What should I do?

Question

My mother and father have divorced a few months ago and their divorce is now final. My dad reimburses me for anything I pay for that is wanted or needed for the wedding. My mother is being bitter and knows that my dad has money to pay for a reasonable wedding even though she just got a huge settlement of money in the divorce. I feel like she is trying to stick my dad with paying for the entire wedding or the bulk of it ..instead of helping! She has told me she will only pay for 3000 of it even though she has a lot of money as well! She is insisting that we have this huge sit down dinner ( We are having about 400 guests!) but I am not willing to ask my dad to shell out that kind of money just on food alone! I just don't know what to do anymore.. she wants all the extravagant things and is trying to have my dad pay for it all without saying that! What do I do?

Answer 1

First, be gratefully your parents are giving anything at all! Even though it's tradition for the brides parents to pay for the wedding, it's not law. You should thank them for whatever they give you.
Second, determine what kind of wedding you and your fiance want and come up with a budget. Now if you also want a sit down dinner, then you need to pay for it. Your an adult, your about to get married, and it's not your parents responsibility to give you everything you want for your wedding day. If they want to, that's fine; if not, that fine too. Again, them paying for your wedding is not law.
However if you come up with a plan for your wedding that doesn't include a sit down meal, then tell your mom that this is a. not what you want, and b. not in the budget. If your mom feels that your father should pay more to cover what SHE wants, then SHE can take it up with him. If it's not what you want, then don't even go there with your dad because you will only become your mothers pawn!

Answer 2

Stand up to her now and let her know you're tough or every family holiday will be hell.

"I will not let you use my wedding as a weapon to get back at Dad for all the hurt of your divorce. I can not afford a wedding to host 400 people, not without your help. I am fine paying for a wedding for 100 people but one guest over that number then YOU ask Dad for the money because I will not be manipulated in that way. I do appreciate your help and ideas in planning this wedding but I rather have my and blessed union based soley on the love between me and my fiance than a large, extravagant wedding laced with the bitter hate between you and dad"

Answer 3

This is your wedding, do exactly what you want. First if you don't want a huge sit down dinner with 400 guests then don't have it, but if she is insisting then tell her to put up some more money. Your father is probably well aware of your mother's tactics and is most likely not surprised.

Right now it's about you and your fiance. Decide what you would like and sit down with your mother and tell her, this is what we are doing. Truthfully no one has to help you with your wedding expenses, they do because they want to. It's obvious that your dad wants to make you happy and he'll decide exactly what he is willing to pay for, but don't do what you don't want to do. It's your day.

Congratulations and good luck.

Answer 4

Your Mother is bitter . . and this is just another way of stabbing your Father in the back. Your Mother has several knives, all with your Father's name on them, and she will be bringing them out one by one. Unfortunately, for you and your fiance', this is just the beginning!

The reason your Mother is insisting on having a HUGE dinner (the reception and all the wedding hoopla) is called "keeping up with the Jones" . . and I am sure you are familiar with the phrase. And sooner or later, she is going to take credit for the wedding and/or reception (whether she helps pay for it or not), and that's called "bragging rights."

My suggestion to you is . . create the guest list that YOU and the Groom are comfortable with, even if that means cutting the list back substantially. And then present that guest list and your wedding desires (photographer, band, wedding gown, florist, videographer, etc) to your Father first. Find out what your Father is comfortable with financially, and agrees to, and then go from there. It sounds like your Father is going to be much easier to deal with, and that's where you need to start.

Answered by: A Certified wedding specialist / A Professional bridal consultant / A Wedding ceremony officiant

Answer 5

Explain to your mom how you feel. My personal opinion is that if she wants you to have something more extravagant than you want or can afford, she should help pay for it. Otherwise, she should just enjoy the event that you're planning.

It's nice for parents to contribute to the wedding expenses, but they tend to take over the planning. We're paying for everything ourselves, so no one is telling us how to do things.

I agree with the person who said you need to explain to your mom that you have no intentions of being used as a way to manipulate your Dad. Encourage your mom to get some counselling.

Best of luck.

Answer 6

My parents are divorced too, so I know all about trying to keep both parties happy. What your mum is suggesting is impossible. She can't demand things of you if she's not prepared to pay something towards it. We only have a budget of £1000 (approx $1,600) so we are putting on a BBQ for 100, and holding the reception at my dad's house.

Answer 7

You have what you want. Talk to your mum and tell her it is your day, that you would like to help you out. I can understand that your Mum is upset, it is your day ask her to put her bitterness away for the day, as you want to have a re-memorable day the you don't want to have the memory of your mum paying your dad out, or getting even. Maybe involve your mum a little more in the wedding. so it takes her mind off her own problems.Congratulations to you both. I hope you have a wonderful day

Answer 8

lol well i dont understand why she thinks she has the right to tell you that she wants this huge extravagant wedding... ESPECIALLY when she isnt paying for it??? trust me, i know how much money will have to be shelled out.. we are inviting 475 people and the total is coming to about $200,000.. it is your wedding anyway.. so if you dont want it to be huge.. then dont have it huge, silly! just dont even talk to her about it! me and my mom are very very close but i am totally planning it myself and no one knows what i am doing.. and everyone, including my mom understands cuz she knows i want everything to be a surprise! and she is EXTREMELY controlling with EVERYTHING else!!

Answer 9

You need to sit down and let your mom know how you feel. You need to be able to explain to her exactly what you have posted here. Let her know it's important she understands that you care for both of them and that you would not allow him to do that to her if that was the case. Just let her know you don't feel right and that this is really stressing you out because they are both so important to you. Good luck with everything and i hope your mother understands.

Answer 10

The future husband is supposed to pay for the wedding, not the parents.

Get a job and pay for it yourself.