our child, his child, how to make him understand the difference?

Question

i have a one year old child with my fiance named grace. my fiance has a four year old daughter from his first marriage, cheradyn. i have been in a relationship with him for 3.5 years... okay well i want him to understand that i want grace to get to do things by herself, as if she was our only child because she is my only child. his mother is very controlling and always pushing the step child in my face and getting her more things becasue she is the "special grandchild" that only comes every other weekend. last christmas she spent 400 dollars on the step child and 50 on grace. i just want to do things like take pictures by herself, and go to the beach just the three of us. we get the step daughter every other weekend, and he only wants to do things when she is there. other times he says well what about cheradyn? well now that christmas time has rolled around he wants all the christmas pictures to be of cheradyna & grace. even to my family that doesn't even know her. what to do????

Answer 1

You need to grow up and start acting like an adult. Anyone who treats a little child the way you are should be horse whipped. When you marry his child is part of the package and is just as much of a member as your child. If you do not wise up this is going to come back to haunt you.

Answer 2

Ok well I am going to tell you what has happened to me - I was and I still am in the same situation - first thing is that if you are engaged to marry this man, then your family needs to meet his daughter - second - you are going to be this little girls stepmom -
My boyfriend and I have a son together and I have 2 other children from a previous marriage and he has a daughter from a previous marriage
When I would take my 3 kids for pictures I included his daughter a few times - and I mailed the pictures out to both family and friends - some of my friends questioned who the little girls was - so I had to explain - please do not make this child feel unwelcome - I know it's hard and there is some jealousy - but it will all come together - my kids wanted to do things when she wasnt around and my boyfreind would ask that we wait until the next week until his daughter was there so that we could all do it together - As for the grandparents spoiling the 1st Grandchild, well my babys Grandparents don't even send him a birthday card on his birthday - you just have to be the better person - I know it hurts - but time will tell that your husband to be only wants the best for both his girls, including you.

Answer 3

Blended families....very tough. But, I'd have to say I think you're looking at this unfairly. If you're planning to marry this man, you will be this child's step-mother. I know she has a mother but you should be trying to be just as good a mother to her as you are to your own.

They will be sisters. If she's only there for such a short period of time, there must be plenty of time that the three of you are hanging out. But, when you're all together, she shouldn't ever get the vibe that she's second best. But, neither should Grace. They should both feel just as important to both of you and they should be taught to love and respect each other too.

I do understand this is difficult, but it should be the goal. If the mother to his child doesn't act appropriately, it shouldn't be taken out on the child. You need to be the bigger person and show all of them what appropriate is - as hard as it is.

Look at it this way. If something happened between the two of you and Grace became the other child to him and he didn't want to include her as a true part of his family because he was with yet a third woman and she too had a baby, how would you feel and would that be fair to Grace?

Good luck

Answer 4

Wow, what a situation. On one hand, I really admire him for trying to really keep his child in the loop and part of a family. He is really making an effort here and so many don't. Applaud that and let him know how great that really is.

I can see his point of view. Cheradyn is his child just as much as your child is his. If the situation was reversed, wouldn't you want your child's step father to treat your child the same as a child you had together? I would. In fact, I'd insist.

It just sounds like you guys are way over due to sit down and have a good conversation about this blended family and for both of you to compromise. I think it is important that you still do family things, go out etc.., even when Cheradyn isn't there. I can assure you that she and her family, still have a life and do things.

As far as pictures, as a mother of 3, I can tell you that each child, step child or not, is an individual. Each of them should have individual pictures, parties, activities etc.., If you want to get one together, that's fine too.

Good Luck!

Answer 5

Wow....I sit here trying to formulate in my mind how to get through to you JUST how selfish you are. Your husband's oldest daughter should be just as much a part of your family as his younger. They are BOTH his kids. Of course he wants both of his kids in the family Christmas photo..why wouldn't he? Is YOUR child more his daughter than Cheradyn? And why on earth after 3.5 years has your family not met Cheradyn? It really seems as if you do not consider her part of your family. Luckily she's fairly young now, but if you don't change your attitude she is going to start seeing the inequality and it will really affect her. And I swear, how many times can you call her "the step-child"?? Do you have any idea how cold and alienating that sounds?

