My eldest son is 30 i have always treated him as my son but i know i am not his father and he does not know this...he has 3 children,my grandchildren and i feel he should know that i am not his real father....my ex says she does not want me to tell him ...it's a problem thats been eating away at me for years now
2007-12-07 12:54:53 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
why after 30 years do you want to destroy is life. if it were a medical problem i could see you telling him. if he has asked are you my father, i could see you telling him. but just out of the blue you want to let him know that he is a lie and you have made his life a lie! if you were going to tell him he should have been told years ago. how do you think he is going to take the news. don't you wonder if you will put your relationship in jeopardy and with your grand kids. if you don't care about them, and want nothing to do with them, i guess you should just go ahead and tell them. sorry but i wouldn't want to be in your shoes!
2007-12-07 13:22:40 · answer #1 · answered by sunshine 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you decide to do anything.. don't do it now, before Christmas, or New Year, this is a real bad time, for 'truths', and if you are going to tell him, think really carefully beforehand what your going to say. This is going to affect so many lives, not just yours and his.
You say he is the eldest, so there's other siblings,? do they know ? and how does he relate to them ?
More often than not, it has been the case, that kids grow up to 'know' that something isn't quite right, and their parents have this 'secret' or mystery' surrounding their lives, maybe he's spoke about this to one of his brothers or sisters ?
(but only ask them if this is the case, if they do know, and you've told them about their eldest brothers true parentage)
Leave it for him, (if you go ahead and tell him the truth) , to tell his children, in his own way, It would I think, be advisable to keep the grand-children well away, whilst you discuss this with him.
30 years is a long time, and he may ask about his 'birth father' but YOU are his dad, and the only one he's ever known, so be prepared for an emotional roller-coaster, on all sides.
See if you can prepare the news with all the family together, you're other children/or child, and your partner, and do it where there's no alcohol available, ( the pub can come after) you all need a 'clear head' when you start the 'ball rolling'.
Whatever you choose to do, don't let it 'eat you away', he loves you, you love him, and no matter what, you'll always be father and son, however it turns out.
Good luck.. hope it all goes well, for everyone..
a friend x
2007-12-07 13:25:16 · answer #2 · answered by CARAMAC 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First of all .... YOU are the REAL FATHER ... The REAL FATHER is the person that does the fathering. The other guy is just the "sperm donor."
I am curious as to why this has been eating away at you for YEARS??? Why didn't you or your ex-wife tell him BEFORE now???
Obviously you are an honorable and caring man .... You raised this young man as your own .... for ALL of HIS life.
Based on THAT .... I would have to trust YOUR judgment.
You know YOUR SON better than ANY of us on Yahoo Answers. Search your heart; and find the words to communicate that YOU are his Dad .... but that there is
this OTHER person that provided the DNA. Be prepared
for your son to ask many questions ..... Why he wasn't told
until NOW .... where is the "bio dad" ..... etc.
I hope that this goes well for YOU ALL .... Obviously it will be
a shock for your son .... give his the support and time that he may need to adjust!
2007-12-07 13:35:53 · answer #3 · answered by kjh 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is a difficult one becasue as you know this should have been done many many years ago. You have to look closely at what you or he has to gain from telling him, or more importantly to lose.You have to look at how strong your relationship is and ask yourself honestly whether it could survive such a shock. You love him as if he were your own as he does you, and his Children know you as Grandad, what would you actually acomplish by telling him other than the obvious of the truth.
There is not just you to think about here, there is your x- wife, your son, your Grandchildren,and anyone else who may be involved. You are going to blow his whole world apart here, he will be blown right out of the water and everything he thought to be real will be found to be false. Ask yourself how you would feel and if you would want to know or would be better not knowing. Only you can make this choice, but think very carefully before doing so. I wish you luck with whatever you choose.Its a very hard one.
2007-12-07 21:30:00 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
You should have told him long ago. Not waited until he was 30 no matter what his mother said. My mom's boyfriend was in this same situation, but he told the boy when he turned 17. This gave him a chance to find his real father if he wanted to and develope a relationship if he wanted to. At age 30 it seems that all that is pretty much too late. I would have told him in the teen years. I guess just take him to dinner and let him know. I imagine that he will be a bit furious with you for not telling him, but hopefully for your sake he will come around.
2007-12-07 14:02:26 · answer #5 · answered by ~Sara~ 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If it's eating away at you, I think I would tell him, or else it's just going to play on your mind.
I'm 26. If my Dad told me he wasn't my biological father, I'd be shocked, but the relationship you build after so many years I believe ultimately makes it irrelevant whether you are the biological father or not.
I think your son will appreciate why you haven't said anything. I think he'll be grateful to you for bringing him up, giving him support and love. You've actually done a really lovely thing and I'm certain he'll see that. You'll always be Dad to him.
Best wishes
2007-12-08 13:00:54 · answer #6 · answered by Pat 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you have always treated him as your son and you have been the one to raise him for most of his life then you are his father, maybe not the sperm donor but you raising him makes you his father. My brother was raised by my father who was not his maternal father but he calls him father, he met his real dad and found he had nothing in common. Think before you tell him as you could end up losing him, just keep on being his old man.
2007-12-07 17:28:46 · answer #7 · answered by james c 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you and him have had a solid loving relationship, then I would tell him. You'll need to explain to him why you haven't said anything until now, so you need to put a lot of thought into that before talking to him. I would wait, however, until after the holidays to talk to him. You also need to tell your ex-wife that you cannot live with the deceit any longer and that as a man, he has the right to know. I don't know if you believe in prayer, but I do, and I will be praying that the Lord give you the words to speak to him. God bless you!!!
Virginia
2007-12-07 13:57:12 · answer #8 · answered by Virginia B (John 16:33) 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Very difficult. Do you know who the biological father is ?
This could be a can of worms in its self. I have two adopted friends who love their parents unconditionally and when asked have no real desire to meet their real parents, for the moment anyway.If you were your son would you want to meet your biological father before its to late if it isn't already, Still very tuff and if you do decided to tell him, I hope it works out great for you all.
2007-12-08 09:06:17 · answer #9 · answered by Charles M 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think it should be up to your ex to say anything. I have an adopted son, and he knows about it. But he was 7 at the time. One time he said he wanted to find his real dad, and when I asked why, he said to punch him and ask why he abandoned him. So this could be opening a "can of worms". I would leave it be. It could be a lot harder on the grand children.
2007-12-08 01:40:10 · answer #10 · answered by electroprayer 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