BSE Adoptees & Open adoption?

Question

My closed adoption was not emotionally healthy for me. I was glad in recent years to hear that most adoptions were now 'open' meaning that there would be meetings, gifts, photos, and most important--ongoing information.

From what I read now, it seems these agreements orcontracts are not honored much, if at all.

My question is this--how would you have felt, upon meeting your natural mother, to find out that the agreement was not honored, and she was intentionally shut out of your life.

Photos and gifts were ignored or destroyed, the relationship was severed, all promises broken, maybe your adoptive family moved away to gain distance from your mother...

How would that affect your relationship with your adoptive family?

Answer 1

I agree with Possum and Andraya. I WOULD BE PISSED! More than likely, I would have trouble believing anything else that they had to say. Especially knowing that I have ALWAYS had a desire to know. There would be a serious strain on our relationship. Some a-parents do this to try and protect their children from being hurt. All this is doing is hurting more, destroying trust and causing more problems and harm than good.

Answer 2

I agree with Kate. Things have changed so much in the past few years that you'd need to talk with younger adoptees. Even now, it can also vary from agency to agency. Some are not really concerned with preparing people to be the best parents possible, but just to place children. And then some parents don't realize that they need to educate themselves. They are thinking "parenting" not "parenting an adoptee". Although my almost twelve year old (TRA/IA) son occasionally reads the questions here with me, I won't let him post. It would break his heart to share his experiences and then get thumbs down. If you'd like his answers to your questions, email me and I'll let him answer.

Answer 3

Of course it would cause me to resent my adoptive family, and wonder in what other ways they had lied to and manipulated me. It would make me question the meaning of the word "love." It might prevent me from ever having a meaningful relationship. I hope this doesn't sound overblown, but I can't imagine being betrayed like that by the people who claimed to love me the most and then going on to trust anyone. Ever. Again.

My a'parents always shared what little info they had about my origins. They were given some info on my background by someone at the agency, but not allowed to write anything down. As soon as that meeting was over, my a'mom ran out of the room and wrote down everything she could remember hearing. This all later matched up perfectly with my non-ID info and was corroborated by my first mother.

When you love a child, you do what's best for them and set aside your jealousy, desire for security, or whatever else might make a parent behave in such a deplorable way.

I know there are open adoptions that later close because the first mother bows out, or for any number of other legitimate reasons. That's not what this question is about though.

Answer 4

Very good question.

I would have to think that I would first of all feel very betrayed, and hurt. Somewhere along the lines of how a lot of a-parents feel when their adoptee decides to search for their n-families. I bet the feelings of betrayal and hurt would run quite parallel.

Although, I can't say that I would be angry at them forever, *if* this had happened, because I'm sure somewhere along the line forgiveness would come. However I don't know if the relationship would ever go back to being the same as it once was (just as the relationships of many reunited adoptees and their a-parents are never the same).

Answer 5

I would probably have never spoken to them again.

The closest I can come...

My first mother gave the nun who worked with her during her pregnancy and my birth a letter to give to my adoptive parents. It contained some basic information and also the name she had given me. The nun said she would pass it along. She didn't. That upset me terribly when I found out. (I don't think I will ever forgive that nun.)

The other event, that comes close to this, is my non-identifying information. My adoptive father actually had it. My sister (his biological daughter) found it at one point snooping through his room. I saw it, but made her put it back so he wouldn't know she was snooping. A week or so later, I asked him if he knew anything. He said he thought he had some information somewhere. But he never gave it to me. And when my sister looked again, it was gone. We found it again several years later. This time, I took it and didn't care if he knew we were snooping. That was twenty years ago, and I'm still hurt that he wouldn't give me that precious information. I know he has some issues, too, and I've moved past it. But if they had closed down an open adoption, I don't think I ever could have gotten over it.

Answer 6

I'm with Andraya - I would have been so very very angry with my adoptive parents.
And the similarly - if I had an open adoption but my first family closed up contact - I would be very angry with them also.
You would hope that the adults that are meant to love and care for you and your wellbeing - would put their own problems behind them - and do what's best for their child.
But sadly - this is not always the case.
When adults make decisions based on their own needs - rather than on the needs of the child - children always end up getting hurt.

Answer 7

It would probably have destroyed my relationship with my family.

But you are wrong. MOST open adoption agreements are honored, like most adoptions are not contested.

We only hear about the ones that go wrong.

MOST parents who agree to an open adoption know that it is in the best interests of the children involved to know both of their families.

Answer 8

My mom sent me many cards and notes that I didn't ever get to see, until I found them while snooping.

My family moved away from our (first family, and aextended family) when I was 6. It was because of my dad's job, not to get away from her, but she never got our new address. Found me again this year.

I'm not really resentful. Its not in my nature to be so, but I do believe they should have let me have that stuff, as well as have pictures from her. At first it was really hard for me, but now I realize that everyone makes mistakes.

Answer 9

I'm the father of two adopted children that are now on their own. I understand you are looking for answers from children (adults) that were involved with BSE and open adoptions. Sorry to hear about your experiences, in replying to anyone asking about adoptions, I always tell them to go to their library to read the different books on adoptions to avoid what you are going thru. My wife and I spent many weeks reading and getting information on the types and ways of adopting a child or children, before we applied to adopt.
I don't have any answers to give,. only to say the questions you have, answers should come from your adoptive family.
My daughter found her birth mother after many years of both my wife and I, along with her efforts. I'm sorry to say that I missed meeting a great women, she passed away with a massive heart attack less than a year after our daughter found her. We wanted to give our daughter the time both needed to answer questions, before we met her. Since our daughter lived out of state, the two only had the time to meet with each other three different times. Unlike what you have experienced our daughter was satisfied to get her questions answered by her birth mother, there was the start of a good relationship.
I don't know what's your faith is but- Pray to the Lord that he can help you with your problems that you have encountered and trying to get answers to.

Answer 10

well first of all i have never had that problem. so therefore its hard to be put into someones shoes you know when you are asked and you can only take a few minutes and pretend what would you do. in my case of what i have felt. i really wouldn't be shocked at all. first of all the adoptive parents are trying to keep it quiet and save maybe you from something you may or may not beable to handle. that is all. maybe also they can't handle the truth either. after years of being with you to have you maybe shut them out and it could be done with stuff like that you could maybe feel. so that is why there is all this rumble about this. i in fact feel yes my adoption was closed but you know what i have found out most of it and the fact of the matter my real blood dad didn't want to give me up neither the mom but they did cause she walked out. well so what. you had a good life and yes, its closed but when you turn 18 in most states you can petition your records and find out what you want or maybe you knew or heard bits and pieces i mean its done and gone and nothing can bring anything back so take care.