i am in very bad need of advice, can anyone please help?

Question

my husband has wanted to kill himself since before we met. After we got together everything changed atleast for a while. I've been his strength. He told me tonight that he hasn't been giving up that he has gave up. I have lost myself completely, in the process of fighting for his life. I no longer have a sense of self. I feel like I am spiraling completely out of control. In the battle I have lost my sense of sanity. I just feel a complete lack of control now. I don't just want to give up on him, but life has been so unlivable for me, so much to the point where I have just wanted to give up as well on my own life. I can't hold him up anymore, it's not that i want to give up, but i just can't do this anymore. Fighting this has literally sucked the life out of me. I feel so helpless. I usually have all the answers for him. I have come to a dead hault in my life. Any advice out there for me?
I feel like I just can't do this anymore.
What if anything can I do. He is on medicine and seeing

a doctor, but it's not helping. I'm trying to be strong for him but seven years of holding him up out of the downward spiral, and I am going down too. I feel completely lost.

thankyou so much for all of your advice. I don't honestly want to give up on him, I love him way to much to let him do anything, and even if I didn't I wouldn't let him do this. I just feel like things are spinning so out of control that I can't keep him safe anymore. I have completely lost myself with over seven years of this. I am so desperate for the both of us. I never thought it could ever get this complicated.

Answer 1

Listen honey, you've gotta take care of yourself. Get out of that situation as soon as possible. Go stay with a friend or relative and get yourself some help. Anyone who becomes someone else's crutch sooner or later gets all used up trying to keep that person propped up. And it's never enough for the other person. They'll keep taking until you've got nothing left, then make you feel bad for not giving enough. My best friend lost her husband to this very thing, and in a very tragic way. I don't want to get into all the gory details, but it was very hard on her, and after 10 years, she's still not the same (going from one bad relationship to another). She keeps thinking she can fix these fellas, and I think she's trying to make up for her husband's death. It's not your responsibility to prop him up and make him feel like a man. If he's not there yet, there's nothing you can do to get him there. He needs more than you can give him. He needs to face the truth about himself. With you doing everything, why should he try? If he's going to give up, he'll do it with or without you. I've heard of a few guys doing this to their gals, using it to control them and make them feel sorry for them. That's not a man. A man does his best to do right by his family, not sit around and whine about his life. If anyone tells you they want to end their life, get them some professional help. And that ain't you. You need to remove yourself from being his prop. There's a difference between "being there" for your man, and being his strength. He needs his own strength, from within. If he doesn't have it, you can't give it to him. It's got to come from within himself. He's got to want to be strong. It sounds like you've already reached the end of your rope. Talk to a professional about your situation and see what he/she suggests you do. I don't think they'll recommend you stay in this situation. It's not healthy for either one of you. You need to get your strength back...emotionally as well as physically. Please, take care. <*)))><

Answer 2

It sounds like he might need a change to stronger meds and perhaps a different doctor. Perhaps talking to a different one might give a clue to why the meds aren't working and it might indeed require a stay in a local hospital. You shouldn't give up on him if you love him but yet in the long run you must also consider your own health, both physical and mental. It won't do any good for you to spiral down the same path. Aside, from finding a new therapist for him you should consider finding some kind of support group for yourself. You need to be able to find a new center in your life before you can really help him.

Answer 3

oh sweetie, don't give up. I know its so increadably hard right now. I promise you it will get better. pack a picnic on a sunny day go out without him and just sit in the sun. get a journal and start writing in it. cry. scream. take a nap. when your done you'll start to feel better. then go to McDonalds and treat yourself to a milkshake and fries. OK now i will explain all the reasons why this will really make you feel better. Sunshine is good for you when your depressed because it helps your body balance itsself, I don't know why but that was the first thing my doc told me to do when I was in your shoes and was getting depressed. Writing in a journal is a outlet for all the things that you want to say but can't outloud for whatever reason, and it will help you understand how you really feel. Crying has been proven to release stress, and like on George of the Jungle a good holler does too. sleep is good for you no matter what ails you. When you eat something that has protien sugur salt and fat, you body releases chemicals that make you feel better. join a support group, wellbutrin is amazing, and take some time to find you, you CAN'T help him if you can't help yourself.
And Sandylynn is right, you need to evaluate you life and realize that if he ain't gettin better by 7 years and your to this point, your not doing anyone any good.

