:30:46 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