Is it possible to have someone adopt your child?

Question

I am looking for both the answer to this question, and help with the process if possible. We have a 15 year old daughter who basically needs to move out of our home. From what I understand, she would not qualify for Emancipation as I don't believe a judge would grant it. If we can't find a positive way for her to leave home *AND* not be stuck with both parental/legal responsibility for her, we are concerned she may eventually become "a ward of the court" and/or get pulled "into the system". She has already had a few brief run ins with "police" (for running away) and due some some "unhealthy" actions she was taking on herself, ended up in a "crisis mental health clinic" for a few days. She has always been a challening person, so this is NOT a simple case of a "troubled teen" or "teenage issues". She wont accept counseling(psychiatric) and you can't FORCE a minor in California to do so unless we declare her a danger. If we do the we (and herself) lose control over the situation.

(1) In declaring her a danger to herself or others, she goes into the system and you/she have no control over the situation until the court/system decides to give control back. We have been investigating this and have heard more "bad" our comes than good. (2) She basically has made friends with a family, who thinks they can take care of her and because she believes life will be better there, she wants to go there (she "ran away" there a couple times before). (3) We are not bad parents, we have had lots of outside help with her and she has simply made up her mind, and made very clear, how she wants to act/live/treat others. (4) "bad kids don't just happen" is a nice saying, it's as wonderful as saying "it's easier said than done" and then walking away from a problem. (5) We can't just let her "run away" as we would be held liable for all kinds of reasons, that's why we are looking for help to let her safely/legally make her own way.

To the current and future negative coments on us as parents: It is not possible in this forum to lay out the years of problems and corrections and parenting we have been through. We did not arrive at this point lightly. The professionals we have worked with this far are very understanding of the situation and it is a very complicated sceneario. We have any friends and family members who have been supportive over the years and have contributed directly and indirectly with/to her and have come away just as shocked and distressed as we have. If you can only come up with negative unprodutive comments about us as parents, then please don't contribute as it doesn't help anyone involved. To those that are contributing constructively, we thank you.

Concerned, Thank you so much for your input, you have been to say the least reasonable and thoughtful in your response. We have thought about this and considered many options before the point we are at now, believe me. Thank you for not judging us and all we can say is that we know, due to the input of our friends, family, and professionals, we are not bad parents. In regards to the "mental illness", the situation is similar to the 2nd set you described, and she is on what is considered to be a low dose of Zoloft. We are not abandoning her because of that, we are not abandoning her at all, but she can stay and self destruct and take everyone with her, or we can give her another direction to go in which she COULD possibly be more positive in her life. Ultimately what we would like to see happen is, she leaves, TRULY realizes life isn't the way she wants it to be, and we can have a relationship againn with better understanding of "how things work".

Heather N, Thank you for your input and that is awesome that you were able to provide for the girl you are speaking of. We are not talking about "typical teenage problems" alone, we are talking about them multiplied by a 1000 every minute of the day. Yes we have problems with her doing her chores, speaking reasonably with her mother, or teachers, or others of authority like any parent does, but that is not how we got here not what we are dealing with. She will not do anything she doesn't want to do and essentially if it isn't "fun" she isn't doing it. She believes the world of MTV is real, and that life is easy, and she can walk out onto the street, have tons of money, not need to work, buy/have or have given to her anything she wants or needs. She is extremely intelligent, but she wont use it in school because she doesn't have to and you can't make her. She doesn't care about her future/college because she doesn't need it, etc.. This isn't an occasional problem, it's always.

Kiss of an angel, this is what we are looking to do for her benefit but we are having difficulty finding someone who can perform such services and the fact that you create such documents doesn't mean they are legal. Any action such as this would have to be approved in Family Court (LAW) and from what we are seeing/hearing now is if we approach family court incorrectly they court could just step in and take guardianship and then the snow ball rolling which we would like to prevent if at all possible. Again, as in my initial request I am looking for someone to assist with that matter if at all possible.

littleJaina, thank you so much for your response and we feel for you as well. it seems the mental illness with your brother played a larger role than with our daughter but everything else you said was spot on. it has been extremely frustrating and we have exhausted every resource and we have taxed our friends and family as much as they would allow/offer but we always felt bad for what they went through after their attempts to help. We were directed into (2) solutions to this problem A) Emancipation (which she won't qualify for under my current understanding) B)Adoption. So far we haven't found a way to simply transfer guardianship/legal responsibility without being held accountable in some way or another. If we are going to be in "trouble" for allowing her to have her way, and we can't convince her otherwise, then we will have no choice but to continue the direction we have been in for 10 years, complete misery and everyone loses...

