My son's great grandma is trying to go against my wishes. What do I say?

Question

I've told all of my family that my husband and I plan on raising our children with Chirstmas but not with Santa. I see no harm in this as it is over-commercialized, not the meaning of Christmas (family unity & the birth of Christ, to us, is more important) and as it's just become some expected hype, that to me, is more trouble than it's worth. I make my son's life eventful as it is & we have a great time everyday.
My grandma is convinced I'm "robbing him of childhood memories" like thats the only thing in his ewhole childhood he'd have!
There's a Christmas party at her church. She's asked to take him- I've agreed. Here's the thing: I asked her not to have him sit on Santa (I know she wants to take a picture) She's upset, her and my sister, saying that they're going to anyway. That upsets me. This is a personal decision by my husband & I and to have them just try to undermine me like that bugs.
What should I say to her? I've already told her how I feel & it was basically dismissed.

Also, I told her I see no point in taking pics with Santa if it is not to be a part of his childhood or his scrapbook... there are plenty of other photo-ops, like Christmas and birthday... and at the park or outside playing with Dad... why does she feel this stupid picture is so important?

To the couple of people who've labeled me as "petty"... I hardly think trying to be CONSISTANT from an early age is petty. Consistancy is important in child rearing, whether it's something like this or discipline and rules... ALSO.. I don't like to allow people to dictate what I do with my child. Plain & Simple

To KT: there is nothing wrong with Santa if that's what you want to do or your family does, and so on. This just so happens to be something we are not interested in joining the hype on. If all of a sudden there was a LolliPop day established, and people were trying to get you to celebrate and visit the LolliPop Fairy to get a treat and recieve a kiss on the head from her... would you just because it was the HYPE? Do you see my point? If you thought a LolliPop day would be fun or a good thing for your family, I'm sure you'd participate. But if you thought, like we do w/ Santa, "what's the point?" then I'm sure you'd kindly avoid it and go on about your way.

Answer 1

I can see your point, but I can also see hers.

You want to make sure you aren't making Christmas about NOT believing in Santa. Does that make any sense? If you are going out of your way to refuse to allow him to participate in ALL Santa-related activities, that takes away from the purpose of the season as well.

In his everyday life, you are not teaching him about Santa being the highlight of Christmas. Going to a Christmas party and seeing/talking with Santa once is not going to completely turn around what he learns in all other respects.

And you've got to keep in mind, for several years, your son will be in the vast minority of children who don't believe in Santa Claus. He's GOING to be presented with it at every angle. Just yesterday, I went to my son's kindergarten Christmas program, and they sing songs like "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." And it's the entire class singing. So if your son were in that class, he'd be up there singing about Santa, even if he didn't believe in him.

You're right, she should honor your parenting decisions. There's no disputing that. And if you decided to just not let him go, because you're upset about the whole Santa thing, that would be understandable.

If it were ME, though, I would talk to Grandma first, in a non-accusatory tone, and tell her that you understand what she's saying, but that she needs to respect your parenting decisions.

And then I'd start thinking, as objectively as possible, how he would feel in the situation. If al lthe other kids are doing something, will not joining in make him feel alienated? Even when you don't buy the legend, all the corny Christmas stuff can be fun. It might be worth it to sit down with him and have a talk about it. You don't have to retract what you're teaching him about Santa not being real, but it might not be a bad idea to let him know that as long as he understands it's pretend, it's okay if he wants to participate in the activities with the other kids.

Answer 2

I respect what you feel and think. Your not petty by any means.

This is your child. AT this point, i would be telling grandma, okay if you can't go with my wishes then i'm sorry my child will not be attending this party with you. I'd be more then happy to have you over to dinner sometimes between now and christmas as long as there is no discussion of Santa.

That being said, Theres a point to santa, and theres the spirit of santa. What i mean by that is, the spirit of santa is the spirt of giving. Teach your child that, teach your child the idea of giving of themselves to someone else. Teach your child that Christmas isn't all about the getting. It's more about the memories made.

I'm fighting a battle right now with my 13 yr old step son, who has intitlement issue. He told his sister who mind you doesn't have alot of money, but uses christmas as a time to give what is needed and not so much was is wanted. And he told her that if she bought him clothing, she better save the receipts for them because he was gonna return it.

Well all receipts have been tossed.

You arn't robbing him of anything other then the fact of someone else telling him at some point that santa isn't real. That is it.

Stick to your guns mom ! Your kid, you raise him the way you feel comfortable raising him and dont let anyone tell you any different.

And dont worry moon star your not taking any fun out of christmas neither is anyone else who believes the way the op does. You are saving your self the heartach, and aggervation of many more christmas to come. when the kids get older and are pulling the i'm intitled to this that and the other because i believe in santa , and he'll bring it to me because i said i wanted it.

Answer 3

Ok, I do agree that Christmas is way to commercialized nowadays and that your family should respect your parenting choices.
But, I don't see what's wrong with Santa. Originally St. Nicolas was a charitable man who brought things to people in need. And to leave them a sense of dignity he brought them the things at night when they were sleeping. I didn't grow up in the US so we had different traditions. When I was little me and my friends would find small gifts like candy, oranges and nuts in our boots on the morning of the 6th of December (St Nicolas day), or St Nicolas would come by on the evening of the 6th and would ask if we have been good and then give us a little bag of sweets.On Christmas Eve a little bell would ring and the presents would be under the Christmas tree. And still we all were taught that Christmas is not only for getting but also for giving.
I believe not the traditions are what spoil children but what you as a parent make of it. If you overload your child with tons of stuff on Christmas without teaching them that Christmas is not only about geting gifts but also about the birth of Jesus Christ then of course they will be spoiled. He won't turn into a demanding little brat the instant he sits on Santa's lap if he gets the right messages about the spirit of the holiday at home.
Kids love the idea of writing wish lists and Santa and so on, it is fun! And your grandmother won't be around for that long anymore if she would like the picture by all means let her.
With so many Santa's lurking around every corner at this time of year how are you going to keep your kid away from them anyway?
So, if you still insists that she cannot take the picture and that Santa is off limits then I guess your grandmother just cannot take him to the Christmas party if you don't accompany them.

