Is divorce the only option?

Question

I am alcoholic. trying to maintain sobriety. couple slips but getting better. I want to give my wife the security and support that a husband should. She divorced me last year because I didnt meet her emotional needs. she wasnt looking but someone came into her life and and met her needs. a reward from God she thought. I told her it was a test. She said she failed then. I moved on missing her terribly. 4mo later she told me of her mistake. promissed all and would never quit again. 4 mo and filed again. My love and respect for her has grown with every problem we have overcome. I love her unconditionaly. She says she loves me truly but cant risk my possible relapse and her security. Is divorce the only option for her or is it an excuse to leave because her feelings of love for me have changed?

I have been faithful to her . major arguments. pushing and shoving each other. no violence. I have not shown this behavior in a long time, I respect her and have learned not to fight that way anymore. Yes my alcoholism has made big problems for us. If I had no hope or intentions I would give up and not wast her time . but I have faith we can learn be stonger and grow together

Answer 1

If you want to give your wife the security & support that a husband should & if you love & respect her then you must quit drinking. You can do it by yourseft or get help from some oganizations. Your wife says it clearly that she can not risk your possible relapse & her security so if you continue to drink the only option for her is divorce even she still loves you. Come on! be a man, it is hard but you can do it. Good luck!

Answer 2

It doesn't have to be one or the other. She could see divorce as her only option because you don't provide the safety and security and therefore her feelings of love for you have changed. Of course, that would not be unconditional love on her part. My father is an alcoholic and my mother divorced him years ago. I believe it was the right decision for her. HOWEVER, he would not admit that he had a problem and of course didn't try to change. Your situation is different. I think all you can do is live the best way you know how to live and hope that you can eventually overcome this problem. I know that alcoholics are never recovered but until they die are recovering. Still, it seems like having a long period with few or no slip ups might at least begin to rebuild that trust between the two of you. You are in a very difficult situation and I will ceratianly be praying for you.

Answer 3

Put yourself in her shoes. Would you "trust" YOU. I was an alcoholic/drug addict for 20 years. I burnt people on a stick like they were cigarettes and once used up, flipped them out of my life, just like that cigarette.

Evidently your wife doesn't use or you would have said so. If you loved her "unconditionally" as you stated, you would stop drinking. You say your love and respect have grown for her with every problem and it is not the problems you see but the fact that you KNOW you are losing her. I am on my "4" marriage, having put the first 3 through hell. By the fourth I had learned my lesson and "why" the first 3 were unfaithful to me. If I wasn't drinking or drugging with friends, I was out at the bar or a party. For as much money that I made, I gave little to those wives because it all went on my habits.

Take the advice of an old man who has been on the merry go round of s**t. I am now a minister, sober for the last 22 1/2 years, having learned my lessons the hard way. LOVE takes SACRIFICE and no bottle of booze or drug is ever going to keep you warm on a cold winter's night. A good woman is hard to come by and don't be a stubborn jack a$$ like myself to have to look back at all the good you threw away, "simply" for something there is help out there to overcome. I finally went through 2 1/2 years of REHAB. Two times, 6 weeks in 1984, and the rest until 1986 to finish my outpatient. The year before is when I met my 4th wife who helped to keep me sober.

If you love your wife UNCONDITIONALLY, you will do what you have to do FOR that love. I didn't for my first 3 wives, of which one died 5 years ago. My regret? The s**t I put her through when I was drunk and never getting to say I was sorry for it. Treatment is out there. Get it, if she means something to you.....

Answer 4

Is it? I think you already know the answer to this one. I agree with one of the others you do not say what you have put her through with your drinking. She may still love you but she knows it has to be from a distance for her own sanity.

I had to divorce a man I Ioved very much because he was self destructive and was tiring to take me down with him. It was the best decision I could have made. I am married to a wonderful man now for almost 19 years and my ex drank himself to death. That is after he moved on and was living with a lady and he had a son with her he was 6 when his Father and my ex died. He could not leave it alone to raise his own son. Sad I know.