To make something clear here, we are not asking her to move out, she wants to move out, with the family of one of her friends. She wants this, or she is going to make our lives even more miserable than she already has, without making an emphasis on it. We have been pleading with her for a few months now and we haven't made any headway. She knows we don't wan't her to fall into the system, so we won't call the cops (this time) so she is taking advantage of that. If she goes with that family, without our consent, she knows they can get in trouble, but she knows that we don't want to ge them into trouble, so she is taking advantage of that. As it has been stated before, we can lock her down/in, without getting into trouble ourselves, and we can't literally let her do/give what she wants.

Isabel (and other negative complainers), sorry that you are unable to imagine that we are not bad parents and are simply giving up. She is unhappy because we can not cooperate with her choice of direction for her life. If there are any "good parents" or "good young people reading/contributing to this, then please just consider this. Anything you might expect you would ask of your child, and want for your child, being thrown back in your face, EVERYTIME, EVERYDAY, FOR THE LAST 10 years regardless of the what, why, or where you are or who else is around then that is what we have been dealing with. What she would say in return is that she can't have or do anything. Which from her point of view may be accurate, the point here is that it's from "her point of view". It's just not true because we are not allowing her to have/do whatever she wants.

Sandra M22, and continued negative attackers.. wow that was very thoughtful and thanks so much for sharing I am glad that you took the time to negatively contribute with useless points. You're glad you are not my/our daughter? You have no idea what your talking about whatsoever but I am glad for you that you are able to comment with such certainty about something you know nothing about. For the record, as of a few years ago, she was already looking for a home to put us in when we are older so we aren't too worried about that problem. As far as what goes around coming around, I can only hope that someone/anyone gives us a 1% of what we have tried to do for her, our 3 year old, and our close friends and family. Thanks again for contributing you're the best.

Sunny and others looking for more of the story and biological status. Of course there is more to the story, how much do you think can be put out here in the space thus far? You can go ahead and send me the $100.00 as no, she is not the pawn of a bad marriage, drug addict, or adopted herself. I will go ahead and state for the record, I am not her biological father, but I have cared for her since she was 7 and I significantly and positively impacted her life. She was able to move from an apartment, in a huge complex, into a home after 1 year of my dating her mother (we bought a home together) and we were married 1 year later, and yes that was about 8 years ago. I got her into a much better school where she was able to use her intelligence and talent and she was pretty happy at that point. I saw the challenge with her in the first few weeks of dating her mother, and though hard about our relationship. After a few months she asked me to help with the parenting.

About group/family/individual therapy... Our daugher was required to go to therapy a few different times over the years. In each case we were also required to do so, and in each case it started out and ended up the same way. She gets sent to therapy because of her behavior at school, which of course they assume is due to the home situation. We show up together and get seen apart from one another so they can get a feel for what is going on. We get cleared right away away after discussing our family values, culture, parenting methods, etc..etc.. Then they focus on her and she is pretty honest about everything. At the end of it all, the therapists wish us the best luck, they realize we have a "strong willed and challenging young person". At first it was just being stubborn, now she is labeled as "very angry", depressed, and borderline BiPolar. The various therapists have agreed with our approach and thinking, as have our friends, family, and church members. How bad can we be?

Collen C, the family where she wants to go believes they understand her and as they have had several children, they can take care of her. We wouldn't be considering this if we didn't believe she would have a home environment to be in of some sort, otherwise we'd just let her go into the system....

Noodles, Thanks for the supportive response. As I've stated before it is easy to assume we are bad parents looking for the easy way out and since we are on the net, and anyone can get here, I knew there would be these kinds of responses.

There is nothing you or I can do about that and yes of course I ignore them completely as they have no idea what they are talking about and most likely are just looking to spread misery around.

We do have a very difficult problem, we are devestated that it has come to this, and everyday we are looking for a better solution and real help.

Many of the resources and types of resources you listed are known to me and have been explored.

Again, thanks for support and assuming in a positive direction vs. a negative direction about our situation.

If the problem was more "mental illness" related it would be more clear the direction to head in but this is not the case.

Thanks again!

Some general additional info here, I have asked this question in 3 different areas in order to get a broader range of input (aside from the negative B.S. / Attacks on us) and the reason for this as we have several different "issues & concerns" from various angles.

There are legal concerns in several directions, us, her, and the family which wants to do this.

There are adoption concerns as to if you can, or not and if so how do you go about it.

Then there is the fact that she has had MentalHealth issues/crisis, and is currently taking Zoloft.

Each one of these is a serious concern and has special needs.

There has been a slight decrease in the negative attacks on us, and more support for the scenario, and that is greatly appreciated.

Thanks again for all positive/helpfull contributions to this situation.

Yuck, why bother with your message? What good did you think came of that? If you think I/we simply wanted this, we could have very easily put her into "the system" and that would be the end of it.

