How can rape affect an individual if not dealt with properly?

Question

I lost my virginity to rape over 12 years ago. I still think about this a lot. I never told my family, but have started to tell some close friends. I want couseling sometimes, but other times I just want it to disappear. I have a loving fiance now and I am happy. What should I do?

Answer 1

It doesn't matter whether you want to get counseling or not, and you shouldn't trust your emotions for this matter. Your emotions can not correctly view your situation and guide you. You NEED a therapist and that's the bottom line. I feel very much for you, and the only way to overcome this is to open up to a professional. It's almost more important and safe to open up to them than some of your family and friends.

Rape victims can eventually fall into lives of alcoholism, drug abuse, severe clinical depression, impotency, etc. These are all very, very serious things that are VERY common in those that have been sexually abused previously. To avoid this at any cost, you must get some help. No one should ever have to deal with this alone, darling, and you need to talk to someone who knows what they're doing.

I know you are happy now and it's so wonderful that despite your previous experience, you've found a relationship that is good for you. You're so lucky. That doesn't mean that later down along the line that things won't get rough. Just take the precautions necessary to prevent any further emotional damage. Good luck :)

Answer 2

It's been stated on so many posts (and I agree entirely) that you don't lose your virginity until you have sex willingly and knowingly.

The website address I gave is for a group that sells self-help tapes/cd's but don't feel obligated to buy anything, the page gives a lot of good help for people with these sort of troubles (or the people that are trying to help them) so it might come in handy.

There's an opportunity to heal without seeking professional help but, if it affects your daily life (or even most of it) then you may want to talk to somebody as soon as you're able.
I'll give you a good informative website for the second link, just in case you haven't read up on something I'm sure has affected you, at least at times. From the details you gave it could enlighten you to a few possibilities for treatment.

Only tell the people you want to tell. Telling your family isn't necessary but they might be a valuable resource in helping to support you as you begin (or delve further into) the healing process. Trust is a big issue in these circumstances, so don't keep yourself from trusting everybody you know or care about. It might be difficult to explain at first, no matter what the conditions may have been, but sometimes it's a great way to get things off of your chest and lighten your burden just a little bit more.

Take every day one at a time and know that there are those who understand at least part of what you've gone through. It may not help all that much but it's a lot easier for some to cope with it if they know they're not the only one/s who have gone through this.

There's one great difficulty I find...prosecution is great when you can stand the idea of even being in the same building as a person who has done this to you. Just take it easy with yourself if you do decide to take legal action against the perpetrator, if you're able to do such. If you're not, just be content with the idea that he'll get his eventually. Even if he doesn't, at least you don't have to deal with the bastard (saying that you're in that position also).
Whatever you do, don't make things too difficult on yourself by expecting things you would have to work far too much to fulfill. There's no reason to cause any more pain than you've gone through already.

Good luck and I really hope this helps you, at least a little.

Answer 3

I'm guessing it is bothering you some, and you're wondering about the extent or length of your depression. It's actually significant that you "never think" of the rape. If I was simply mugged on the street I would think of it, a lot. You may be spending a lot of energy trying not to think of it. Have you heard of repressing? Your best bet would be to find a women's center that could refer you to some rape counseling. They could also best advise you about who to notify, or if you should. At this point the chance of conviction seems low, but this could be very useful info to the police if this guy is wanted for other rapes. You could be saving someone from a future rape. As for when you were ten: Yes, that is molesting, but if you just thought he was a jerk (young teenage boy) that is probably OK for you. Unless he was significantly older. I wish you the best. Don't get discouraged.

Answer 4

I'm really glad for you that you're happy and you're able to have trusted someone enough to get a fiance!

I can affect people in loads of different ways as you probably know, and sometimes it might be made worse by the state of mind the person was before the crime. For me for example I dont talk to anyone I don't know, don't look at anyone and have only these last few days started going out by myself. On top of that I get bad dreams so don't like sleeping much and try and avoid it as much as poss.

I don't know yet, but maybe there'll always be some memories but even so it's never too late to get help and if you find a counsellor that really knows what they're doing they'll help you deal and understand your feelings of wanting it to disappear because it seems that sometimes it still haunts you. Of course that's natural, but hopefully something could be looked at to help that fade. :)

Like good counselling can really help, bad counselling - which could be as simple as not finding a counsellor you feel comfortable to talk to will make you feel worse. And you have to feel ready for it and want it.

Answer 5

While every woman is different, and rape / unwanted sexual relations can vary in severity, NO ONE walks away unharmed.
The "who of who you are" has been invaded, trashed, and insulted to the core when you lost control over your own will and your own private use of your body.

Once I heard someone refer to a rape as "inappropriate touching". Sadly, so sadly this type of a response is disconnected from the reality of the truth of the negative self condemning thoughts and feelings that will ravage and follow the victim of rape, through the rest of your life. Innocence was lost forever. The rape victim will face self hatred for her sexuality -- or she will go on to use her sexuality to try to get back at the very male race that has disgraced her. She has lost what it is to have a healthy self view. Her male-female relationships in the future will be more distanced and less trusting. These things will not go away if it is never spoken of.

Meeting with a counselor or in a support group will help. It won't erase it. It will make the difference as to whether you face your life as a victim or as a survivor.

Answer 6

I had a friend that was raped. She never told me until one day,which was years after it happened. She would let boys use her,and thought they actually liked her. I think her attitude and actions spoke loudly. She never told anyone either,except me and a few other close people. I asked her why she never told anyone,and she said they wouldn't believe her. I think it's strongly recommended that you tell someone,so that person can beheld responsible for what he's done and be put to justice. You don't know how many other people he's affected.It's not your fault, you should seek out counseling,if you still think about it then that's a pretty good sign it's still affecting you.

good luck

xx

Answer 7

That is why its always best to get counseling after an incident. Most people repress the feeling and at some point they begin to feel guilty and shouldn't.

The longer you hold this inside of you, the worse it will get and might effect your relationship. I deal with the medical end of rape and its not right. I encourage counseling and most times, right in the ER before the person leaves. Healing has to start somewhere.

Answer 8

Seek counseling. It won't hurt. And rape is a tragic thing that must be dealt with and acknowledged. Many people who were raped develop fears of intimacy, an inability to trust others, problems in relationships, guilt, anxiety, depression...the list goes on and on. And repressing memories--trying to forget about them, pushing them aside--may work for a while, but 10 years from now, they could manifest themselves in a bad way.
Good luck.

Answer 9

Same with me. I was 14 at the time. I didnt tell a soul until I was 45. It messed up relationships with men . I blamed myself for years and it made me feel bad about myself. Got councilling and it improved my outlook on life and my well being. I had low self esteem for many years after this happened. TAlk to a professional person asap because the trauma of the rape can pop its head up at any given moment. Good luck

Answer 10

I think speaking with a professional councilor is a good idea. A professional can guide you into handling any issues that could affect your relationship.