I think I know what you'll say but I'll ask anyway...?

Question

All right, so my fiance and I will be seeing his family over Christmas for the first time since we've been engaged. They already know that we are planning a Carribeann wedding and in the past his parents (his father and his wife as well as his mother and her husband) have said things about us paying for their trip. My fiance has told me that he would chip in to pay for them if it makes the difference of them being there or not but I think they are going to try to milk that because they are really cheap. We are planning on moving next year, buying a house, etc. and I know we will not have the money to pay their entire trips. I am scared that if they start saying these kinds of things, my fiance will start suggesting that we postpone the wedding until we can pay for them because he will not want to have a wedding when his parents cannot attend. They have the money to do it, they just know they can get him to put in if they pressure him. How do you think I should handle this mess?

We are having it in the Carribeann because my family is all in TX, his in upstate NY, so we chose the destination so it isn't "unfair to anyone". We really want the beach wedding. Plus, they have the money, they are just playing on his emotions because they know that they can probably get something out of him.

My parents are paying for the entire wedding. That includes their trips, my brother's trip, and the trip for myself, my fiance, and his two kids, I think they are putting in their fair share without complaint.

Answer 1

I think you should talk to him and ask him "What if they cant afford anything and we have to pay their entire trip?" If this is the only time they are going to milk for the money, dont bring it up- just be innocent. Together, figure out the worst-case scenario in dollars. Then over Christmas, get the parents to commit to a plan with you two. Tell them, we just need to know exactly how much help you need so we can budget for it.
I understand they may be taking advantage, but if this is the only time do not make an issue of it. They are his parents and if he really wants them there, be united with him to get them there.

Answer 2

I mean you are giving them a year to save up. I don't see how anyone can't save up a thousand dollars in a year.

HOWEVER an important question--if they are manipulative and try to do that, how much stress will that put on the relationships? After all, it's worth paying for their trip if they will not come otherwise and it will make your husband miserable if they don't. However if your parents hear that you are paying for their trip, is it going to make your relationship with them miserable?

You need to have a serious conversation with your fiance b/c this could grow into huge drama quickly. Perhaps have your husband offer to help his parents search for the best rate. Help them figure out a budget that is necessary for this trip. Is the hotel giving you a group rate? Look for airfare for them for an extended time to see the best rate. That way you can help them stay within budget.

But in a marriage, you have to be on the same page because the resentment will form quickly if the in-laws are always milking you guys and causing you to suffer. If he is willing to chip in, go ahead and discuss the amount and set it in stone now. Sometimes with manipulative people you have to draw that line and if they continue to step over it--well, there is a consequence. They say they won't come if he doesn't pay for it. Say I'm sorry b/c I want you to be there so my wedding. I really hope you will change your mind on that.

At the thought of not seeing their son marry, they may give in. But if you two don't put your collective foot down now, this could set the tone for the entire life with your in-laws.

Answer 3

I was about to write "talk to them and tell them you situation", but if you parents are paying for your entire wedding, then you guys NEED to pay for your in laws trip. The Caribbean was your idea and you guys need to do whatever you need to in order to insure that his family is there. It's his parents and that's the least you can do. I'm surprised you are allowing your parents to shell out as much money as they are. You have little to no expenses for your own destination wedding. Spending about $1000 for your in laws is not the end of the world. If it is, maybe you and your fiance should rethink moving and buying a house until you're a bit more financially stable. Good luck.

Answer 4

That's truly a shame that they would add that kind of stress to your life. I'm really sorry about that. My first question would be, are you paying for anyone else's trip, IE. your parents or friends, etc? That's really a tough place to be but I would be very clear to your fiance's family if they would like to attend, they need to pay their share. If you are paying for your own wedding and of course have plans to buy a house and such, afterall, that's what married people do, they should really be more understanding. I will say this though, if it takes you putting off the wedding for a little bit to keep that money in your pocket, don't you think it might be worth it? It's a tough place your in but, eventually it will work out. Good luck.

Answer 5

I agree. If your parents are paying for the entire wedding, you should be able to pay for his parents. You don't know their financial situation, so you can't assume that they can afford it because most people can't. It was your choice to have the wedding there so you will have to make some sacrifices on your end. Who knows, maybe you'll get lucky and they will decide to pay their way after all, or they'll give you a cash wedding gift to cover the expenses.

Answer 6

I am also planning a destination wedding, and in all honesty, I think it is proper for you to pay for those you consider musts--like your parents. Even though it initially may seem cheaper to have a wedding away, it really isn't when you do it right. We are paying the hotel and airfare for 12 people which is no small amount, but it is worth it to do things the right way.

Answer 7

When you decide to have a destination wedding you decide to exclude some individuals who are important in your life unless you budget to take them with you. For our DW the expenses were covered for all 16 of us... flights, all inclusive resort fees, etc.

My now in-laws did insist on paying us (my parents) back for their trip, and they did so before the actual wedding day... It was appreciated, but in no way required.

Rethink your wedding budget... If you want his parents there, offer to pay for it. If you can't afford it, maybe a destination wedding isn't the best solution.

Answer 8

Your fiance needs to screw up the courage and tell his parents that they will be expected to pay for their own trip - all of it.

Otherwise, tell them that they will be sorely missed - Period.

Then the choice is up to them whether they want to attend or not.

That's the problem with destination weddings honey.

Personally I would rethink marrying this man - he sounds like he won't support you when times really get tough... I don't look for it to last. Sorry ;-(

Answer 9

Well, I don't know how many wedding plans are in motion, but maybe you can change the location of your wedding. It sounds as if your future plans require too much money for a Caribbean wedding. As beautiful as this sounds, it is one day. Better save your money for a home, etc. It is obviously important for your fiance's family to be there, so sometimes sacrifices have to be made. Good luck.

Answer 10

normally the guests at a destination wedding, including the bride & groom's parents, pay for their own. If you want for christmas, get them an american express or visa or mc gift certificate and tell them they can use it towards the trip.