It's amazing how 'common sense' seems to just fall out of peoples skulls when they go on-line.

Do you think I needed to post this out here on the net if I plain and simply wanted her out?

The truth of the matter is she has already left the house and it's been over a week, and we are just devestated as to what to do, that is why I am here.

If we pull her back, she will most likely slip back into a state of crisis, and all that comes with that.

This is the 3rd time she has left home, and all of our friends and families, including her friends and their families have all tried to talk some sense into her but she literrally denies reality and believes everyone is against her, and we put everyone "up to it".

Now we're trying to see how long we can wait to see what could happen

Answer 1

I'm very curious...is she you and you wife's biological child? Not knowing more information would be diagnosing the SYMPTOMS not the problem.

A hundred bucks says this is an adopted kid, pawn in a bad divorce OR kid of an addict.

This crap just doesn't happen to bio kids of married people who are emotionally healthy.

You're leaving out a BIG chunk of the story, sir.

ETA: No wonder you want to get rid of her. Romance with mommy was more important. When will people see that 'things' i.e. better school, aprartment complex, do not make a better life. I bet this girl would have been better off with her mother, and no marraige to you. I wish her mother had moved in with her parents instead.

You failed her.

Answer 2

Wow.... I feel for your situation. If you really TRULY have exausted all parenting options open to you, then maybe you should consult a lawyer about transfering custody of your daughter to this other family. I'm not sure I would use the word "adopt".

It is almost impossible to believe that any parent can have done everything in their power, and still have an "impossible" child. I think it is something that you just can't believe until you've seen it with your own eyes. It's unsettling to believe that any infant is not born "perfect".

I know what you are probably going through. I have a little brother who is mentally handicapped and also psychologically unstable. As a teenager this was even worse (due to all the teenage hormones). When he turned 18, my parents sent him to live in a group home (a house for mentally challenged adults) because they could no longer cope with him being at home, and felt like he was a danger to my other younger brothers who still lived at home. People who were not privy to the daily situation we'd been going through for years often seemed to think my parents were horrible people.... like they were shutting away my brother because they just didn't want to be bothered with him. This was not the case AT ALL. In fact, when my brother was a toddler, a neurologist had actually told my parens that he'd be surprised if my brother wasn't institutionalized before he was 12. My parents worked hard raising him to make sure this didn't happen, and a group home is NOT an institution. Still, people just didn't understand.

It is illegal to handcuff your child. So then, what do you do when they won't stop trying to hit others, or even pull a knife? Do you call the cops on your own child? If you finally do, do you realize it isn't as simple as having the cops come and subdue the child, and then dropping charges? Oh no, once the cops come, there are all sorts of nice legal messes.

It is illegal to lock your child in a room. So what do you do if your child will NOT stay at home? What do you do if your child is constantly running away? Again, you're back to calling the cops....

I can understand how difficult a situation you are in. I think you may need to give serious consideration to allowing your child to be comitted. State run institutions and social services are.... not very good. I know that. However, letting your daughter run herself into the gutter won't help either.

It sounds like your daughter things she has a better solution though. I don't think at least trying this new family out is a bad idea. It will probably cost you a little bit of money (I'd say probably between $1000 to $2000, but I'm not sure about california legal and court fees) but if it can help your daughter it is probably worth it. Contact a lawyer and explain that you want to give another couple custody of your daughter. This really isn't as strange a situation as you think. People in Texas do it all the time to get their kids into school districts they otherwise couldn't afford (yes, it's sick, but they DO do it). It's not "adoption" exactly... they don't change her birth certificate. You're still her parents, but you will no longer be her legal guardians.

Good luck, I do feel for you!

Answer 3

Well you can talk with that couple and sign over custody if all are in agreement with the situation without having to do an adoption. I hope this helps.

My best friends parents got custody of me at age 15. I wanted to move with them and it was OK with my parents so we all just went down to the courthouse, they signed some papers and the judge asked me if it was what I wanted which it was and he signed off on it. We never had it changed even though we all moved back about 8 mths later. This was in TN so it may be diff. where you are at, but mostly there weren't any headaches to get it done.

Answer 4

This is a very difficult situation for a parent to deal with. I do not recommend adoption for her because she may just end up in foster care until she is 18, which will make her more angry and will encourage her outbursts. I would recommend a job core type program where she can get some structure, counseling, and discipline. It is critical that she gets this soon because she is almost at an age where she will be responsible for herself. You want her to be a productive adult, so intervention of that type is needed. Maybe even a boot camp will help.