If you have caused severe damage to this relationship there is only one person that can save your marriage and it is God. If you want it ask him to restore you marriage. You cannot do this alone you are going to need all the help you can get and he is the only one who can make a difference. Try it what have you got to lose?

Answer 5

If there is a hope and you are willing to
PROVE IT, pray and ask God to work a
miracle. If your not saved, get saved,
you cant do it on your own. But Gods Holy
Spirit will help you stay away from the drink.
You have the same problems after the drink
so why even bother, its a waste.
If you get straight, and she sees proof in your
Lifestyle....which could take some time,
I think she will see you mean business.
A man should be takin for his word...
if you cant keep a promise to yourself
how can you keep one to her. You cant.
Jesus Christ died for your sins, and when you
except his blood for your sins , and really
realize that GOD DIED for you and loves you
and your wife, and wants you to be married
HAPPILY, when you submit yourself,
he will cause your wife to draw close. You will
be respected and trusted.
You can do all things through Christ who will
strenghten you.
Go find a Spirit Filled Church that believes
the word of God. You will be fine, trust Him.

Answer 6

Based on my own experience, I happen to think that if two people are meant to be with each other, they will be. Through every storm, every bump in the road, outlasting other people who rival their affections, etc.
Only thing is it may involve some time apart and totally letting go of things. If it is meant to be, it will come back to you. If not, it was never meant to be in the first place.
I've had the same man in my life since I was a child and we *always* end up back together. However this has involved time periods spent apart, other people, and some very, very nasty fighting to the point of us being physical with each other.

"What God hath joined together, let no man put assunder." I don't mean an earthly contract, I mean a *spiritual* one. If God really put you two together, ain't nothing going to keep it apart.

Answer 7

God hates a divorceing and there is only one reason and thats adultry.Otherwisw your married in Gods eyes till death you do part.Where is she shopping for security their is nothing 100% sure in life . Her last time leaving was proof of that. Is she going to use your past as an excuse to stop with you till she can move? I know you love her and are sorry about the past but don't be a stepping stone. Keep your diginity you've earned it.Set down some goals and achieve them for your self.She has to learn to trust you and have faith in you as you are now don't accept punishment for the past the rest of your life .People can change and your proving it .She did'nt make a secure go of it without you what does she want?She'll have to bend or she may break you don't give your power of self will away.It's a gift from God.

Answer 8

Keep staying sober and support your wife through her problems also. If she really loves you she will come back to you eventually. If you really love her you will do all the right things in life that will make her happy. Dont be miserable if you can help it, Stress is not what you want to happen. Keep loving the person you love and everything will work out for the best in the end.. Pray.

Answer 9

If you are married in the church, legally married, divorce should never be an option. You and your wife may get beter if you will look for a legal separation but your children will not. And even if you live better, yo are still living against the will of God. Why? for better or for worse, till death do us part. You swear to God to be with her till the rest of your life "no matter what" Don't tell me, hanggan diyan ka lang? we are men. you can change if you really want to. There is no impossible to a person who believes he can. but if you do not believe in yourself that you can change, nothing will happen in your life. It is true, that in the road, even if we are already married, we will meet someone whom we think is better than our wife, so what. Will you give up your wife just for that reason, you love someone better than her? who is with you during your lowest moment must be valued more than to the person whop is with you only during your happy hour. I do not know your real situation. I'm just guessing. but never make something where your children are the losers. Sometimes, we need to give up our happiness for better result of the situation.

Answer 10

It's an excuse to not put forth the effort to help out her struggling spouse. Problems that arise in a marriage are not just the problems of one of the spouses or the other. They are obstacles that you meet together. If she loved you, she would be supporting you in any way possible to help you through your addiction. She is thinking only of herself, not of your needs.

If she doesn't think she can hack it in this relationship, you should be glad she is honest and cut your losses. I think she could very easily step up and walk you through this. She doesn't seem to want to do that.

People aren't perfect, including your wife, but we can try a little harder than she is, I think. However, when it's over, it's over. Tough situation.

Congratulations on your achievement, though. Keep it up. It's totally worth it to see the world through sober eyes.