My friend is dying?

Question

I guess about a month ago I asked a question on how to handle my friend who has cancer.

Well, apparently now the cancer in inoperable (liver) and the doctors won't even do chemo or radiation. I don't know how much time she has left in this life, and I was wondering if any one has suggestions of things to do for her before she does leave.

I was thinking trips and such, but maybe some other things on a lower scale. I appreciate any help you can give me.

Answer 1

Mellie, my thoughts are with you. This is a tough time for both of you. Big hugs.

Spend as much time as you can and as she will allow with one another. It is ok for you to be sad and even let her know that you will miss her. She needs to hear that and do her own greiving so don't try and avoid the fact of what is happening. But do laugh at silly things together too, we all need to be able to find joy in the midst of sadness.

If she is well enough to and wants to travel let her go or go with her when you can. If she just wants to stay home be there to help her at home. Relive her of some of the mundne stuff around home if she would like that [cooking, cleaning, etc] the idea not being to treat her like an invalid but that these are thing you want to do for her so she can spend time doing what she wants to do. Offer your help with whatever she most wants to get done in whatever time is left. Help her plan a memorial if she will let you, it will give her, you and all her other friends and family closure.

Spend time doing what she wants to do, perhaps there are movies she wants to see, offer to bring them over on DVD and watch them together while you make dinner. Sounds like a pretty normal evening but she may need that kind of normalcy. Offer to read aloud a book that she always intended to read. As she gets sicker quiet time together may be all she can tolerate.

Most of all listen to her, love her and be there for her. She needs her friends at a time like this and you need your chance to make some lasting memories. Because as long as we remember them, no one is completely gone.

Answer 2

I'm sorry for you both.

I think the number one thing is to let her know you care and that you're willing to do things for her, no matter how difficult. As I don't know the details of the situation, tough things that come to mind include:

does she have someone who can speak for her if she were to become unable to do so? In other words, you could be her health care proxy--but that means finding out from her what kind of treatment she wants, etc.

is she leaving anyone behind that needs caring for? kids, pets, parents, siblings? If you can take in the pets or stay in contact with the people, you could help her live on in their lives by providing someone who remembers her and loves her so she can be talked about.

does she want to plan for a funeral or such? Not many people willing to help with that. That could comfort her.

make sure she has her affairs in order--will, etc. Again not the sort of cheery subject people volunteer for, but important, even if she's not wealthy.

does she want to discuss death? an afterlife? what does she really want to talk about? Again, few people will talk and listen on the tough stuff.

she may have longer than anyone thinks. Keeping a positive attitude and all is a great thing--probably regular visits where you can do fun things are better than a blow out vacation. You can have comedy movie nights or such, for example.

if she needs everyday kind of help--meal prep or shopping or such--maybe you can do some of that. It would be nice (if you're a good cook, especially) if she could open her refrigerator and select a nice meal she knows was made with love.

Let her take the lead in what she wants to do. What a good friend you are!

Answer 3

Honey first i would like to thank you for being there for her. I would stay and talk about the good timed you had together. Ask her if she has excepted the Lord as her Savior. I would pray that she will have a peaceful passing. If she is up to it you might invite some close friends to come over and have a good time discussing all the best times that you have had. She will need you now to provide support. Read some comforting passages from the bible, that will help to prepare herself in the last days. God Bless both of you,You are a true and caring friend.May the lord be with her til the end and comfort her in her last days.God be with you both .Friends til the end. How wonderful is that. I will pray the the Lord guides you in helping her in the best of ways.
t Concerned Prayer Warrior t

Answer 4

First, be sure she is getting an accurate prognosis. I went to 5 surgeons that wrote me off for dead 2 1/2 yrs ago. I finally found a surgeon that came up with a plan. Chemo first to shrink tumors then surgery was possible. (stage 4 colon cancer with liver mets)
The team I found in a cancer research hospital has given me over 2 yrs of bonus time. I did 16 months total of chemo and 3 surgeries. I have now decided to just let fate run it's course. Since I quit chemo, I have been able to travel, (which I said I would do someday) visit family, let those close to me know how much I love them and appreciate them. I have made dvd videos for all of them for after I am gone. Basically everything you thought you would get around to someday. Now, is the day.
Check into cancer research hospitals in your area and make sure she sees the best oncologist and surgeon on staff.
Good luck to you
Donna

Answer 5

I suggest you patiently go through her stuff, and listen to her stories. Her memories do not have to die with her. They can live on in the photos and things that have a story attatched.