I hope this helps

Answer 5

I know that having her leave your home may seem like the only option right now, and I understand that you hope this will "wake her up" and realize how good she has it at home. Unfortunately, I don't think that would be the outcome. I think that, by putting her out of the home, you could do irreperable damage to your relationship. Despite her serious behavioural problems, your daughter likely does love you and needs your love in return. I worry that she would perceive the choice to have her move out as you turning your back on her. This would probably cause her problems to increase, and could lead to some horrible outcomes for her.

Having said all this, please seek professional help in this matter. This is an enormous decision to make, one you should make with mental health or parenting professionals, not just in getting advice on a website from people who don't know the whole story.

Answer 6

Yep, those teenage years are tough. I think they'll be even tougher knowing that one's own parents were willing to abandon you to the system forever.
You want to give your child another start with a new family?
I just don't see how this would be helping your daughter to disown her and send her to live with strangers. By placing her for adoption, you would lose all rights and ties to her legally and forever, even after she has grown out of the teenage phase. You will also lose all rights to any children she may have in the future.
Children do not remain teenagers forever. Are you sure you are ready to give up on her because she is stuck in MTV land right now?
Adoption is forever and there is no going back.
Try therapy, boarding school, try something. Be a parent.
She is the child, you are the adult and you are failing her miserably just by asking this question.

ETA:If you give up on your child, you ARE a bad parent. What did you think you were signing up for when you had this child? Did you really think you only had to parent if your child was perfect? It doesn't work that way.

Answer 7

If your daughter moves out with friends, she won't be getting any parenting. Is there any way you can place her in a boarding school for girls? This seems like the most responsible and loving thing you can do for her at this stage. If you have college savings, use them, as it looks doubtful she'll get her high school diploma without a lot of support. Good luck to you, best case scenario is if you can send her out into the world at the age of 18 with a diploma.

Answer 8

Well, I would say if you trust this person and they are truly willing to care for her and she is truly willing to live with them and she has already run away a couple of times. Let her go over there and live for a trial visit. If it works let her stay there. She if maybe there you might could get her to go to counseling. Maybe if she lives over there she will go. DO NOT DECLARE HER A DANGER. She does not seem as if she is a danger. She seems like a kid who wants to go live someplace else. I would let her but make sure you have constant contact with the family. Yes, it is possible to have someone adopt your child. She is 15 though.

Answer 9

How can you say that about your own child??That is so sad.That is your child and you should be there for. her .She didn't ask to be brought into this world,and now since you can not control her you wanna give her back..If I where the judge I would make you keep her and all of you go to counseling, you sound like you could use some yourself. How would you feel if something bad really happened to her? You don't sound like a very loving father.. Maybe some family will adopt her and show her what real love is Maybe you just might be the root to her problem..

Answer 10

Umm...
No clue what your saying.

You can have someone adopt your teen. But why? If she's spoiled no one will want her. And if she isn't it's not easy adopting a teen. It requires lawyers paperwork adoption centers and bad education. Many children are there cause they don't have parents, and a mother is called rude because she doesn't take care of her child. Think about her future. She'll have children who never had a grandmother. You're gonna stop the generation and she'll restart it. Too many reasons for why you shouldn't give up your child. And my best one is easy to tell you, her future. Think about schools,colleges. She won't afford a good college. Nor will be able to make good money and will have to............................ work a poorly paid job. Bad life for her! Think about it before you do it. "cause once she's gone... You'll think you mad a horrible mistake. But you'll never get her back! So one solution. THINK!!!!

Answer 11

Well, this is just my opinion and situation, and it may, or may not help you.

First off, I have to state that I am not telling you this for you, but for your daughter. Yes, teenagers have problems, all of them do, in one form or another. You chose to have a child, and all that that encumbered. I dont agree with people looking fror a easy out of a terrible and stressful situation,

that said:

I currently have custody of a teenager that I didnt give birth to, and who isnt related to me. She was one of those "troubled teenagers", and her parents couldnt control her, blah, blah, blah.

When I first met her, she was living with a aunt near my house. Her parents live in a different state. She became my babysitter. She was wonderful with my children, and treated them better than any child care provider I had ever had.

Her aunt threw her out of her house, at 2 in the morning. (her aunt worked nights, and that is the time she came home.
Apparently her aunt was angry that the dishes wernt done). She came to my house, crying and upset. I let her stay the night, but made her promise we would call her parents in the morning, first thing.

We called her parents, and they didnt want her back. So.....She couldnt go home to her parents. Her aunt threw her out. Where was she to go?

I talked to her father and had him draw up paperwork through a lawyer which gave me guardianship for her. He had it notarized, and she has been with me since then.

I am basically her mom now. She calls me mom, and honestly, aside from some regular teenager stuff, which is normal, she hasnt shown anything that would lead me to throw her out.

Maybe it would be better for your daughter to be in a different environment. If there is another family that thinks she will do good with them..... let them have legal guardianship over her.