How do you kindly tell someone that I no longer want her to be my maid of honor at my wedding?

Question

I asked someone who I considered to be a friend to be my maid of honor at my wedding and of course, she agreed, but whenever I try to be her friend or hang out with her, she finds some way to get out of it. She seems to call her other friends all the time and always hangs out with them. She never calls me unless her boyfriend is asking a favor from my fiancee. I finally stopped answering her calls because she never called just to say hello. I found out a lot about her and how dishonest she can be. I no longer trust her enough to keep her as my maid of honor. How do I tell her nicely without hurting her feelings? Is that even possible?

Answer 1

Doesn't sound as this will be easy for you. There is no kindly way to do it & she will probably act offended. (Sounds like the two men are the friends here). It will be both easier & quicker than you think - and you really don't have to explain anything as she probably doesn't want to be your maid of honour anyway. You can still be very nice about this but try to say it in a neutral environment - not at her house or yours.(not at her boy friend's house or your fiancee's either). Meet for coffee & if your not up to that the phone works. I don't think email would be appropriate. Keep it brief and move on. It's hopefully going to be your only wedding. Certainly advise your fiancee what you plan to do he doesn't need to agree with you but he must understand your reasoning. You may not see this couple at your wedding either, I doubt it.

Answer 2

First off yes... it is possible. You could give her another part in your wedding, if you're considering one of your bridesmaids, then just say would you mind being a bridesmaid... Jill (your bridesmaid you want to be maid of honor) really has been helping out a lot and would you mind if she was my maid of honor, i mean it's nothing against you, just Jill has really been good with my parents and it's just what I want. If she complains and says no, then you might just lose a friend, but it's YOUR big day, and you shouldn't let anyone ruin it. This is the one day you should have everything perfect. Even if it's sacrificing a friend, then you can have Jill, and then you can get a new bridesmaid, that you may have been considering. Hope It Helps, tell me how it goes!

Answer 3

You definitely need to tell her soon. I was on the bridesmaid side of this--the bride and I drifted apart significantly between her asking me to be in the wedding party and the actual event, and it was extremely awkward for both of us.
I'm sure your friend is aware that the two of you don't have a close relationship and might even be wondering how she can bring up this subject with you. I would call her as soon as possible and kindly mention how you feel--that you two have been on separate paths for a long time now and you don't want to burden her with the responsibilities of being the maid of honor--she'll probably be relieved. If she is angry, it really doesn't matter since you're not really friends anymore anyway. This is extra stress you should NOT have to deal with on your wedding day. Just bite the bullet, let her know gentely, and move on. It'll be okay.

Answer 4

It sounds as though she doesn't really want to be your maid of honor anymore or maybe she's just jealous that you're getting married. Regardless of the reason, you need to ask her politely if she still wants to be your MOH and let her know that it is perfectly okay if she doesn't want to and wants to be a bridesmaid or just a guest. this way, it gives her a way out and you don't have to feel guilty since she chose to step down. Just make sure you say it politely and not in an attacking way.
If she says that she still wants to be your maid of honor, you have the choice to either ask her to step down (which will hurt her feelings) or work with her and let her know what you expect of her. It's possible that she feels overwhelmed by how much she thinks she has to do and maybe by telling her what you actually have in mind for her it will take some pressure off. Good luck.

Answer 5

Whatever the bride requires of her Maid of Honor should be discussed at the time the bride offers the honor. For instance, if the bride expects the MOH to plan and pay for a staggette, then the bride should be fairly explicit about what sort of planning and paying she expects. That way the candidate can decline the honor if she doesn't feel able to do or pay for what the bride is expecting.

Sounds to me like you asked your acquaintance to be your MOH with the expectation that it would deepen your acquaintance into friendship or make her more socially accessable to you. Unless you expressed this expectation and she agreed to meet it, then being your buddy and hanging around with you is not among her duties as your MOH.

You can OFFER her an opportunity to step down, like "Brenda, I'm just starting to realize how much is involved in being part of the wedding party -- not only paying for a dress and shoes, but going to fittings, hosting parties, helping with chores and errands. We didn't really discuss these things before you accepted the honor, but I think we should talk about them before you buy anything. I'm so pleased that you're willing to be my MOH, but if you think it over and decide you've taken on too much -- I'll understand if you'd rather not." If she opts to hold her position, even knowing that it will require her to plan and pay for parties, run errands, and otherwise work for free then settle for this instead of expecting to be fond friends.

However, it would be rude and petty to "punish" her by "firing" her. Besides, she may have agreed just because she feels sorry for you. You're obviously desperate for more friends. In which case you're "firing" will make her feel relieved, not hurt -- and give her an excuse to drop you entirely.

Answer 6

I wouldnt worry about feelings now. You need someone as Maid of Honor that will take care of you. She sounds like she will not. Tell her as soon as possible that there has been a change of plans ( dont get into the real reasons) and you are so so so so so sorry to let her down but you wont be needing her. In other words, blame yourself for it all. It will be a relief to you. If she asks you why or who will you have just keep on talkinig about how all the plans are in a state of change etc and be vague about it and then change the subject and get off the phone. But do do it now

Answer 7

Have you ever heard the phrase . . "We've changed our wedding plans." Brides and Grooms change their plans all the time.

Even though you considered this person "a friend" apparently
you take your friendship with her more seriously than she takes her friendship with you.

If possible, you should tell her that "we've changed our plans" face to face BUT if that is not possible than you need to call her as soon as possible, before she hears it through another source. There is no reason to go into a big story or explanation, just say, "We changed our plans, and I will no longer need you as my Maid of Honor."

And also . . if she has purchased a bridesmaid's gown and accessories to be in your wedding than you should re-emburse her for those items.

Answered by: A Certified wedding specialist / A Professional bridal consultant / A Wedding ceremony officiant

Answer 8

Its not possible to do it without hurting her feelings, but its your wedding and you should have the person you want up there. I would just be honest and say that you've been giving it a lot of thought and based on how things have gone lately you've been re-evaluating the arrangement. Say it seems that she has other priorities at the moment that may prevent her from being able to fulfill the responsibilities that come with the honor and you feel it would be better to ask someone else to take the spot.

Answer 9

if she asks you for an explanation, you'll have to be honest with her and just try to be as diplomatic as you can. i would say instead of approaching it by saying you don't want her, tell her you're really sorry to change things up, but you've decided that *insert name of better friend* should do it instead. come up with any excuses you like -- say you've known that girl longer or she's been helping a lot with the wedding plans -- whatever seems appropriate. definitely don't dismiss her from the maid of honor slot until you've got a replacement, and try to make it about the new girl's positive qualities, instead of this girl's faults. if it seems she's been avoiding you, it's possible that she doesn't want to be in your wedding anyway and felt obligated to agree.
good luck! hope it doesn't create too much drama for you!

Answer 10

I was in the same situation recently, luckily we worked it out. She didn't realize the way I was feeling when she was ignoring me. Just talk to her, tell her you would love for her to be with you on your day and all days leading up to it but you feel as if she might not have the time for all the activities. It's like you are giving her a warning and also a way out if she chooses it. Perhaps she wants to bow out of her duties but doesn't know how to tell you so she thinks by calling for favors and that's all that you will bring it up to her. There's ways to go about it without hurting feelings, just be honest, use a soft tone of voice and remember to speak your Mind and listen to what she has to say also. Good luck, it will work out!