Should I get married secretly?

Question

ok so me and fiance are 22 years old, we have been together for 3 years and engaged for 2 years... We both want to get married the only problem is both our parents want us to wait until we are older like 25 or 26 years old, but who wants to be engaged for 6 years that just sounds and looks stupid. We were thinking about just going to get married and Have an "actual wedding later" and we wont tell anyone, only catch is how do we keep it secret? His mom works for the school district as a accountant and I work in the district too! she may see that my tax info has change to married...do you think we can get away with it? how can we go about this without anyone knowing...except for us. oh yeah and did i mention hes her only child....ugh help!!

we do live with each other I am an assistant preschool teacher and he works at Hollywood park casino. There are no plans for children. We have talked to them on several occasions and gotten shot down every time. His older sister had a baby 4 months ago and now his mom keeps going on and on about me being responsible and not getting pregnant.(which I have told her many times we are taking the precautions to prevent it) I love his parents and respect them and I know they love us too. I know it doesn't matter what we look like to other people but its embarrassing when someone asks me if i got married yet and i have to say no and i have no date to tell them either. He wants to get married too and I have never pressured him into it. One minute his mom talks about how nice it will be when we get married but turns around and is against it, I"m confused more than anything, i don't want it to be secret but what other solution is there?

My parents support our choice to get married my mom was against the engagement (the first month it happened) because we were young, but over the past year she has told us both that she wants us to be happy and to do what we want.

Answer 1

what's the point of being married if you have to keep it a secret? then it's just a legal bind that says you share finances and legal responsibility for the others' actions. if you want to get married now then just do it. your parents love you for who you are and should support it even if they advise against it. 22 is still young. i am 21 and been with my bf for 2 1/2 years and couldn't imagine making that commitment this young. I am not saying it couldn't happen in the future and that i don't love him but if you are going ot get married and be together forever, what is the rush?

Answer 2

I think that if you and your fiance want to get married and truly feel like you're both ready, then you should tell his parents that you shouldn't have to wait any longer...and then set a date! It is ridiculous to be engaged for 6 years.

I would advise maybe talking to a pastor/priest first though. Sometimes they offer counseling to help discover potential problems before the couple actually tie the knot. I'm Catholic, and I know that this sort of counseling is available to us, at least. I think some couples are even given long questionnaires to complete separately, so they can compare them. I'm suggesting this because I just plain old hate to see marriages crumble, when this step often highlights troubles before the couple even sees a dark cloud on the horizon. It's a savvy precaution. It's mind-boggling to see how many couples can be so sure they're compatible, but then decide later that they really aren't and divorce due to "irreconcilable differences."

Now that that's been said...My family has some experience with secret weddings! My grandfather's niece drove from NC to SC and eloped on Christmas Eve when she was a senior in high school...and then she and her new husband drove back and went to their separate homes, and acted like nothing was different, until they graduated from high school the following summer! Then I guess they told their family about the Christmas elopement. I think they've been married maybe 45 or 50 years now.

I also have a distant cousin who secretly got married at 15, with her mother's approval...but they didn't tell any of their other relatives, including her father (which is wrong obviously). And then several years later, they had an "actual wedding later" like you said above...and most people thought that was their real wedding! They got married young, but they're still married even 20+ years later. The weird thing is, in my family, teen marriages have a better track record than older marriages. We go against statistics lol.

But the point of sharing these stories is to show you firsthand that a secret marriage can sometimes work. Things were different even back then though, so I don't know if it would work now, or if it would work for you personally. And I don't know how to deal with the tax thing. Maybe consult a tax professional, and see if you'd save more money filing separately? Or just risk it, if you don't think she would ever really see your file.

HTH! And good luck!

