We have 2 birth children that was placed for adoption and our family knows about one but not the other child?

Question

Sorry for reposting but for some reason it stopped taking answers: How do we tell our families about the second child that we had that we have placed for adoption. We don't want it to be a secret, but the first adoption hurt them emotionally very badly. The first one is an open adoption that is story book great the second one has not been so, much it is suppose to be an open adoption but the adoptionagency that we used made bad ties, so the adoptive family has not had contact with us in over 1 1/2 years so our families will not be able to see him like they have been on the first one. How do we go about telling them with as little hurt feelings as possible since this child was born and placed 3 years ago??? please help
Part of the reason it is coming to the time to inform people is because we have a 7 year old son that we teach to not keep secrets and he also knows about the other child and loves knowing about her The child he knows about also knows about our other adopted child so

eventually it will come out and we are wanting to be proactive. Also I don't want to make that other child feel he was a dark bad secret if he ever wants contact, plus I just foundmy birth sister and I would have been more upset to not know about her than to know about her and have hope of meeting her one day. Not that I owe any of the rude comments a reason, but since you don't understand the adoption process, and thinking about a child first not yourself, adoption is not on purpose, it is in hopes of giving a better life than you can provide. Everyone of my children are from the same father. We are married. We got pregnant the first time we had sex after having my 7 year old. The doctor said She could not put me on birth control until I started my monthly the first time, I never started, but she assured me until I had it I couldn't get pregnant. My husband had just got hurt on the job and we only had one income there was no way we could take care of two babies financially.

I never thought after that it would turn in to a major sickness for my husband that he suffers from everyday, and just gets worse with time and keeps being diagnosed with more things that may end up killing him in the end. I was always on birth control after placing our first child, I took it the same time everyday. Never missing a day. When again we got pregnant 3 years later. Having to face the same difficult decision yet again. Due to my husband's health and again financial we chose what was hopefully the best for the child, so that no child had to suffer and miss out on any needs. After several studies I have done on adoptee's, It is for the best that everyone knows. I hid the pregnancy well, that is why nobody knew and in the last couple of months I wore baggier clothes and kept my distance as much as I could. I love every one of my children that will never change. I want everyone of my children to know they were loved and that we chose life not abortion.

I am sure there will be questions in the future but with the knowledge that we will give I pray they will find it in their hearts to forgive us for doing what we thought was best. Also our first born before my son, died 45 minutes in the hospital of something rare, and the same family that got upset at the adoption also got upset about us being young at 18 myself and 20 husband and wanted us to choose adoption for that one. They were not understanding that our daughter had died and now we were faced to have to bury her. Out of all three decisions that were difficult to make, having to choose to bury or cremate your child was by far the hardest. Thank you to everyone that gives me heartfelt answers that understand we did not choose adoption out of being selfish we did it out of complete love, and we miss those children everyday. With the openness of being able to see one of them play and talk and laugh and even cry which is better than not knowing at all.

I don't believe in keeping this a secret!!! Nothing about an adoption should be kept a secret because in a long run The birth child will know and so will my child I am raising at home know. A shock to the family when my birth son is an adult will be far more worse. I just had to have time to grasp telling family again. So now I was just trying to figure out how to tell family. Keeping it a secret is not the answer

Answer 1

Hi Daisey,

I'm a firm believer in honesty being the best policy & I commend you for wanting to come clean. After all, we are talking about their grandchild and someday they or the child may want to have a relationship. At the very least, they deserve to know about each other. As you mentioned, your 7 year old should be free to discuss his sibling without having to be responsible for hiding secrets. That's one of the major problems with adoption - too many secrets. Government and agencies try to hide things from adoptees. Some adoptive parents try to hide facts from their adopted children. So we need to find a kind way to let your family know.

Would it be possible for you to invite them over for dinner or lunch? Sometime during the meal you might start off with something like "Thanks for coming over, Mom, Dad. There is something we want to tell you. We know we should have told you when it happened. We're sorry we did not. However, we feel you should know now rather than not at all." Of course they will be very interested to know what it is you have to say. Then gently explain the facts to them. Be prepared for any reaction they may have.

Daisey, remember it's better late than never. All of you will feel much better once this is out in the open. I understand why you are hesitant to tell them after the first time. If they were upset then, they will probably be upset again. In time, they will learn to accept the situation.

Trust that by being open, you are doing the right thing. Do you have any support groups of first moms you can talk to about this? It would really help to have an understanding friend to lean on during this time. By the way, I think your husband could also benefit by speaking with some other first parents.

It is far better for your family to hear it from you rather than an outside source. You can do this. Good luck Daisey, and do be good to yourself. You've been through a lot.

julie j
reunited adoptee

Answer 2

I'm with Julie 100%, I think her answer pretty much sums up what I would have said.

Honesty is always best and kudos for teaching your son that! As for all the moronic, hatred spewing people out there... I know it is hard but try to ignore them. Obviously they have no clue at all what it means to loose a child, let alone two, for any reason.

*stomps on hater's heads*

Answer 3

well i would call them all together and tell them flat out. yes it may hurt sme and that is sad but heck they have never had to run into this situation and people that dont' have the problems always make comments because they dont' have a clue of whta goes on. yes, its sad and yes you mya hear flack but you are doing what is best and that is what you need to keep in mind and you are doing this for them. i mean yes they should understand but appearenlty they dont' i hope all comes out for you in the end. take care.

Answer 4

Ok people stop being nasty. I understand (didnt read it all but I get the g-ist)You just tell them and tell why you hid it from them.They are your family and will support you!

Answer 5

I would suggest you just tell them, if they were hurt the first time they will be hurt just has much if not more. You cannot spare them the pain no matter how much you may want too.

Answer 6

it is may b hard on their part but u have to tell d truth bcoz in the truth you wil set them free

Answer 7

you know what i'm not even going to bash you like all the other people on here did.Yes it wasn't a good idea to get pregnant a second time.But we all make mistakes and no one can judge you for what you did.I'm adopted myself and to me it takes a very strong women to carry a baby for 9 months having the baby grow inside of them, then to give the baby away to people who are unfortunate to have children.You made some poor decisons but i hope you have learned from them now.

Answer 8

You need to learn to keep your legs closed and stop have sex

Answer 9

blah.. blah ..blah.. I didn't even read the whole thing...you don't explain yourself well ..all i know is two kids were adopted..at different time..and for rude comments..adoption isn't what the problem is ..adoption is wonderful for those who need it the first time...But TWICE !!! i think you don't want ot tell your family bc your ashamed...and you should be..tell them get it over..make things right for once...and KEEP YUR LEGS CLOSED..since you can't use birth control, thats not the fault..you are!!

Answer 10

WHY did you even have sex KNOWING full well that you couldn't look after it.
I'm sorry but thats disgusting having sex and knowing full well that you couldn't.