As an adopted kid, do I have a right to feel this bad?

Question

I've lived in the same foster home since I was 5. Got adopted at 11 and now I'm going to be 20 in a few months. My adoptive brother just died and I took it hard. Harder than his own flesh and blood. As much as I wish I was blood, the fact is I'm not. I may have just been that kid who stayed at his Mom's house for all I know. I couldn't step foot inside his house. I started crying so hard. His father was there too (his ex wife adopted me so I'm not his kid). After I started to cry, his dad told me something that really made me think. He said that I may have been close his son but I wasn't nearly as tight with him as he was. I know it's true. But it made me feel like crap. At the funeral last month, I felt strange riding in the limo. I was up there and his blood relatives weren't. I felt strange and out of place like I had no right. I even said something during the funeral. I said he was like a father to me and I think it upset his Father.

I've never known someone who died before. And I'm really confussed. His mother and father and children are doing better than I am. And I feel so strange for taking it so hard. Anyone have any advice? I'm going to talk to my therapist tomorrow too.

It felt like his Dad was really telling me to suck it up because I wasn't really related to his son anyway. That's what I got from it.

Answer 1

Hi "adopted kid". I have five adult children who were adopted at birth. Could I suggest something to you.
Get this "blood" thing out of your head. Blood does not make a father, mother etc. It is the connection, the love, the caring, the looking after for the rest of the childs life.

It seems to me from what you have said. That there was a separation in that you were adopted and there were children that were born to the family.

There lies the hurt. My children, were my children, I had one pregnancy and I always introduced them all as "my children" not "this is my adopted child and this is "my own".

Do not let anybody affect you, so that you feel "like crap"
If the Father was upset, that is his problem not yours.
You loved your brother and you will hurt for a while, but it will get easier.

What you have to do now, for yourelf, is get strength in who you are. Not who you are blood wise, but who you are as a unique individual. You not having the same blood as your brother does not mean anything. You connected from the inside and you WERE his brother. The Father sounds like a very vindictive man. Talking like that to somebody who is hurting over this boys death, means he has no compassion, or understanding in him.

You are 20. You have your whole life ahead of you. Make something of it. Write down your dreams all of them, then start crossing out the least important until you have one left.
Head for that dream, whether it be a career, somewhere else to live, a future family. etc. If you are determined you will reach it. However, to be determined you must think positively and be positive much of the time. Let this blood family thing go. Be thankful that you knew your brother and the love you had for him.

Answer 2

I'll tell you what it is. The father is a dink for saying what he said. You are a good, caring, mindful and loving person who didn't let the fact that you weren't blood with your brother stop you from loving him and then not being afraid to feel and show the terrible loss his passing left in your heart. The father is jealous of the fact that you had a more truly loving relationship with your brother than his own father did, and he's trying to make you feel like crap for it. Jealousy is an ugly thing and it makes people do ugly things. The fact that his blood relatives are okay and you're not just proves that they are out of touch with their feelings and were never close to him, which is why they don't feel the passing as hard as you do. Don't worry about them. Their lack of the ability to love will catch up to them one day. Take care of yourself. Instead of dwelling on the loss you feel, try remembering all the ways in which your brother brought joy to your life and use that as a way to continue feeling good about being alive. Make it a point to dedicate making your life a good and happy one to the memory of your brother. He's off to a better existence and if he's watching you right now, he'd want you to be living a good life and not being miserable about something you can't change anyhoo. I've lost a father, so i'm telling you from experience. It's the only way, and the easiest, to go.

Answer 3

Oh honey.

Look you lost your biological family at an early age and you were close with your adoptive brother - someone you really connected with.

And then you lost him too.

So it's OK to feel really, really bad.

And as far as your "family" is concerned - well, people say things that can be pretty harsh sounding under times of duress - and people under duress can hear things said badly and take them even more badly.

What you can do is agree with yourself that you feel awful at the loss of someone who was all you ever knew as family.

Now then. You can use what your brother taught you to lead a good and fulfilling life. Just stop and think - would Brother have done it this way?

When you get married some day, love your wife. Love your children. And above all, love your God.

And Brother will be proud.


Oh and one more thing - you may not have been born into that family - but you were CHOSEN to become a part of that family. That's cool.

Answer 4

Nothing is wrong with the way you are taking it at all. His father may have wanted to make himself feel better by saying what he said to you. It never matters how tight the person was with anyone. He held aspecial place in everyones heart that knew him. While you were not a blood relative you were still his family. There are people who are friends and consider themselves family because they were extremely close. I had a friend who passed away and I was really upset for a really long time while some people in her family werent taking it that hard. But they didnt know her well enough to care I guess. Point is...you can grieve however you'd like. I am realyy sorry that he is gone but you will be okay and its a good idea to talk to your therapist but I am sure he or she will tell you there is nothing wrong with being so upset. He was special to you and that is great. Good Luck to you.