Answer 3

No. You are both old enough to make your own decision and be responsible for the outcome. However, Id say you shouldnt be making such decisions on your own if you dont have the financial structure to live separately from your parents. By this I mean--all financial needs--you should be independent enough to pay all your bills, car expenses, housing and all costs. Do you still live at home or are you depending on parents for finances? If you are not doing this well, you are only postponing some real trouble. If you both want to, and can support yourselves, and live on your own, Id step up to the plate and make my own decisions. Before jumping off into deep water, Id ask the parents what their reasoning is for their position. Look around you at others your age and older. Learn from what their success or failure has been, and find out reasons for their success or failure. Dont go through life trying to reinvent the wheel on every issue. Get advice from others. If your decision then is to marry or not, you have made that decision on the very best information that you could find. Good luck either way. Bill in Alabama 63 years old.

Answer 4

Don't get married secretly (you can elope of course -but tell them afterward)

Just the fact that you are trying to keep it a secret sounds like you aren't mature enough to handle the marriage. You could possibly get away with it. But -- are you living together? If you are, why would you want to get married now? If not, are you going to NOT live together once you are married so his mom doesn't find out?

Your parents have a reason for wanting you to wait - they have experience. We change a lot between 17 -25, and they know this.

Why don't you try to compromise. Set a wedding date for 2 years from now (not 4 like they want it) This will give them more time, and give you time to save up money to pay for your wedding.

Answer 5

If you're old enough to elope, then you should be adult enough to tell the parents that you are married. It would cause more problems when the truth comes out later.

I had a cousin who got married at 19. His, then GF's, parents didn't want them to get married but were OK with them living together. They had dated all thru HS and had known each other for 6 years. He told her that he didn't believe in living together and that if they did live together it would be as a married couple. They eloped and told his parents but she was deathly afraid to tell her parents (she was worried about hurting her mom). They were married for 7 years before she finally got up the nerve to tell her mom. Her mom had been dropping the so when are you getting married hints and they finally told her that they were already married. Her mom hit the ceiling and had a big screamfest but then finally calmed down(they are still married).

Answer 6

you are old enough to do what you want. the questions is what's the hurry? if you are engaged and see one another all the time then why can't you just tell your parents that you are planning a wedding and go ahead and get married in lets say a year from now or sometime late 2008 or 2009 maybe if you put it to them that you want to go ahead and start planning instead of going out and getting married next week they will go for it. it does take time to plan. don't just go out and get married unless you are really sure that everyone can put it behind them and except you as married.
I would sit down with them and just let it out, life is to short to not get along with parents on both sides.
good luck!

Answer 7

I'm sorry, I have to disagree with the others. It isn't up to your parents to decide when you're ready to marry. As long as you are over 18, it's up to you.

You are definitely old enough. I was 20 as were my mother and two of my three sisters. My daughter-in-law was 19. Maturity and age are not synonymous.

Talk to your parents about it, help them know that it's YOUR decision. They need to recognize that you're adults and capable of making this decision on your own. If they will support that, fine. If not, and you still feel it's right for you to marry now, then do it. Just be sure it's what you both feel is right - without hesitation or reservations.

I just hope they don't feel they have the right to get involved with other decisions you'll make together after you marry. Controlling as they sound, it could be a possibility. Watch for that and decide now how you will handle it should it happen.

Answer 8

My husband and I were 23 and 22 respectively. Were are going strong with no end in sight. So, first of all, its not too young. Don't rob your families of sharing such a special occasion. You'll regret it later. Tell them, "We're are getting married with or without you," and let them choose. Just be prepared for all responses. If the 2 of you know that the time is right then they'll just have to get over it.

Answer 9

Listen to your parents on this one. If have to go by anyone's back to get married and then worry about people finding out about it, then you aren't ready.

Yes, it is a bit stupid to be engaged for 6 years. But, what's even more of a poor decisions is the fact your initial engagement was longer then your initial dating period. You got engaged after 1 year and were planning a wedding 2 years away.

You don't seem like your ready. A wedding is just as much about the parents, as it is about the couple. Don't go behind your parents back. That's disrespectful and immature.

Why not keep your engagement quiet for a while? Just tell people you are dating. Once you realize, you can get married in a responsable time frame. Then, start saying you are "engaged"

Answer 10

I think the fact that you are planning to do this secretly is a sign that you are too young to get married. Being an adult means facing things head on and dealing with the consequences. True wisdom lies in knowing that you know nothing, so maybe you should at least consider where your parents are coming from.