Long story short, my FMIL wanted a bunch of kids, but was only able to have my FH. He also lived with them (for financial reasons) until recently - he's 28.
The first year of our relationship, she and I got along great - it was like having another girlfriend around. But now that we've moved in together, and we're getting married in less than a year, she's started to freak out a little bit about losing her "baby".
She makes little comments about me needing to 'learn how to cook' - even while I was making Hamburger Helper - I mean, how hard is that?!? And she's constantly one-upping me when it comes to my FH. (ex. his face was flushed one day, and I said he should put a cold wash cloth on his face before he went to bed. She said "actually, son, you should probably put something hot on your face to draw out whatever bacteria is in there...") Stupid stuff like that...
How do I deal with this? I want to be supportive, since it's hard on her to lose him after so long, but come on!
2007-12-07 00:41:42 · 16 answers · asked by Mrs.10/18/08 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
It just seems like she's constantly trying to remind me that I'm never going to replace her - which I know, and don't want to do anyway!
What to do?
2007-12-07 00:47:16 · update #1
Also, my FH has asked me if I wanted him to say anything to her, and I'm afraid if he does, it will hurt her feelings and make things worse. I don't want to do that either!
2007-12-07 01:05:33 · update #2
Your FH is the only one who can really tell her that her behavior is wrong. She isn't technically doing anything bad, so maybe just letting her or him know how her comments make you feel would help. My MIL did a lot of that until I told my husband how it made me feel and why and I know he said something to her after that.
2007-12-07 00:51:49 · answer #1 · answered by Erica T 3 · 4⤊ 0⤋
My bf and his mom are joined at the hip. Fortunately I really adore her - wish she was MY mom. But still it's a challenge to maintain my independence.
OK how about just going with the flow. When she says he should put a hot compress on his face - agree with her. On second thought, you might be right, Mom. Honey, here's a hot cloth - now, please go lie down - I'm sure you'll feel better soon.
Or Gee Mom, this is only hamburger helper - but I bet you know some trick that will make this really yummy.
Now, as far as losing her "baby" is concerned - that's when you can say nice things like - Mom. You realize why I fell in love with George is because you did such a great job raising a fine young man.
And even go so far as to say - Maybelle, I wish you had been my mom. You and George have such a great relationship.
The idea is to meet her little "chips and digs" with grace and a smile.
Oh and the French have a name for Mothers in law - Ma Bellemere - which means My Beautiful Mother. Look at her in that light and you'll be a whole whole lot happier than if you have to be right all the time.
Ah the language of love.
2007-12-07 01:28:21 · answer #2 · answered by Barbara B 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Oh no! I'm in the same boat as you.
In all honesty, I tried to ignore it at first but I find that by doing that it gives her license to continue acting that way. It's a hard transition all around, but eventually people will have to adjust.
My advice--set your boundaries early because the longer you wait, the harder it will be. It should not be a competition and you should not have to just grin and bear it because then YOU will be compromising all the time, which is not fair to anyone. She will have to learn that her son is grown and is an adult and will have to let go. It's a painful realization for someone who doesn't have anybody else, but it is one that she is going to have to accept.
Have your fiance talk to her about it, because he would probably be the best person to do so. In my opinion, your fiance should be stepping up to this task anyway because if he doesn't his mother will walk all over you two and it will become a bigger issue than it is now. Since we have this same issue with my MIL, my husband and I have been slowly separating from her and not going over as much--it's a slow way to ween them off of each other and not make her so dependent on him. He's also put his foot down and spoken to her about the situation because I have told him how it makes me feel.
Be honest and open with your fiance and let him know so that he can help out with his mother.
Good luck and congrats!
2007-12-07 02:25:47 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
When she makes comments about the washcloth etc, Just smile and say how lucky he is to have a mother with so much knowledge. Boost her ego a bit... she's just feeling unwanted/ unneeded right now.
But it is important that you set boundaries and not let her cross those. If she ever disrespects you, your husband needs to stand up for you immediately. Don't let her barge into your lives... if she shows up at your home unannounced etc, Just crack the door (with the chain lock still attached) and giggle and say, I'm sorry, you've caught us at a 'bad time' (throw a blanket around yourself for good measure) We'll call you later when we can have company."