That being said, your fiance's mom should treat the kids the same and your fiance needs to put his foot down about that. You do need to sit down with your fiance and have a heart to heart. You guys shouldn't just be sitting around "waiting" for Cheralyn to visit but at the same time she NEEDS to be involved in big family stuff. Your daughter is her sister. Birthdays, family celebrations, vacations (if your fiance has her more in the summer) should include both kids, not just your daughter. This is the life in a blended family, sweetie.

Answer 6

I can see both your point of view and his, which makes it hard for me to answer your question! For some reason, I think it would be different if Cheradyn was living with you guys all the time, or even most of the time. Because she is only there every other weekend, you should not be expected to "suspend" your lives during the times she is not there. For most of the time, you will be a family of three (you, your fiance and Grace) and he needs to understand this. And you need to understand that when Cheradyn is there (rare though it may be) she needs to be included in everything. But, again, most of the time she will not be there and your fiance needs to learn that he can do family stuff with just you and Grace and it will not be "betraying" Cheradyn. If she's not (pyshically) there, she's not there. That said, for special things like birthdays and holidays, I think it would be "fair" to wait for Cheradyn so that she can be included, too, when she visits (because, really, every other weekend is a visit....it's a stretch to say she lives with you).

Answer 7

How very, very sad, I feel for this child. She has a father but she is not included as part of his new family, because her step-mother doesn't WANT to include her.

What harm would it do to you, to include this little girl in pictures with her Dad. Of course he tells you "what about Cheradyna" he loves his first daughter as much as he loves his second daughter. Why would you want him to not include her in his life, fully, and since he only gets her every other weekend. This little girl has not done asked for her mum and dad to be divorced, she had nothing to say about it. Please, be more compassionate and understanding of your husband. Sadly. this is going to create a lot of trouble in the future between you and your husband, when it could be a good experience for all of you.

As for the grandmother spending more on the first child, that is the grandmother's problem, and not this 2nd little girls problem. How much a present costs does not make any difference to children themselves, unless they hear negative remarks from someone regarding the difference in the price of the presents.

This is not your husbands "only child" so please, be kind and compassionate and understanding and your life will be so much better and happier.

If you love this man and want to marry him eventually, I would seriously sit down and contemplate how you are handling this situation. Otherwise you might find that he comes to the conclusion that this is a situation he cannot handle, and step out of the engatement.

Answer 8

Well you are kinda in the same boat my mom was my step sisters always said that MY grandmother and we were always missed treated.So when there grandma would do something for them and not us my mom would take us and go shopping. And when we get home there grandmother always said what about the other two. And that is when my mom had to confront her about her mistreating us and having favortism for her two grandchildren and not the other 5 step grandchildren.So maybe try sitting down and talking to her and see why she has a favortism when Cheradyn and just tell her or maybe remind her that grace is hers too.

Answer 9

I am sorry but both you and his mother are wrong.

His mother is wrong as she should treat both children equally. They both are her grandchildren no matter that they are from different mothers.

You are wrong for several reasons. First when you married him you married a package i.e. him and his child so you have equal responsiblities to raise both children.
Further, you are sending a bad message to his daughter by isolating her. She gets the message that her dady and her step-mom do not love her. I dont think it is a good idea.
Personally, I dont see a problem with sending pictures to your family that have both children. I think both children are in a way their grand children as they are the children of your family.

Good Luck.

Answer 10

I can't believe you can't understand why he wants his child in the "Family" Christmas picture. She is his family!!!! Trust me, I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of step-moms like you. How do you think it would make his daughter feel to see family pics w/out her in them? I can tell you first hand that it HURTS!!! You really need to try to sort this out b/c he will eventually see that you are trying to alienate his child.