Is it normal that my own dad and step mum who have there own children of 8 - 9 - 18 years of age and work full time but live ten doors away from my house, do not come to see me or my children as regular as my mother in law. My mother inlaw works full time and i see her at least once a week and she makes the effort to see her gran kids.
Many times i've said to my parents we would like to see you more, they always use the excuse i'm too tired from work or you know were we live. I try to make the effort to see them once a month or every 2 weeks. Do you think I'm wasting my time with my own family, my wife saids she washes her hands with them.
2007-12-05 13:21:07 · 7 answers · asked by player.4u79 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
I really think you are wasting your time. I understand your situation from the dysfunctional family part. My family too doesn't do anything to keep in contact with me- in fact my both my parents don't even say anything on my wedding anniversary and birthdays.
I really did try to make the effort, but after a certain time- you realise that you are pulling teeth that don't want to come out. You should save yourself the stress and let them know how you feel- and that you are not going to pursue them any further. If they want to have a relationship with you and your family- then it's their turn to take the next step, not you.
2007-12-05 13:27:03 · answer #1 · answered by J V-S 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm not sure without more info, but you may be comparing apples and oranges here.
Does you mother-in-law still have children at home?
I'm not putting anyone down, please understand that. I think you mil is great in keeping in touch.
Being a mother myself, I know that having 3 kids at home can be extremely time consuming.
I've always worked and have raised 7 children. Not all of them my own. They always had to be somewhere at a certain time for something. If it wasn't sports it was band or some type of club meeting. If it wasn't that it was raising funds for one of the above.
However, I do have a suggestion, if your wife is willing to go along with it.
One of the things I always liked about my mom's house was Sunday dinners. It was a time when all the family could come together and catch up on what they've been doing. It doesn't have to be every Sunday. It could be once a month or twice a month.
Talk to your wife and your parents and see if they would be willing to start a new tradition of having a Sunday dinner together. It could be at your house or theirs. It doesn't really matter where you have it as long as family time is set aside for it.
My mom is no longer with us and my dad moved out of state when he remarried.
I do still have a brother and sister near by, but we really don't see each other very often. Since we live in a very small town, that has to be unusual. That doesn't mean we don't love each other, it just means that we are going in so many directions at once with all of our children and grandchildren that finding time to spend together really only happens during holidays.
I would love to have those days back when everyone showed up at moms house on Sunday for dinner. Even my sisters mother in law.
Big families are great for kids.
At least give it a shot. All they can do is say no.
Good luck
2007-12-05 14:02:42 · answer #2 · answered by gail s 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't stop making an effort , at least you can always say 'I tried'! When you stop making that effort is when it becomes 'what you have done' & you'll always blame yourself - I know this - I promise you. As long as you make the effort to take your kids to see your 'lazy' family you cannot be at fault in your mind or anyone elses!
P.S. You're dad & stepmum have got their hands full also. Maybe they are getting a hard time from the children & working full time. Do you ever offer to help out? Your wife acting naturally - I don't know how to deal with my hubbies family but neither does he - I would like to say THATS IT! but deep down I know that cannot be right. Tell your wife it means a lot to you & you cannot give up (unless you want to?)
2007-12-05 13:34:27 · answer #3 · answered by spice2504 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your right! Your wasting too much of your time worrying about your parents involvement in your family life.
It would be wonderful, since they live so close, for them to spend more time involved in your children's life but it's not a perfect world, by not fault of your own.
It really is their choice.
My parents were divorced about the same time of the birth of my son. There were so many fights as to when each of them could visit MY home while making sure the "other one" wasn't there at the same time. At first I had two separate birthday parties for my son. One which my mother could attend and one for my father to attend.
That gets old quick. Nowadays I have one birthday party which they are both invited to. So the choice is on them. They can put aside their difference for the sake of their grandchild and attend the party or miss out altogether.
They now both attend the parties without any fireworks.
I realized this is my family and my child not theirs and I make the rules now.
You should do the same. Invite them over for special occasion or just for a visit. Whatever the excuse they will either make it over nor not.
They are the ones missing out.
Your right where you need to be and your focus is right where you need it to be. Be there for your children and teach them that you'll always be there for them...now and in the future...
Good luck and stay strong.
2007-12-05 14:14:07 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have family members who never go to visit anyone. They expect everyone to flock to their house. Hubby and I decided to quit visiting. It's not fair when it seems so one sided. If I get the"Well you know where we live" I just say, "Yes and the road between goes both ways!" It sounds more like they're the tired ones.
It's up to you if you choose to be the one doing all of the work trying to keep things going. As far as what you're wife is feeling, I can understand that. Try to be understanding and not hold it against her. We tend to be hurt more when someone doesn't treat our spouse well then if we were the ones actually being mistreated. My in-law issues are more about how they treat my hubby and kids then anything they've done to me personally.
You can't make someone want to spend time with you or want to be a part of your life. You may have no choice then to be the one to always go to his house if you want a relationship with him. Does he treat you well when you're there or act as if he couldn't care less? If he doesn't even seem to enjoy your visits I'd have a hard time even visiting.
2007-12-05 13:30:22 · answer #5 · answered by MISS H 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family. Its hard to deal with family who put off nurturing family relations for another day because they'll end up waking up one day and it's too late. If you have the time, maybe you can walk around the block and pass by their home on weekends with your kids (not staying long) and just say hello. Make a habit of it for your kids' sake and not theirs. Your MIL is also great if she does that.
2007-12-05 13:31:08 · answer #6 · answered by Equinox 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
washes her hands with them or of them?
Either way, some people are just more touchy feely and people oriented than others. That doesn't mean they love more or less, it's just how they are wired. Maybe your parents are trying to give you room to raise your kids your way because they don't want to be pushy and overbearing? Maybe they think you know they love you so they don't have to prove it by living on your doorstep?
2007-12-05 13:45:59 · answer #7 · answered by Truth 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