How do I get my gf to realize that she shouldn't be nice to her ex, who tried to rape her??

Question

My gf was with her ex for 4 1/2 mnths.He was her 1st bf.She hadnt done anything sexual.The 1st night they hung out,he asked if shed kissed a guy n he aggressively kissed her.He knew she was a virgin n he said he wouldnt make her have sex,but he'd sometimes get aggressive sexually & she would cry after.He'd act guilty n say 'sorry it won't happen again' but it would. She didn't like him but everytime she tried to end it hed convince her not to.One night he came over n was trying to convince her. She said 'idk about this' n told him to stop. After more convincing he put on a 2nd condom n tried again but she pulled it off. Then he got mad n tried again w/2 more condoms almost going in her.All along she was saying stop,hitting his back,n digging her nails in him.He left a few min after.She broke up w/him n he knew y but he denied he did anything.She talked to him normally after that. Is this normal? She shouldnt talk to a guy who did this to her even if he was her bf. He tried to rape her.

I didnt have enough room to say all that i wanted,but its somethin we've argued about over n over.She doesn't get it.I kept quiet n let her study with him sometimes,cuz I didnt wanna seem jealous,but it's not normal.He tried to rape her.Y does she need to talk to him?He never even acknowledged what he did.And its sort of like shes letting him get away with it.I kno its hard for her to just stop now,since shes been talkin to him all along,but it doesnt matter.He needs to kno he did something wrong.I told her she shouldnt talk to him, n she still did a few more times,then stopped.Then she saw him since school started again,so i told her its fine if she sees him on the street i guess.God wants us to forgive ppl.But she shouldnt be friendly,just hi n bye (even tho i wish shed just ignore him). We argue about it over n over,for the past 5 months,but I love her n want her to realize she shouldnt talk to him,whether we're together or friends. It seems like i get thru at times, but i never do.

I kno she doesnt wanna be with him.Thats y she broke up w/him.But she gets mad at me when i tell her she shouldnt be close to him (even tho i wish shed just ignore him). She says she doesnt understand y its a problem if she just talks to him, n she says i should trust her.Its not about trust! Its about her being dumb by talking to him.I asked her what advice sed give a friend about this, n she knows its what im saying to her too, but when she sees him, she doesnt want it to be awkward.
Next sem. shes taking a class that he might be in. I said id go n sit by her, so he wont be tempted to come talk, to make it easier on her to ignore him, n she got mad at me n said im stupid, that i shouldnt go. Then she said 'whats the big deal if we talk about the class.' she doesnt get it, its not about jealousy, its about him trying to rape her. Plz, tell me how to get thru to her. Im the only person who knows all the bad things about him n what he did to her, she doesnt wanna tell any1 else.

I kno she doesnt wanna be with him. But what does she need from him? Yea she was with him for 4 months. Okay.....??? who cares, look what he did. She said he was different once they broke up, but it doesnt erase what he did. My friend told me that if she really cared about me enuff n she knew it bothered me then she shouldnt talk to him. She doesnt need anything from him, n its not like they talk often. She tells me when she sees him, n she tries to ignore him sometimes. I believe her too. But i dont get y she doesnt understand that she shouldnt talk to him. We broke up a few times n each time we got back together within 24 hrs. She doesnt wanna lose me, but she cant respect herself or me (but mainly herself) n not talk to him. To me, id be able to live with hi n bye n the conversation should never be more than a minute, but more than that, i wouldnt wanna put up with anymore.

just to add, we started dating 2 or 3 weeks after she ended it with him, so i should have waited a bit longer... but we've been together over 9 months now, n she should be over him by now

To respond to 1 of the comments:she hasnt 'come to terms n let it go' she told me about the situation a month n a half after it happened,she said she tried to repress everything n 4get about it, cuz she was so shocked,n anytime itd come up,she wouldnt wanna talk about it,n i didnt pressure her to,but finally she let it out slowly,n she says 'yea now that i think about it,i remember how bad he was all along n i realize i shouldnt talk to him'. Not just this incident but even when she was with him n we started becoming friends,she told me how much she hated him,which made me wonder y she would talk to him after that,she said he was bad to her.he would talk about other girls in front of her,which ruined her self-esteem (another problem she deals with a lot now) even tho shes a good-looking girl (ppl would agree). At 1st she was scared to ignore him b-cuz he would get mad/cuss,but now she doesnt want it 2 be weird, so basically she wants to 4get it all n pretend like shes fine,tho shes not

Answer 1

Ok, you need to step back and read your title.