Answer 5

Let me tell you that blood means nothing. All blood does is give a false sense of security that we can trust these people. When in fact there are some that you can't. My blood relatives (that's what I call them become they don't deserve to be called family) have done some pretty bad things to my parents and our immediate family. These people don't love us anymore than a stranger does as strangers have treated us better. They've stolen, robbed, slandered and destroyed everything on that side of the family. Yes a family business and money was more important to them than their family. We hadn't buried my grandfather yet and they already cleaned out his business & apartment. But enough about me.

Family is about people who you can trust, love and respect. Family consists of people we can count on. Family don't require blood but a bond of love, an understanding. Blood will never define what a family is.

To me it makes complete since that you were in the limo. This was your brother, the man you looked up to. The man who was there for you and loved you. Your mother must have understood this as that is why you were in the limo. It seems to me that there is some jealousy from his father regarding your relationship. There has to be as he made it a point to say something about their relationship. I understand how this could make you feel like crap. But really it tells you your brother spoke of the relationship he had with you, must have been pretty special.

Everybody reacts differently to death. Some people can't handle it and others try to forget. I cry and cry and my husband locks himself away in the bedroom for weeks. How people grieve don't necessarily reflect how they feel inside. Some just don't know how to let it out.

You need to know in your heart that your brother loved you and would have wanted you there as much as anyone else. Know that through Christ you will see your brother again. Realize that your family sees you as nothing else other than family. I have a couple adopted cousins that I forgot all about being adopted because to me they've always been my family, apart of me. Just as you are apart of your brother. Nobody can ever take this away. No one can ever take the love, bond and memories you two had together. Cherish them as through you he lives on. Through you he still can affect and change the world. You are in my prayers! May God Bless you and your family. Good Luck!

Answer 6

These people are your family. You had every right to be there in the limo and you had every right to speak at the funeral. You have every right to be upset. Grief hits everyone differently just allow yourself to feel the pain and working through it with someone is good idea. Just because you weren't a "blood" relative doesn't make you any less of a relative or a family member.

Answer 7

You are taking the loss of him hard because you loved him. We all grieve differently. Some are sad and others grieve for a long time. Everything is normal really. Also, I think you need to rethink the idea about being adopted. You should thank God that you were adopted and had somewhat of a normal childhood. We can't choose our parents. Do not dwell on things you didn't like or things you didn't get. You will only make yourself depressed and unable to sustain relationships. Instead dwell on the life you did have. As for the Dad's remarks, I don't think he meant it as it sounded. He is in mourning, too.

Answer 8

Moe, honey, you have every right to feel the way you feel. I think what your brother's (leave the word adoptive out of it) father said was mean, spiteful and hurtful. I can't ever understand adults who want to hurt someone in this way.

I can tell you from experience that it takes more than blood ties to make a family. It is the love and committment shared by those who have familial ties. Those ties don't have to be biological to be real. Don't shortchange yourself on your emotions, and don't ever allow anyone to say that you don't have a right to feel badly. Death is one of the hardest things we have to come to terms with in our lives. To help you understand what you are going through, I have posted a link to a site that discusses the stages of grief so you will know that what you feel is normal. And anyone who loved your brother and was as close as you two were would be feeling the same feelings.

It will take time to move forward... but you will.

The five stages of grief are:

1. Denial: The initial stage: "It can't be happening."
2. Anger: "Why ME? It's not fair!" (either referring to God,
oneself, or anybody perceived, rightly or wrongly,
as "responsible")
3. Bargaining: "Just let me live to see my child(ren)
graduate."
4. Depression: "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"
5. Acceptance: "It's going to be OK."

For a complete look at these stages, go to the link I have pasted here.

And please let me offer my condolences on your loss.

Answer 9

Sweet heart dealing with death is never easy whether you are related to that person or just a friend. You have every right to be just as upset as his blood relatives. And just because you are adopted that does not mean you are not a true family member. I have to cousins that are adopted but I never looked at them any different. When you and your therapist feel it is appropriate you need to address the issue at hand with your brothers father.

Answer 10

You had a close relationship to someone who died. You miss that person and it hurts that he's gone. Blood and genes have nothing to do with how you feel about someone. When that someone is gone, it hurts and you have every right to feel what you're feeling. No one has the right to tell you you don't.

It sounds very much like his father feels some jealousy of the relationship you had with your brother. That's his issue, not yours. If your Mom wanted you in the limo, you had a right to be there.

Try not to allow someone else's problems to become your own. Everyone grieves in their own way so allow yourself to feel what you're feeling and to grieve for the loss of someone you love. You always have a right to your feelings.