As of now, with the little comments, I wouldn't have your husband go back and say anything to her about the problem in general... but alert him to your feelings and ask that the next time she goes back and contradicts something you've said, or tries to one-up you that he sides with you. For instance in the previous waschcloth situation he could have said... "Actually mom, doctors recommend the cold washcloth, and you know, when *fiance* puts the cold waschloth on my forehead I feel a lot better than I do with a hot washcloth."
2007-12-07 01:36:27 · answer #4 · answered by vanessa 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha....
I'm not being mean, but that sounds exactly like my FMIL...
Except he has a younger brother, but for some reason FH is the "baby."
I can't even get him to sleep with no shirt on bc his mom says he'll get sick. I have TRIED explaining that it is germs that make you sick but whatever...
All I can say is the more time apart they have the better HE will be. He is committed to you and is leaving his mom for you (not creepy but u know what i mean).
If he has to say something let him. However, that conversation needs to be like 'mom, I know you love me, but I am grown up now and starting my own life with my own family now...." He really should not tell her you are uncomfortable, so as not to strain things. I have tried to just ignore it. It's sad... for her. But she needs to put on her big girl panties and deal with it. It's gonna break her heart when she finds out she's not getting grandchildren
Good luck honey :)
2007-12-07 03:22:31 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Slow down! You are not in a competition with this woman, no matter how hard she tries to make it.
If she's just annoying, then ignore her. Just give her a noncommittal "Thank you for your concern" when she starts in on you and if you have to, remind her that you are his wife not his mother. Seriously, learn to laugh at her when she gets like this (OK, maybe not to her face but certainly to yourself). This is one of those times that you have to learn how to respond differently to a situation in order for it to change. Remember, this isn't a personal attack on you or even about you. It is about her being insecure and unsure how to transition her relationship with her son. If he finds her annoying with all the forehead feeling and "oh baby you look so flushed" then he needs to be the one to say something to her. This really isn't about you.
If she becomes destructive, then you need to have him speak to her. BTW this is a very good sign that he's willing to talk to his momster on your behalf, it shows he's not a mommas boy.
2007-12-07 03:26:14 · answer #6 · answered by Invisigoth 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You may not like what I'm going to tell you because you want to start your life with him, however, having dealt with a woman like this before but for different reasons, it works.
Smile sweetly, and ask her as many questions as possible, make her feel as though shes helping you learn how to take care of her son. Compliment her on what a fine cook she is and ask her to teach her some of her secrets..etc. I realize that your abilities to take care of your FH is fine, however, if you really want her to accept you and your marriage, this will work.
Good luck!
2007-12-07 01:35:35 · answer #7 · answered by Kit 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Just do the best you can and just ignore any of these remarks she makes. It is hard for her but, hopefully, she will get used to it eventually. There is not much you can do, Don't let it become a weird competition though, that will just create more tension. It is probably one of those situations where acting like she doesn't bother you will make you look like the better person and make her look petty.
2007-12-07 00:52:56 · answer #8 · answered by Deanrijo 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Just ignore her. Your future husband needs to take up for you also. She is going through changes in about to lose her son.
Suggest that she join a club or volunteer and get her mind on something else. Maybe she can volunteer at a school and read to children.
Good luck!
2007-12-07 00:52:03 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Oh boy. I have been there once before in my first marriage and am in the same position again. Its not fun to deal with, but its not impossible- and you don't have to ruin your relationship with her.
It actually IS a good idea for your future husband to mention to her that her behavior is wrong. She most likely is just acting out of her emotions without understanding why, or even realizing she is doing it! He may need to gently remind her "You are still my family, but its time for me to start a family of my own."
You have to have boundaries with her, or this kind of thing will continue, and likely get worse when you have children. You just both may need to inform her that she is loved and appreciated by both of you, but that you are adults and have your own lives. Worse comes to worse, some physical distance may be in order. refusing to visit seems mean, but when you couple that with firmly but nicely telling her that her behavior is wrong and hurtful, she WILL eventually get the hint.
2007-12-07 01:12:36 · answer #10 · answered by sevenscarabs 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