I have a sister who's son wishes she were dead he is very angry and has some mental health issues. She is very hurt by his words and he has been living with his father for some time now. The best way to describe the issues is a messy divorce and what I call the Blame Game where the parents blame each other and it goes back and forth. Yet the child is stuck in the middle. I told her to keep silent about his dad reguardless how she truely feels to her son, she needs to act like the dad is father of the year per-say around him.Yet how does she deal with the fact her son wishes she were dead? Also wants nothing to do with her? They are going to therapy as well. Yet I want to help her with more advice on how to help them both before the relationship is more damaged.
2007-12-05 15:09:52 · 9 answers · asked by ? 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
both parents bad mouthed each other. Mom has raised him till recent and dad is an alcoholic. Yet I told her to act like his dad is dad of the year and keep comments under wraps but dad puts mom down daily infront of son. Also son picks up dads habits and treats mom the same as dad does.
2007-12-05 15:34:43 · update #1
Hi- Sorry about your Nephew being the victim of his Parent's divorce. The kids are the TRUE victims. I am glad to hear that Therapy is taking place. I've been through this before, my 16 year old has been traumatized by the divorce my ex & I got when she was 5. She suffers to this day. She also learned how to manipulate the both of us quite well.
Have ur sister and ex taken "Children in the Middle" classes? It is required where I live. The goal is that we NOT make the child the true victim in the ugliness that occurs between the adults (parents). Despite it all, you can lead a horse to water, but can't make him drink it. You didn't mention the age of your nephew, but, at least HE is agreeing to therapy, as are the Parents, as this is a step in the right direction. Deep down he loves them both, and may be that he feels he needs to take sides.
You are right to tell your sister NOT to bad mouth her Son's Father.....but, again, the Adults in this situation are accountable for their own actions. Otherwise, there is not much you can do for her. Do you spend time with your Nephew, just good quality time, not asking him anything about his Parents. As his Aunt, the best thing you can do is be there for HIM, by spending QUALITY, and PEACEFUL time with him. No friction, just some peace and some attention he is crying out for. Being the neutral party would be the best thing you can do for him.
If you want to give your sister more advice, I would show her these answers you've received with your question of concern. Even when kids are in a happy family setting, they can lash out and be hateful to their Parents. Being in the middle after the divorce is awful for the children. THEY ARE THE VICTIMS, and continue to be victimized by the Parent's talking about the other in a bad way. It is unfortunate that your Sister is not listening to your advice. This apparently drove your Nephew away. Sometimes, boys prefer being with their Father.
My 16 year old daughter lives much of the time with her Father and Step-Mother. She finally became such a violent handful, we all decided it was better she be in a 2 parent home. She comes to my home often, but, is easily prone to violence. She has wished me dead, wished her Dad dead, too. I've tried therapy, I work with the School Councelors, and the High School Principal. She got kicked out of school last week for 3 days due to her acting out. Now she REFUSES therapy. I took her to the Dr. this summer, and she hit me in front of the Physician, and ran out of the room, walking to her Dad's house. I am VERY SAD that my only daughter does not live with me, BUT, I have a 5 year old that will mimick her behavior.
I am sorry about this novel, but, the best thing to do for your Nephew is to spend some time with him and be a GOOD role model for him. Be the neutral party. He will respect you for this. Just let him know you love him, and that he has someone he can turn to. My Daughter has my Family Members who she turns to at times. My Daughter has also gone back and forth between us through the years. Kids are very confused when their folks don't get along, especially when the folks remain married, let alone divorce.
I hoped this helped you somewhat. This is always a difficult situation. Good luck to all and take care!
2007-12-06 00:27:38 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Parents who use their kids for revenge are pretty much pond-scum. It is a shame.
Your sister needs desperately to address this with the therapist so the therapist can get it out into the open in a private session with the kid, then with the mom and kid. The more he expresses, the better.
Most kids go through an angry period where they blame everything on their parents. His mom, not being the primary custody parent, has been at a distinct disadvantage. The kid being so influenced by an alcoholic, is also at a distinct disadvantage in that he loves his dad, but doesn't understand that his dad is not right. Hopefully he will mature and get past it all.
I would say that the alcoholic father is endangering the kid, and the mother need to take back custody.
2007-12-05 17:36:29 · answer #2 · answered by revsuzanne 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
So long as they are actively in therapy your only role should be of supportive sister and continue to remind your sister that she is doing harm by bad mouthing the boys father, the boy no matter what age knows he is blood kin to his Dad so saying bad things about Dad is the same as saying mean things to son. she will lose his respect for ever if she doesn't back off. So other than letting her vent to you, do nothing and let the therapist do there job.
2007-12-05 15:21:56 · answer #3 · answered by Judy 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Living with mental illness is very tough. My son is bi-polar and it has cause many problems in my marriage. We actually separated for about 5 months and are now back together. The family needs all the support they can get. counseling, groups, anything to help keep the family loving and living together. You as a sister and kind of an outsider should support them and leave the advise to the professionals. Be there for her to have someone to cry on their shoulder. Good luck to your family!!!
2007-12-05 15:18:28 · answer #4 · answered by tammy 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he has mental issues just reassure her that it's most likely opinions that had been reinforced by the father. In a divorce most children take a side.
I don't know what she tried with him but a simple "Why do you hate me?" in a non-threatening manner may do the trick.
2007-12-05 15:14:06 · answer #5 · answered by Kevin 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Unless she can gain custody of the little feller, I am not sure what can be done. I would like to see more children learn respect for their elders.
2007-12-06 00:35:11 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
What kid doesn't say that to their parents when they're young. He's just mad at her. Tell her to take him out for some ice cream and cake.
2007-12-05 15:14:28 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Okay. First, pray. Then, pray more, read the Bible, and go to Church. Ask a therapist to ask him exactly what's wrong. Good luck!!
2007-12-05 15:27:30 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
They caused their own problems. Let them figure out what to about it.
2007-12-05 15:12:40 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