My daughter in law wants my son to choose her or me because she got mad at Thanksgiving about the car???

Question

Their car is in bad shape especially the tires. 2 weeks before Thanksgiving one of the tires went flat. My daughter gave her a tire and all she had to do was have it put on her rim. In the meantime I took her to work, picked her up from work and told her several times to get the tire put on the rim. She waited until the day before Thanksgiving to fix it and drove the car to her ex husbands , a 40 mile trip one way, to pick up her daughter because her ex , (he has custody) told her that they were having dinner with his parents and he would not bring the daughter until Friday. The last time she drove there the car broke down and I had to go pick her up and pay for the wrecker to pull the car back. This is a hardship on me. So I told her and my son not to take a chance driving the car that far anymore. It is easier for me when it breaks down here to pick them up usually late at night and tow the car in than when they go to the next state. I also told her I would take her to pick

up her daughter on Friday when I had time. They lied to me going. Lucky for them the car made it there and back. But I told them both that when the car leaves them on the side of the road again so will I because they know not to make those trips in that broken down wreck.
Last week she told my daughter that she didn't like it that I said something about her going to get her daughter in a broken down car.
She doesn't get the point that when anything happens because of things she does that I am the one they call and I have to deal with it and I do not want to have to go that far to pick them up again.
I feel taken advantage of. The house they live in is mine, rent free. Every car they have had in the 4 yrs they have been together I bought and they tore it up. She doesnt have a drivers license , I have paid fines for her, paid light bills, bought groceries, paid towing bills, car repairs while she spends their money for expensive gifts for her daughter instead of paying bills

My son has a daughter with her that is 3 yrs old . He lets her handle all the money and make all the decisions because if she doesnt get her way she threatens to take their daughter away and never let us see her again. I have tried to get him to stand up to her and I know that I shouldnt do as much as I do but I cant let my granddaughter suffer without lights or food.

Thank you everyone for your answers and mom23 for your understanding. It is a hard situation. I know I have to stop and let them sink or swim on their own. I started helping them because my son goes to college and works part time and I want him to finish school so bad so he can get a good job. He is her 3rd husband. She abandon both of her kids. She is legally not allowed to see her son.I was against my son marrying her because she has so much baggage. It's a lot more than what I have posted here. She even tells us that my son may not be the baby's dad.She does that when she doesnt get her way and threatens to take her away.
To the person that said they would do the same thing about the car to go get her daughter. I ask why since she abandon the child and is not a mother to that child every day like she should be and she takes her away from her dad and his family at holidays just to show them she can. then she treats the child terribly. Screaming at her the whole time.

Answer 1

I have been there done that ! Your story sounds soooo familiar ! I finally just stopped...you really have to or else they will continue to look to you for everything in life and never grow up and they HAVE to or their life will always be hard, you have to realize you may not always be in a position to "help" them and you won't always be here , then what will he do ? and it turns them into not so great people.., It's very hard and if your son is like mine and it sounds as if he is...expect him to "choose" his "wife" and walk away from you and your family for a time...and hopefully someday.. he grows up realizes his mistake and comes back....

Answer 2

guess in reality you have not been in the same situation, or have you?? now think carefully if you had a child elsewhere and your ex would not bring that child to you, what would you do, well most people would go and pick the child up because they love that child, and secondly some people would not impose on somebody else, specially if they have been nagging about something, sure she could have had the tire fixed, but why couldn't your son have had the tire fixed, maybe we need more information to clarify that situation, but your son is supposed to be the bread winner in the family, so he has the responsibility to supply her with a car that is safe and reliable to go where they need to go, do not condemn her without putting some blame onto your son, and if you do not agree with this comment, then you must have omitted some important information that we needed to know when you asked the question

Very simple you have spoilt your son rotten, make him pay rent, even if you only put it aside for them or your grand child in later life, sorry you have made the situation yourself, what sort of son do you have?? he is a user, he needs to pay his way through life and his family, and once they can do that then and only then they will have more respect for you, but you have to earn respect too, and the first way to earn that is to make then rely on their own income, and pay their own way through life

Answer 3

You need to set boundaries. Stop paying all of their bills and bailing them out. They are BOTH are taking advantage of it. Their finances are between them. It's up to HIM to take control of the situation.
I can see your frustration that you are footing the bill. But I don't think it should be something held over their heads. When I give something it's because I want to help and I'd never expect that to give me a say in that persons decisions. Now if I gave money and they blew it foolishly, I wouldn't do that again. If I gave a car and they trashed it I wouldn't do that again either.
It's even MORE unfair of them to take such advantage of you. Stop enabling them and make them act like the adults they are. Close the purse and let them figure it out.
As for mom going to pick up the child, I can say I'd have done the same thing. I couldn't imagine a holiday without one of my kids.
If she wants to make the son choose her or you then she is way out of line and it would say a lot about your sons character if he chose.
I'd say step back out of the situation and let them deal with things on their own. If she does leave that doesn't mean you and your son will not see his child anymore. Much less, yes, but unless she can prove him unfit he will have visitation.
Set boundaries and enforce them. Make it clear what you will and won't tolerate. Stop letting them walk all over you. It sounds like you have a very compassionate heart and they are abusing it.
Best of luck!

Answer 4

1) Tell your son to grow up and be a man and teach his wife some manners.
2) Stop extending your life and limb for someone as ungrateful as your DIL. She deserves what's coming to her.
3) Kick them out of the house they've lived in rent free. Or tell them to pay rent or make sure everything you give them is in tip-top shape or else you'll charge them rent to pay for the things they wreck.
4. doesn't the fact that she's divorced bother your son? She could have done the same things with the 1st husband.

Answer 5

First of all you have got to stop recuing her all the time. If her car breaks down in another state then it is her problem and don't you get involved. The more you reach out to help her the worse she will get in taking you for granted. She is a grown woman and there needs to be consquences to her actions and decisions otherwise she will never grow up.

Answer 6

Stay out of it. If your daughter in laws car breaks down it is your son's problem. If they are together and break down why is he calling you? Probably because you bail them out.

They are grown ups, let them be grown ups, make them be grown ups. You are enabling them. There is no reward for anyone if you do that.

Be the doting grandmother and that is it. You raised your son to grow up and live his own life and have a family of his own, not to have you always bail them out.

Good luck!

Answer 7

JUST STOP HELPING THEM LET THEM BE, LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE. LET HER LEARN HER LESSON. BE A GOOD MOTHER LOVE THEM. LET THEM KNOW THAT IT COST YOU SO MUCH MORE WHEN THEY HAVE PROBLEM'S AT HOME. LET THEM KNOW THAT YOUR A GOOD MOM THAT YOU PLAN YOUR OWN LIFE AROUND YOUR OWN SCHEDULE. TELL THEM TO GET BETTER JOBS. TELL THEM TO GROW UP AND DEAL WITH THEIR OWN FINANCIAL PROBLEMS SO YOU WONT HAVE TO BE BLAIMED OR PUT IN THE MIDDLE ANYMORE. CAUSE THEY CAN'T HANDLE THEY ONE HOUSEHOLD AFFAIRS. TELL THEM YOUR NOT JUST A MOTHER BUT A HUMAN BEING THAT IS FINISHED BEING TREATED LIKE A SERVANT AND ONLY WANTED WHEN YOU CAN BE USED. TELL THEM NO MORE USING YOU OR YOUR KINDNESS OR YOUR MONEY.

Answer 8

Finish the story!

Answer 9

Stop helping her for at least a year, and let her sink or swim.