Answer 4

It is good that he is seeing a doctor but have him see a medical doctor as well to see if there is a physical reason for him feeling this way. It has been found, for example, that too much sugar in a diet can lead to schizophenia. I will give you one site which may help but you can also ask about getting a nurse to visit now and then to give you some time off and that may help you by having someone else there to help. Go to social services and see what they may have to offer or see if you can find a site for visiting nurses in your area. If he is seeing a psychologist, talk to him yourself and explain how you are feeling and perhaps you might be better off for at least a while if he can be committed to a facility which may help him, and you as well. I hope this site helps you but you may get more help from social services or a visiting nurse association. Good Luck to you!!

Answer 5

You can't be your husband's constant savior. It will devour and eventually consume you. Judging from your post I believe its safe to assume this is already taking place. He made need a medicine adjustment or change. I take he is seeing a psychiatrist but what about psychotherapy? A good clinical psychologist may be able to help him through with some of this turmoil he is experiencing. What you need to remember is that this is your life too. You can't help him but sacrificing your entire life. It sounds like his problems were apparent even before he met you. Has your husband considered an extended impatient hospital visit? That might be what is best for him.

Answer 6

The best advise I can give you is to remember who you were when you started this fight for the both of you. You are a very strong willed person! you wouldn't have gotten this far if you weren't. Believe in the woman who began the battle. Don't lose sight of the strength YOU have.. with or without your husband. Take Care of yourself.. eat right,try to rest(because I know sleep isn't easy), and Make A Date With Yourself for YOU time. Most Importantly... Believe in what you know in your heart to be true. Good luck and God Bless You.

Answer 7

having sufferd from depression myself i know the effects it can have on the person suffering from it and those around them,

what i would recomend you do is go back to the doctor and explain just how bad this situation is and discuss the possibility of having your husband moved into a place where he can be monitered and kept safe, of course this would be an extremely hard thing for you to do to somebody you love so dearly but it could be the best thing for him, for you and for you relationship.

i think you should also try and speak to someone about how you are coping with what is happening because you shouldnt be trying to handle this all by yourself, like you said it will make you ill aswell and that is the last thing you want for both your sakes.

explain to your doctor the severity of your situation and find yourself some form of counseling to help you deal with what you are going through.

and I wish you both from the bottom of my heart the very best of luck x

Answer 8

Yes it is very hard sometimes to keep trying to pull someone up who is depressed, easier for them to pull you down.

Some sadly like the therapy you gave but do not want the cure.

And sometimes no matter what you say it will never be right. Depression is an illness, and sometimes psychological, that can sometimes be cured by therapy or medication.

Do you have other family members or friends who can come sit with him so you can have a break.

It is not unusual for people who are suffering depression to have no interest in anything other than discuss themselves and state of mind, much philosophizing constantly going over and over the same thing.

Apart from what you have already tried; is that you need support that he is unable to give.

In the area I live they have crises team that help people like your husband to recover or ways to cope with their depression.

I live in Oswestry Shropshire, (England)

You really do need time to yourself, to be with friends other family members and sometimes on your own.

I spend most of my time on my own, though i have all these other things too. Also have a cat called Poe, expect she will want to come in soon.

Hope this is of some help to you!

Answer 9

I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles. I've been in you husbands shoes in my past life. Unfortunately you are not helping your husband by enabling him. He needs to get serious help, whether it's getting committed or out patient care. If he is truthful to the therapists and Psychiatrists they should know what's best for him for the time being. You need to get to Ala Non. It's a group for the families of people that are addicted to substances, but will really help you see better ways to help you husband by helping yourself first. Good luck to you both.

Answer 10

No one and i mean no one should have to worry about someone killing themselves for 7 yrs, that's just way to much stress and hurt to deal with. You need to get him help and NOW especially if now he has said he has totally given up. Even if he is on medication and still having these thoughts it means its not working and he is going to need counseling and maybe even a new medication that will help work. Believe me sweetie you do not want him to actually do it and you think for the rest of your life what could you of done differently. Just get him help now before it is too late. I have had suicides in my family and they never expressed that they wanted to do it so there was no way for me to prevent it. You know that he wants to so you need to get him help and he needs to work through his issues so that he wants to live life to the fullest and this is possible it happens all the time if somebody does something about it. I wish you and him the best.