Is this unreasonable?

Question

I was dumped by ex gf just 8 weeks after our child was born. We came to a friendly agreement over contact and maintenance to avoid courts and the CSA.

I lost my job, and she said it was fine to stop payment, and I quickly found another job. But the pay is poor and I struggle to pay her. She wants to go to the CSA but knows it is pointless to her - she is on benefit, and whatever the CSA take from me to give to her, the social security will DEDUCT the same from her benefit. Instead she is resorting to implied threats.

I told her I would move jobs to earn more, but she insists I MUST only work Monday to Friday! She is willing to take the money but not to accept a change of contact days.

I feel I am being muscled out of my child's life, and I can easily see why some fathers in the UK feel compelled to do a vanishing act.

PS between losing one job and getting another, my father died abroad, which apart from the shock, was also another cause of financial hardship.

ES - we are not a couple of kids, we are 25 and 34 and we DID plan to marry and were together several years. I never imagined I would be dumped without explanation after just 8 weeks.

The most annoying thing is she won't work, she just wants my money, but won't allow me to get better paid work. How would it be a problem for her if I worked a job including Saturdays and had my baby in the week instead?

The problem for her would be that she would have to stay in at weekend!

Some say it is not unreasonable for her to want cash. I agree.

But it IS unfair to not permit me to go and earn it on whatever days I can. I can't just dictate to an employer I need to work days which are ok with my ex! Either she wants money or she doesn't. If she won't allow some things to change I can only guess she doesn't.

In any case, if the maintenance went through official channels, here in England mothers who don't work don't get to see a penny of it anyway!

Bearing this in mind, would Americans please realise some countries have different laws than your own! One in particular - Men are not allowed to be successful in English family courts.

ELAINE what kind of monster are you? You may give children away willy-nilly on your side of the pond, but not over here! And I beg to differ. I think I would make a far better custodial parent than her mother.

YADDA - not trying hard enough? I have been going non stop since long before my child was born, and have foregone any social life, which is more than I can say for her mother, who wants my money simply to spend in the pub. Before anyone criticises this assessment, remember I KNOW this woman!

Answer 1

Yes, she is being a little unreasonable, based on what you say, but I am not sure if you are trying hard enough to make things happen for the support of your kid. Just keep on keeping on and do the very best that you can do
btw-- Sorry about your dad

Answer 2

Avoiding the courts at all cost IS NOT always the best approach but if you two can not come to some type of agreement then you are the father and you do have rights. If she agreed from the beginning not to get CSA involved and now she is saying she might then you have a pretty big problem on your hands as far as her using that as a scare tactic to get her way. Compromise is a two way street not one way. If I were you I would just do the best I could to make things work. After all thats all you really can do! I wish you all the luck! Hope I helped.

Love
Abi

Answer 3

Your the kids father and your responsible for it no matter what, go to a soliciter and have an agreement made up, stating that you will see your child on a certain number of days per week, days will be chosen in advance to correspond with work commitments!

Why the hell are you letting her dictate whether you can take another job or not??? you work when you have to, she should be glad of the extra money, if you told the benefits agency you'd been giving her money for your kid she'd get it deducted from her benefit!

Don't be a prick, but don't be a mug either!

Answer 4

Hi I'm sorry to hear about your situation, especially with Christmas coming it's a time for families to spend together.
I am a mother of 2 but am on your side although I know neither of you personally. She sounds completely selfish and as though she is trying to be awkward so you will give up. Do not give up, you have every right to still be a father to your child and you are trying hard to make things work. No you cannot demand your employer to fit in with your ex, it's a case of if you don't do it then someone else will.
As money is tight, book an appointment with the CAB they can usually help you with your rights and what to do next etc. Keep records of every conversation and advice given, you may need it in time, although I hope this gets resolved soon.
I know they like to keep contact days the same for a child as they don't always like a change to routine but don't loose touch keep fighting. Look online for groups that can offer support to fathers like you.
Good luck I hope it all works out for you, I will pray for you and your child.
Merry Christmas.

Answer 5

Hi Phil.

It sounds like, despite your ex girlfriend breaking up with you, she still wants to control you and only do the things that suit her - but she can't have it both ways! As you are no longer with her, she shouldn't be trying to control what you do.

There must also be flexibility on her half about when you can see your child, especially if the reason you can only make certain days is because you're going out to work to support your child financially.

You should go to the Job Centre and ask about tax credits, which are paid through your wages. You can also ask them there about any other benefits you'll be entitled to.

Best wishes.

Answer 6

This is a problem all over the world right now and will remain as such until people finally tell the government to f***off and stay out of their personal affairs it is not for any ones "own good " as they claim it is simply lining their own pockets and employing a bunch of useless bureaucrats who destroy lives on a whim !

What makes you think they are allowed to be successful here if you make money they take as much as they can leaving the father below the level they say you need to survive

Answer 7

In a fashion specific. you are able to no longer end you're new child doing something, yet what you're able to do is sit down her down and tell her the end results of going into this 18 365 days olds motor vehicle. Like with different matters alongside with drugs and alcohol. on the tip of the day she'll be the single which will defy you, no count what you tell her to do. you may desire to enable her make her very own judgements, and if it is the incorrect determination she'll learn from her mistake, and not make an identical one two times.

Answer 8

Well i understand what you are saying but to be honest i dont think she is being unreasonable about asking for cash because it's bloody expensive to raise kids.
I think you need to speak to her about the whole 'not working weekends' thing because you can earn a lot more money if you are willing to part with your weekends.
You really need to sit down and have a chat with her about the situation. Not for you two but for the benefit of your kids.

Answer 9

I'm an american so I do not know the laws that your country has. All I can say is fight for your child. Try to sit down with the mother and plan something- tell her "in order for me to do this for you, i should get this in return" tell her your child means everything to you and that you are trying the best you can. if the laws will help, try to find a lawyer or somebody...good lcuk

Answer 10

Your ex has no control over your income or your earning ability. Get the job you need, you have rights too, to see your child. You might have to consult with a lawyer but it might be worth it in the end.