how to let go a painful past????

Question

I can't forget my deceased bf.I have a son with him he died oct 30 2006.I keep thinking of all the times he would beat me up,and I get really upset.We were together for 3 years.From day one I dealt with one particular girl calling my home at least twice a month.We even went to her house and he told her he's with me to leave us alone but she continued calling.I know it was cause he keep something going with her.I got pregnant the second year at that time I was ready to end the relationship.He clamed he'd change.The night before I decided to get an ab he jumped on me when I told him to leave after getting calls from the same girl all day.I didn't want any ties to him so I got an ab that time.He was mad I asked GOD to forgive me.My bf didn't I think GOD didn't either.My bf bagged to stay and I loved him so much he said he forgave me,but after that the fights got worse. We just wouldn't move on somedays he would hit me so hard I thought I'd die.He got a new girl and denyed it I was hurt.

my bf hit my eye till it was red on the whole side of my face,when I asked him to spend time with me.At that point I found out about the other girl and he left.After a week he was calling after 2 he was back.I was so sick without him I let him back we had some good times If I knew what I couldn't see then it wouldn't went that way.He comes back this girl starts calling when I'd put him out we'd fight sometimes he'd leave.I wouldn't call but, when he did he'd be back.We continued that up until the day he died,he continued living with me.The night before he died he proposed we stayed up all night we had peace.The next morning slite argument make up.2pm we made plans to leave town,3pm he left we kissed goodbye he said he'd be back later he love me,3:30pm police shot him.He lived with me for 3 years I got his clothes for funeral helped moneywise.I was 2mths pregnant.I wasn't even on his obituray,just said he had an unborn child.I did everything for him.That part hurts, I feel like a fool.

Answer 1

You've learned from your past, and tomorrow is a brand new day! Now, you make your future, it's all up to you! Good luck!

Answer 2

God never gives us more to bear than he feels we are confident enough to handle. Think of just one good time and let that be your memory, then move on. Someone out there is going through the same right now. It does not mean either of you deserved it. Pamper yourself with small moments of personal attention even if its just a bubble bath or a hot cup of tea. Read about one good deed each day, smile at one person, do something positive and every day will get better. God gave us free will to make those tough choices, not to criticize us but to understand that life is far from perfect. He already knows you wish for better, think better of yourself and find an interest that gives you peace and a sense of worth. Move forward, what is behind you cannot be changed. Keep your chin up and yes it is okay to cry. Just remember to also laugh.

Answer 3

This was a productive relationship, in terms of your having a child that I assume you love, but it was a destructive relationship, in terms of how you and your b/f related to each other. Just reading your post, it's hard for me to fathom that someone would be in this kind of situation, but I feel something in the post that tells me this is not made up or exaggerated. I feel that you are an honest person, telling the truth. I cannot recommend strongly enough that you call a local agency that offers sliding scale fees for psychotherapy for family counseling that includes you and your son. It sounds to me like you have a lot to work through--not just the situation you had with your b/f, but whatever happened to you earlier in life that would even let you consider being in that kind of relationship, willingly. I can hear that you are in pain, and your child will absorb that pain from you. It will begin to rule both of your lives. You cannot be what he needs you to be if you are grieving, and if you are not emotionally balanced. There is help out there to assist you and your child through this and to a healthier future. Please, please call and find an affordable therapist, so you and your son can have a healthy future. It is the ultimate gift to your son, to give him an emotionally healthy mother and the chance for an emotionally balanced future, himself. I wish you all the best!

Answer 4

The way, the only way, to let go of the past is to accept it. It is your past. It is part of you. You need to accept it as such, and learn from it.

You also need to let go of the resentment and anger that you have. You can do this through the act of forgiveness. Most people don't understand what "forgive" means. It does not mean that you condone another's actions. It does not mean that you forget. It does not mean that you have to treat a person or a situation as if it never happened. It means only that you no longer harbor resentment to that person or situation. It frees YOU from constantly reliving what happened. It means that you no longer fill up a cup of venom for that other person, and then drink it yourself.

Acceptance and forgiveness are perhaps the two most powerful tools you will have.

Answer 5

Sweetheart, first, thank God you have been released from this abusive man forever! Remember, love does not hurt, especially physically.

Abusive men DO NOT LOVE, remember that. You need to build your self-esteem, figure out why you stayed and how come you were a "mark" for someone like him. It's important you do this so you won't ever get into another relationship with one like him. There are way too many of these guys out there, you have to out smart them. How? By valuing/respecting yourself, not being needy or desperate ("I need a man") and doing something positive with your life.

Get some counseling for this, you need to work through the abuse you experienced and move on. You can do this through talk therapy with a female counselor versed in abuse. Check out your local mental health clinic for low cost sessions, go once a week and do your "homework". Ask the counselor to give you tools to deal with the memories, feelings, etc.

Catch yourself when you think of him, make sure you think of him in a negative way and give thanks he's now standing in front of God instead of with you.

Live your life, make it good and rise above this. I did. Email me if you want to get some support and more information. A great book: "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Pat Evans, one of the best out there that describes them, show you have to deal with them and move on. I suggest you get it and read it over and over.

You take care of yourself. You CAN do this! Go girl!

Answer 6

I'm going to be blunt: you need counseling. If he was still alive, he probably would have killed you by now, and here you are trying to get over him?
Get some counseling to find out why you'd choose to stay with a guy like that in the first place. If money is an issue, you can go to your local university to get help from a closely supervised graduate student at a very reduced rate. Until you get that sorted out, you will keep picking a$$-holes like him and risk getting you & your baby hurt or killed.

Answer 7

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You have a child to think about. A child who loves you and you should put him first above everything in your life.
Make sure he grows up feeling loved. Make sure he has what he needs, a home, family, food, education. Teach him morals and values, right from wrong, to help others.
God took someone bad away and left you with someone who loves you and needs you.
You are to be a responsible adult now. Take care of your child
and happiness will find you.

Answer 8

I know you may be dealing with an emotional lost but be for real that was a blessing because a lot of women aren't' that fortunate because they end up in the grave. Some things are to prepare you for your destiny so learn from your past and press forward.

PS- GOD always forgives you and He loves you and don't ever forget it.

Answer 9

Wow. It's easy to say time will heal your wounds, but it does. It's not your fault he's gone, but you really should get some counseling so you can figure out why you stayed with him for so long. I'm not sure if you have a child, or had an abortion?? Do talk to someone to sort out your feelings. Good Luck.

Answer 10

I don't know how old you are, but I really think it is time to move on and forget the horrible past...There are better men out there!! You do not need to be beaten by a man to be loved, so find a nice guy and let this other man rest...

Answer 11

It's normal to grieve, even for an undeserving a**hole like that guy. Sorry to speak ill of the dead, but realities have to be faced. The guy was an abusive, unfaithful liar. You desperately need therapy so that you NEVER stay with a guy like that again. For one thing, you deserve better. For another thing, your son will grow up just like him if you continue to see guys like him.
Best of luck.