Is it tacky to ask that no gifts be given?

Question

My wedding is coming up next year. We'll be happy to have our friends and family celebrate the event with us, but I imagine that some people will want to congratulate us by sending a gift. This will be very hard to deal with, for the reasons below.

My fiancée and I have been together for years. We already have everything that we need and almost everything that we want. We'll be getting married in the USA, but we live oversees. It would probably cost as much to ship gifts as to buy them new over there.

I don't like the idea of directing people how to give me things. It just seems rude. I certainly am not going to ask for cash. Even asking that gifts not be given seems presumptuous. On the other hand, I hate to accept people's gifts knowing that I'm just going to have to sell them or re-gift them.

What would you do?

Answer 1

Honestly, if you don't tell them where you're registered, since you're not at all, they will most likely send monetary gifts. I'm sure money will help you and your new wife along, or at least you could put it in a savings account just in case. That's mostly what I received when I did not put the place we were registered in with the invitation.

There really is no tactful way to tell people in an invitation that you don't want gifts. If you put something in there you don't know what type of reaction you will get. You could try to spread it by word of mouth through family members instead of announcing it with your invite.

Answer 2

There are two schools of thought, Miss Manners and Emily Post. It depends which school you belong to. I myself am and Emily Post-er(I actually wrote to the Emily Post Institue and asked this same question) and she says that in this day and age it is appropriate to address the no gift request by saying "No gifts, please" nothing else, dont cute it up by saying "Your presence is our present" or "the only gift we request is the gift of your presence" because it is often misleading and some people may not "get" what you are saying.

Miss Manners advises against any mention of gifts as it is construed as presumptuous, as if you are expecting gifts at a completely gift optional event.

So which should you choose? I have no idea, I am still struggling with the decision as well. I think I am personally going to leave any mention of gifts off and if people ask I will say nothing, we just want you to come. If they insist I am going to say a Christmas ornament, since they are cheap and will fill the empty hands that so many of my husbands family cant handle coming with.

I dont like to recommend the charity idea unless you say that it should be donated to the charity of the givers choice because giving to Charity is such a touchy thing, if you choose a chairty that someone doesnt agree with it can get ugly.

ETA: I LOVE Breezer's idea, how clever and what a really nice thing to have! Go with that!

Answer 3

My fiance and I are in a similar situation. We're in our 30's, we have a house, and we have everything we need. In fact, when I moved into his house after becoming engaged, we each had to sell and donate lots of items. We do not want, or need, any more STUFF! And we don't want our friends and family to feel like they need to spend money on us.

Because so many people seem to think that any mention of gifts in the invitation is rude, we're doing the following:
- not registering for gifts. This should give folks a hint that we don't need anything.
- spreading the request by word of mouth. We're telling a friends and family members to pass the word that we don't need anything.
- when someone asks what we need or want, we just say "for you to come to the wedding and have fun!"

Answer 4

It is not proper etiquette to request "no gifts" because then you are presuming that people would have otherwise given gifts.

The best thing you can do is to not register anywhere, and let your parents and bridal party know that you really don't need anything. They can be instructed to tell your guests that you and your fiance have told you they have everything they need, but if someone is insistent on getting you a gift, they can suggest a gift of cash because you wont' have to worry about shipping them back to your country.

Most guests will know to ask the parents of the bride and groom or the bridal party about registries, etc. In this way anyone who asks about gifts can be told about your wishes in a private and appropriate manner.

Answer 5

We were in this position as well, we did not register and some of the guests asked us what we wanted, we said we just wanted them to come and celebrate with us and enjoy the wedding. We did get a few gifts on the day (things like towels which are always useful) but if someone asked us specifically what we needed we just said the pleasure of their company.

Answer 6

I don't think it tacky at all! I think its wonderfully thoughtful. If the wedding is smaller, maybe you can just get it out by word of mouth...maybe thru each or your families. Or maybe some blurb can be added to your wedding invites. I've heard of invites that say, "Your presence is the only gift required at our wedding." Or something to that effect. Supposedly it's not proper etiquette to say no gifts because then it looks like you're dictating how your guests should act. But I'd either write your presence is the only gift needed or get it out by word of mouth. Once people realize how much it will cost to ship overseas, they'll understand. Most people wouldn't even realize it. So good luck & congrats on your marriage!

Answer 7

Thank you for being one of the (seemingly) few non-greedy couples left.

I really hope you think about having your guests donate to a charity as a gift to you. You don't have to name the charity, you could just say a charity that is close to your hearts.

My fiance and I are doing that because my mother had cancer last year and his mother passed away from cancer this year. In addition to the wonderful gift of a donation, the guests also get a tax receipt, in Canada at least.

Answer 8

You are right on it. Bluntly asking for a certain gift or asking for no gifts is not propper etiquette.

-The only way if dealing with this is to not register for anything, people will get the hint.

- Never mention any gifts or lack of gifts on the invitation. Never on paper

- Your friends and family are aware of your special circumstances, so let them spread the word. Word of mouth is the only acceptable way of relating this information to your guests.

-People will ask you what you would like, so tell them that their presence is your gift and if they choose to gift you anyway, monetary gifts are preferred due to your circumstances.

-Expect some gifts anyway, as gifting is at the discretion of the guest, so hopefully you can return it or donate it to charity.

Good luck and congratulations

PS/ Please do not do a money tree or money dance and none of those tacky and rude scams to get money out of the guests.

Answer 9

I´m an American living in Germany. We married in the US,and immediately moved with my husband overseas.

I asked that no gifts be given, but did ask each single person or family for a picture of their family to display in our home. Now, we can see them all the time, and it has taken some of the homesickness away.

Best wishes to you!

Answer 10

There really is no way of formally stating "no gifts, please" without offending people.

However, given your circumstances (shipping things to Europe) one may make an exception. It will still offend those who are sticklers for tradition but it cannot be helped.

Perhaps something like: No other gift could begin to compare to you sharing our special day with us.

Even at that - you'll still receive gifts. Be sure to send out thank you notes.