Wedding vows without the legalities...?

Question

My bf and I are planning to have a small thing in front of a few family members stating our vows to each other. However because we can't afford to be legally married we're being judged!? :-( He's on disability and if we marry he loses too much right now. We're deeply in love and if it weren't for the government having control of his money we'd be planning the legal part as well. My questions is... Why do some people see us as sinners because money is keeping us from making it legal? We're both Christians and he attends church every Sunday. I'm still not comfortable with church because I feel like we're judged every time we go. We had one woman tell us that hi even holding my hand was a sin. It's just disgusting to me that even in "God's house" as the preacher calls our church we're still being judged by "holy rollers" :-( He's even saving himself for me until we've shared our vows. I made the mistake and had sex at a young age.

LOL Jacklyn that's a good point though.

Yeah we're planning a future "legal" wedding, but we don't see the point if we're in love then we should be making the best decisions for ourselves it's just some of the people who want to express their views on us not being married are in his church and make me uncomfortable. He tells me if they want to judge then it's thier issue not ours. Only one can judge any of us and they aren't HIM.

Well that's the thing if it wasn't for the money he gets from disability we'd really be in the hole. It's not a "commitment ceremony" as it is making our feelings and promises for each other be expressed in front of our families and God. I often wonder what the narrow-minded souls would do if they were stuck in a world where there was no government to tell us what is a marriage or a wedding. What they'd do if the government that is keeping his hands tied from marrying the one he loves by punishing him and taking away what is given to him because he can not work. The money that he gets though from the government is what is keeping this from being legal. The government has his hands and heart tied by saying if you marry we'll cut your check by half if not more. So you see it's people like the one's answering here that what I'm doing is wrong that make me wish they could walk a mile in our shoes. Be in love and have your job tell you that you can't marry or they'll cut your wages!

I work I also pay those taxes you're talking about. I may not have the best of jobs to support im and I without what he gets, but I feel we should still have the same rights as a couple who can both work. I dunno I guess it goes back to the saying "nothing in life is fair" well neither is being in love with someone who can't have exactly what we want for the both of us.

Answer 1

Some people are just so miserable in their own lives that they have to find fault with others. There is nothing wrong with what you are doing.

Sure, it is romantic to say that love is more important than money ~ but, seriously! If you are unable to support the both of you w/out your fiance's disability money, then it would be a mistake to become legally married.

Right now you are doing what you can to celebrate your relationship ~ and being incredibly responsible at the same time.

Best of luck to you both :)

EDIT: One advantage to a legal marriage ~ should something happen to one of you, spouses are automatically allowed visitation rights in the hospital, trauma center, etc. The spouse also has rights re: medical decisions, financial decisions, etc in case of a medical emergency or death. I know ~ not the most pleasant subject. And even if you get along w/each others family now ~ you never know what a crisis will do to a person. So, you may want to consider a legal marriage at some point in the future. Again, it is not romantic to think about material possessions ~ but unless you are legally married, should a medical emergency or death occur, your fiance's family will have control, not you.

Answer 2

First, your relationship status really isn't anyone else's business. If those people can't find anything better to do than concern themselves with your love life, they have too much time on their hands!

Secondly: for less than $100 you can apply for a marriage license and have a private wedding with a judge, justice of the peace, or pastor. All you need is an officiant, yourselves, and two witnesses. If you want to have a big wedding, save your money and have a vow renewal ceremony on your 5th anniversary. I would recommend having a private ceremony so that your marriage will be legal and so that you will have legal rights as a couple.

Answer 3

He shouldn't lose disability benefits when he gets married. Social security disability benefits are based on the amount of money you were previously making when you were able to work. Total combined household income has nothing to do with that. If it is a medicaid issue then it could get more complicated, but the income limits are raised when the household size gets bigger. I would talk to a professional/lawyer who specializes in disability. You may be surprised as to what you find out. Plus as a wife you get more benefits with regards to health decisions, etc.

If it still doesn't work out have a church ceremony, but not a legal one. Talk to the church. If that still doesn't work, then ignore the holy rollers, keep your current situation and get on with your life. Maybe just have a committment ceremony then.

Answer 4

The religious and self rightous are always going to see you as sinners if you aren't legally married. Don't worry about them. If a legal arrangement isn't feasable for you at this time, then go on and pledge your love publically to one another.

edit: I agree with the others to get a lawyer look into his disability payments issue because something doesn't sound right there. The only way I've known for someone to lose benefits by marrying is when they are collecting widow's benefits or are eligible to receive a dependent's payments (in the case of the mentally handicapped).

Answer 5

Tiffy:

You go ahead with your ceremony and don't listen to others!! What kind of old biddies are telling you (in church no less) that holding hands is a sin....that is crap!! It seems that you two should look for a more "welcoming" church. Sounds like those people are stuck in a time warp.

You MOST CERTAINLY should have your ceremony....have a little party after too! No one can or should sit in judgment of others actions. Every person "has a story," and unless you are in their shoes, you should shut up. You ARE NOT a sinner!

I hope you have a beautiful day, a lovely ceremony and a nice little party.

Blessings to you and your fiance.

Answer 6

I think it's great that - even though you can't afford a real wedding right now - you two are committed yourselves to each other as husband and wife.

People are always going to judge you and your life, one way or the other. Just decide within yourself if what you're doing is right or wrong and go by that.

For the record, I think it's great that you two are doing this. You're obviously in love enough that a piece of paper isn't going to make a difference, which is great!

Good luck and try not to let other people's opinions bother you! :)

Answer 7

It is very easy (and relatively inexpensive) to be married quietly at the courthouse. You don't need special clothing. You don't need flowers.

http://usmarriagelaws.com/search/united_states/index.shtml
Go to site above, and click on your state for details.

Phone numbers for the courthouses will be at the bottom of the page. Call your local courthouse, and set up a date/time to be married.

A quiet courthouse wedding eliminates all this angst you seem to be having about not being legally married. Just go to the courthouse and get it done.

If it is important to you or your fiance, you can arrange to have your marriage blessed in the church at a later date.

Re: JM's advice above . . . "I would talk to a professional/lawyer who specializes in disability. You may be surprised as to what you find out. Plus as a wife you get more benefits with regards to health decisions, etc."

I agree. Consult a professional who specializes in disability benefits. You may be surprised at what you find.

Answer 8

A sin is a sin. Whether you want it to be a sin or not. If you believe that you should be married before sex, having a commitment ceremony isn't really the same thing. It is like getting married because you got pregnant - you want to hide the fact that you are sinning behind the mask of having a ceremony. That doesn't make it less of a sin, and getting married after getting pregnant doesn't mean you didn't sin when getting pregnant.

God laid down the law in the Bible. You have to interpret it how you feel, however keep in mind that it is easy to "interpret it according to our will" by choosing to do something (like your ceremony instead of a wedding) because it is more convenient, or because we really want it to be.

I personally believe that what you are doing is wrong. Not because you are having a commitment ceremony instead of a wedding, but because you are basically "doing the same thing as getting married" but not legally because you don't want to lose money from us taxpayers.

Answer 9

ok its almost 2008 there are worse things going on that 2 people holding hands that aren't married im sure every single one of them are christians that have sins.Listen who cares what they think.Ive done alot of sins but im going to heaven you can be christian and not perfect.geezz there are people killing eachother all over the world go to church pray for them and who cares what the 100 yr old woman sitting next to you thinks.You know what i do when people stare stare back until they look away.

Answer 10

I don't think it is anyone's business if the marriage license is signed or not.. invite them to the ceremony and let them assume you signed the license.