Answer 4

As you are his mother, I respect your right to decide not to send the child on an excursion where there will be an activity you disagree with.

HOWEVER, these are my thoughts on the matter:

Sitting on Santa’s lap once is not going to hurt the child. It might confuse him slightly, but that is probably a good opportunity for you to explain that while many children believe in Santa Claus and grandma likes the idea of Santa Claus, your family does not and focuses on Jesus. Depending on his age, you may be able to explain to him that Santa is not real.

You see, you can't really keep him away from the idea of Santa. His friends will talk about it constantly. His teachers will eventually. He will see pictures on TV and when he it out and about. So sooner or later, it will need to be explained. Explanations BEFORE exposure are always more helpful to children because they feel safer and more confident when they are prepared and not confused.

Then let your meddling little grandmother take her silly picture. It's inappropriate of her yes, but let her take it and display it in her own home if she must. Do not take the picture or accept it in your own home. It sounds like there are quite a few issues with this women and I am simply suggesting that you may use this as a learning experience for you son, therefore establishing your control and communication with your child, rather then letting her use it as a chance to undermine you.

To sum up: Pick your battles.

This one is probably not worth it and can be used to your advantage anyways. I have a feeling you will have another chance to dig your heels in where this woman is concerned.

Answer 5

Well your son is going to be hearing about Santa!! No matter how much you want to raise your child otherwise. He will go to school eventually and when they start school most children believe in Santa.
Let's her take him and if she wants him to sit on Santa's lap then so be it.
If he is old enough to understand explain to him that Christmas is a magical and special time by saying there is a man called Santa etc. It will be a long time before he understand the meaning of commericalization.
This way when he comes across the Santa he will know. But let her know that by having him sit on Santa lap, your going to be force to tell him the truth about Santa.

Answer 6

I think it's incredibly petty of you to cause a commotion about it. So what if your son sits on Santa's lap? As his great grandmother takes a picture. Yes opening presents and having a good time is a tremendous oppurtunity for pictures as well. If he knows what Christmas really means the birth of christ as you say then he knows it. It's not going to do any hard to you or your husband if he sits on Santa's lap and has a picture taken. It may not go into your photoalbum but it may go into his great grandmothers.

How old is she anyways? I can tell you that you guys don't see eye to eye so what? Don't make it a huge deal. You're blowing it out of proportion. Do you really want her to feel like that she's not important in your sons life? I mean come on this is petty both of you are acting like children. Since you didn't specify how old the great grandma is then I find it hard to answer this question as well. She could be on her last couple of years of life, do you really want to spoil the precious memories that are created with a picture with Santa?

Now what about when your son is older? Has a girlfriend who celebrates chirstmas and wants a picture taken with Santa? Are you going to say no to that? What happens if they're really cute together and want to do it together? Are you going to say no then? Why are you so scared if your son sits on Santa's lap? Do you think it's going to somehow devalue what it means with the birth of christ? I mean if you did a job he knows what Santa is and he knows the difference between the commericalization of christmas and the true meaning of christmas? Are you willing to ruin your holiday time with family over a petty squabble like this? It's time for you to stop being so insecure and let it be.

Also I suggest looking at the website about St Nicholas aka Santa Claus. Maybe if you learned more about that it may change your mind to see your son sitting on Santa's lap. St. Nicholas has nothing to do with the commericalization of Christmas it has everything to do with a man who gave.

Answer 7

Are you saying the kids are not getting gifts, too ? I don't understand, exactly.

My daughter in law raised my granddaughter to believe there is no santa, to save her the shock of discovering there really isn't one later in life... She accepted it ok but once told me she believes in the magic of santa... I don't know if she got that from my son, or not?

I never tried to sway my daughter in law either way, because as you say, people need to raise their kids according to what they feel is best for their, particular life and situation.

As for Santa... i suppose that, if i ever did want my granddaughter's picture taken with Santa, her mother would not have objected.. but i never did.

If you don't want your daughter's picture taken with Santa, then find some excuse not to let her go with the grandmother during the holidays.. that's my best answer.

Answer 8

I think that it is you and your husbands choice and I agree with you Christmas is about the birth of Christ , not about getting gifts and Santa comming. I have 2 children and we try to focus on the birth more than Santa we do let them believe but not over do it. My mom is the same way she is all about how many gifts from Santa she can get them, but I do not let her get them gifts from Santa they have to be from Grandma and Grandpa.

So just do what you feel is right in your heart and stick with it.

Answer 9

I say talk to her and if she can't respect your wishes then I wouldn't let him go. I have the same problem with my bf's mom. We have certain rules here at the house but when the kids go around her (and she knows these rules) she'll let them break them or even in a way encourage it....For example she's really bad at babying the youngest so when she comes back home its hell for me because she wants everything done for her and she thinks she's a baby and we've told before that she needs to treat her the age she is....BUT of course she doesn't so she hasn't been going over to Grandma's house.
So either he not go or even maybe you could tag along to make sure no pictures are taken with Santa. Anyways hopefully everything will work out. GOOD LUCK!

Answer 10

your the first person I have ever heard agree with me. I do not plan on my child to believe in Santa it takes away from the true meaning. My family knows and my mom says I am taking the fun out of christmas though I dont think so all you can do is remind the child that santa is not real. Let them know that the child will not go with them if they are going to do it. I would not back down its your child stand strong in what you think is right!!