"How do I get my girlfriend to realize that she shouldn't be nice to rapists?"

I will echo what practically everyone else has said. Dump her. Seriously. Don't be a hero, you're only going to lose this one.

Answer 2

She has come to terms with what happened with him. You however have not. She is most likely chalking it up to a nasty learning experience, and is most likely thankful it didnt go any further. The fact that she can be with you now after such a bad experience testifies to your character. She must feel safe with you even in the presence of this other man. You need to " let it go" and worry only if she starts to have problems with the way things are. If that happens she may need to have some counseling to sort things through but she seems to be a strong woman and she could be just fine.
Instead of the attempted rape traumatizing her it has traumatized you- its over-she chooses to let it go and you need to also.

Answer 3

Remember that going thru a breakup is a HUGE thing all in itself, so if you add those things, I know for a fact that she just needs time to move on. All you can do is be respectful & supportive, which will just remind and reassure her that she is trying to move FORWARD in life, and soon she will be able to let it go.
She probably doesn't know how else to deal with this, and doesn't want it to get "awkward," not knowing that it will stay awkward as long as she doesn't do something about it. Maybe she doesn't want him to start being abusive in other ways(verbally), and so she doesn't want to just ignore him. She, very likely, just wants to put this waaay in the past, but she needs to first have some closure, and it's something she will have to deal with personally since she was in that situation with nobody else but herself.

Answer 4

I would run like the wind!!! This doesn't make sense and you tell the story of what happened as if you were there. Don't get me the wrong way but if this sounded normal to you, you wouldn't post this. You can not be 100% sure you have the whole story and even if you do, you really think it is best for you to stay in a situation like this?! Good luck.

Answer 5

At this point, it's just her word against his. Going to the police is rather pointless. IF this even got to trial, she has no evidence to present.

Girls can be a bit... what's a nice word for dense? "Optimistic" when it comes to guys. They want to assume that men who they let themselves care about are "basically" good guys, deep down. It's hard to admit that the guy's a toad. Men seem to be able to see this easily.

But, I guess it works both ways. I know guys that are clueless when it comes to a girl's true nature, as long as she's pretty. Girls can see it plainly.

If I were you, I'd have a talk with this guy. Tell him he blew it and if he comes around your girlfriend again, you'll kick his @ss.

Answer 6

She might just be clinging on to whatever good times they had, and he's probably saying 'Only you can help me' and 'I'll never do this again'. You cant really do anything; after all, she doesnt want another controlling man in her life.
I suggest you just tell her that she shouldnt talk to him, then change the subject / do something nice for her.

Answer 7

One, you're unemployed and homeless, how precisely did you "take those young infants in"? 2, you admitted to hooking up together with her to have a place to stay and then your thoughts have been toyed with while this dude kissed her? it is so a techniques as I have been given on your ridiculously long-term-on sentence complete of spelling blunders.

Answer 8

it maybe is too much for her to deal with right now. let her have some time and when she is ready to talk about it then .... LISTEN and be respectful of what she has to say.
even if you think she should go about things a different way, it is her life and she has to deal with the consequences of what decisions she makes, everyday.
give her a break, tell her you dont like it when they talk, it makes you feel insecure etc and that you dont want to be with her if she doesnt respect that you have to make decisions together. tell her, if you hang out with your ex (wtf wtf) then you dont want to be around her or hear her ***** about him. it sounds like she isnt over him and wants to be with him but youre the stand-in guy.

Answer 9

That's assault.
Call the police &&report him
even if she still wants to be with him what he did was wrong.
What if he decides to do this to someone else?!?

Answer 10

no it isn't normal, and she should contact the police. He's dangerous to be around, and could eventually succeed