Each loved one can get a souvenire of her life, if the stories are told before she goes. I have so many photos of my late parents that I do not know about. This is a lower scale trip down memory lane.

We are all literally dying to get off this planet.

It is a fact of life, seldom confronted, that is so scary that some are destroyed when the reality hits them.

We need to focus on celebrating the life they have led.

The soul is eternal. She'll be in a better place!

God's Word says "It is appointed for every man to die". That is an elephant in the room that no one mentions.

Jesus adds "You must be born again." What is born of flesh is flesh, and what is born of the spirit is spirit.

Answer 6

I'm so sorry! She won't have to spend her limited time feeling sick from chemo and radiation... but...

How is she feeling? Is she up for a trip? Does she have any family... she might want to just go home to mom and hang out with them...

Ask her what you can do for her/ with her to make her happy. If she's feeling ill, she might only want to do small things, like go to a museum or a park, before coming home to rest.

She might want help writing a memoir of her life. She can dictate while you type and publish it to a website to share with the world. Maybe she wants to start a blog to share her experience with other cancer sufferers.

When she is near the end of her life, she might want hospice care.

Good luck and G-d bless!

Answer 7

Time spent with her...in conversation, in reading to her (if she enjoys that), sharing ideas or TV or movies or politics or religion or just looking at art books checked out from the local library and then just discussing those.

Liver cancer can be nasty, so the notion of travel may not be feasible, or may need to be limited.

And another thing that may be hard; leave room for her to talk or not talk about how she feels. Make it clear to her that she can allow herself not to "be brave" for you. Sometimes families are unable to allow that, so that is a gift that you could give.

And simple things...fresh flowers, or a visiting (well-behaved or favorite of hers that belongs to someone else) pet...even a therapy animal. Jigsaw puzzles? Crosswords? playing her favorite games (Scrabble, Perquackey, Parcheesi, Monopoly)...

Answer 8

I am so sorry to hear that. If they won't do treatments, then time must be short. One thing to do is be there for her. You can ask her what she would like to do. I wanted to send my dad and mom on a vacation, but he wasn't able. So I believe you have the right idea...small things ( maybe a trip to the shopping mall...and many have wheel chairs, if needed). Beth above offers some good advice, too.

Answer 9

Mellie, I want to say that I am so very sorry your friend is so very ill. My Mom, died from liver cancer and she went pretty fast. They diagnosed my Mom and she died, one month, to the day of her diagnosis! Now, my Mom's was fast growing and I do not know this about your friend. I am merely giving you my truth with liver cancer experience. I pray with all my heart that you all will have more time with her than we did with our Mom.

I am not sure about your friend but, doing things got harder and harder for my Mom. We drove her to a fireworks display which was done to the sounds of Christmas music. She loved this but, was very tired, when we got home.

All I can say, love on her, talk about the thngs she likes to talk about. If she is a Christian and I pray with ALL my heart she is, then, pray with her. Ask God to give you the words and strength to love her until she is called home. I too, will pray for her and for all of you as this is not an easy walk! Know that you can e-mail me, if you need or, want too.

gail

Answer 10

When a friend of mine's mother was dying of cancer, he bought her a HUGE box of Godiva chocolates where each was a different image, i.e., tennis racket, skates, etc. He wrote a story for her to read that went with each of the images about when she used to play tennis, how she taught him to skate, and she read the story over and over again. It meant a lot to her. She used to not eat chocolates because they were fattening, but at that point it didn't matter.

Other than that, may I suggest you invite her over for dinner, or go stroll in the park, or something? What brings her the greatest joy? Do that. You won't regret it.