boyfriend/marriage question?

Question

here's the deal. i've been with this guy since winter of 2004. we've now lived together for almost 3 years. we've got a very realistic relationship and have been through a lot together yet always come out on top. i know for a fact that he loves me more than anything else in the world (and i him) but when ever the subject of marriage comes up he's so against it. i on the other hand wish to be married. i over heard him talking on the phone to a friend the other day who was telling him that another friend of theirs was getting married. the phone was loud enough that i could hear the person on the other line say to my boyfriend, "so when are you marrying your girlfriend?" and my boyfriends response was, "not for a very long time. that's just not what i'm all about." my feelings were hurt. i just don't know what to do about this situation. i don't want to get married NOW but definitely before i to close to 30. we are even buying a house together this summer!!!! what gives?!?!?!

part of it is he's disgusted with divorce rates these days...

Answer 1

You need to discuss this with him BEFORE you buy the house. You have to understand that if he does not plan on marrying you than you may want to reconsider your relationship. And if you buy the house, and eventually things end, it's an even bigger fight about who gets the house since neither of you were married it doesn't always come down to splitting things in half.

Talk to him about this though. Don't make it an argument, but confront him and find out his feelings on marriage and the two of you. Explain that you don't plan to get married right away, but that you want to know if it's in your future with him years from now. Why buy a house together if you're not sure what he wants. When you discuss it all and know where your relationship is going, then you decide to make a big purchase like that.

Good luck and stay calm. Some men are afraid of marriage sometimes and don't want to get married as soon as women do. If the two of you love eachother, than it could be okay to let marriage wait a few more years until he's ready.

Answer 2

I think maybe your boyfriend loves you just as much as someone who would want to get married. That in itself seems obvious. But, maybe he hasn't seen many marriages work, or work well. I know that because of the situation my parents put my siblings and I through and some other marriages I saw, for a while I seriously thought I would not want to get married either. The boyfriend I have now is amazing and we get along great, I have dated quite a bit, he has not... and we were friends for a couple years first. I know that he is the one that I want to marry one day. (Also before I'm 30 but im not in a rush ((I'm 21)) It took him asking me why I am not excited about getting married... ever... like other girls my age and why I don't talk of a wedding one day and how I would like it. When I told him I had just never seen a marrige work and see both parties happy he said "Well we aren't them Heather, that is their choosen way of dealing with problems, not ours, therefor not our outcome." It really woke me up. Sit down with your honey and say Hey, look, I know I don't want to get married today or tomorrow but you seem so opposed in general to the idea. Whats up with that? Are you afraid of the commitment? Because we have already done this and this (insert buying a house, living together) Or are you just afraid once we get married everything will spoil? I really would love to be with you forever one day and this is how I feel it's the right way to do it. But you at least owe me explanations. Don't leave me hanging. I hope that helps hun... if he chooses to not cooperate and go the 50% with you... maybe you should consider finding someone who will.

Answer 3

All I have to say is that I was with a guy for 4 1/2 years and he never wanted to get married (Why ruin a good thing?) Then he proposed to me because he thought that was what I wanted. The relationship went downhill from there. Obviously he has some fear of marriage and if you pressure him you may not like the outcome. I always make sure now that when I begin dating someone that our outlook on marriage agrees because if it doesn't it may cause friction down the road. Same goes with the decision to have kids............

Answer 4

Some people aren't marriage material. Unfortunately, you're going to have to make some very real decisions no matter how much you love him. If he won't get married ever, you're going to have to consider finding someone who will if marriage is that important to you. Talk to him about it. Ask him if he ever wants to get married, or why he is against the concept. Tell him you want to be married by the time you're 30 and if that's a reasonable goal for you. I'm not saying you should make him feel bad and say, "Okay, then that's it and I'm gone." But you need to have the same values. If you're in love with someone who wants eight kids and you don't want to have any, one of you is going to end up hurt (and possibly resentful) if you stay in the relationship.

Answer 5

look, there comes a point with people where you say enough is enough you commit or you go. so many people don't though and they end up unhappy!!!

if marriage is that important to you then you need to do some serious talking with him. if he doesn't want the same thing then i think you should really consider where the relationship is going and figure out if you will be happy settling with a man that doesn't want the same things as you.

a lot of guys just don't want to commit. i feel for you, i kinda just went through the same thing only i broke up with my boyfriend because i knew i wanted to get married and he couldn't even think about us in two weeks from now.

Answer 6

Are his parents divorced? If not, do they have an unhealthy relationship or has he seen something in them that he's not willing to risk reliving?

My parents are divorced and I've seen many people get divorced. This is one of the factors, I believe, in my not being in ANY kind of hurry to marry my boyfriend of 5 years. He, on the other hand, grew up in a wonderful 2 parent household and marriage doesn't scare him at all.

Perhaps you should sit your boyfriend down and have a serious heart to heart about this b/c if you'll be buying a house together, it's very important you are both on the same page with your futures.

Good luck to you. :-)

Answer 7

sounds like he's comfortable with you but not committed. the divorce rate thing sounds like kind of an excuse because what he's really saying is "i'm not ready to handle that kind of thing and i'd be likely to get a divorce". i wouldn't buy a house with him if you aren't married because that could lead to a sticky financial situation and potentially lost assest if your relationship goes south. you really don't need to waste your time with someone that doesn't want to marry you. you could give him an ultimatum and say either marry me or don't be with me, but that's not a very good solution. it would only cause more problems. i think a lot of people are against marriage these days because they know that there's plenty of fish in the sea that are willing to be caught so when you get bored with one, you can find another w/out dealing with paperwork and prenups.

Answer 8

You may love him, and he might love you but if he's not into marriage, he's not into marriage. So you need to decide, will you just live with him until he's ready for marriage? What happens if you get pregnant, and he still isn't ready?. Love is one thing, but if you want marriage and he doesn't, how long will you stay with him?.
Then again, why would he want to get married, you already live together, sleep together, all that's left is for you to get pregnant. Then you will be like lots of other women, making babies with your boyfriend.
I think that's one of the problem today, people fall in love, move in together, one thinks it's going to lead to marriage, and the other person likes things the way they are.
You need to decide, what do you want. Is he worth stick around knowing he may never want to get married?. Of finding someone who wants to marry you now.

Answer 9

Well he is being honest with you by telling you he doesn't want marriage yet.

It would be a worse situation if you two got married and he wasn't happy (it would make you unhappy), the marriage would suffer.

You two will have to make the decision whether you want to carry on living the way you do, or you have different needs and wants to his.

Sit down and talk about it, find out why he doesn't want to get married and tell him why you do. Remember one thing men are no good when cornered, we just grunt and get grumpy, so be gently with him and don't nag.

Answer 10

Just my opinion here. If he is willing to enter into a 30-yr mortgage contract with you[buying a house together], one would think that marriage wouldn't be too far-fetched. However, he has made it clear that it's not for him.

It seems like he has gotten pretty comfortable with the status quo. Let him know that you want more than that. Marriage is the next logical step given the length of your good relationship, and I think it should happen BEFORE making the biggest financial investment of your life.