Domestic violence; What kind of love do partners/wives possess in order to forgive?

Question

Yuletide is close...and as it is, partners will feel the fist and boot of their 'other half' more than any other time of the year - but I'm always confused when a battered wife will tell us that she cannot leave him on account of her love for him, or that they met whilst at school years ago, and there's no way she could leave him now. What (if any) good does a husband/partner have that makes battered lasses forgive time and time again. Is he good with the bairns,or does he earn decent money and helps to keep their abode sparkly and nice - what is it? Never understood the forgiveness of women who really should have left long ago. Is the misunderstanding of such problems a 'man thing'?
Discuss...

Come on, evolvedintofeminist...your answer seems a wee bit harsh - this isn't spare_rib1971.com. Tell you what...read help me's answer and say she's 'stupid'.

Answer 1

I can give you my opinion from experience.

My first marriage was physically abusive.
First I stayed because I felt ashamed, I didn't want to tell anyone it had all gone wrong and my friends and family were all Christians who didn't believe in divorce, plus on the outside he seemed really good and normal and funny, I was afraid they wouldn't believe me or would judge me (funny enough many of them did when I got out of it).

My second husband seemed like the night in shining armour (boy did he see me coming), He didn't care I was divorced, he loved me (I thought) so much & initially we had a great relationship (I thought). Its only now my eyes are being opened that he is emotionally abusive, and the signs where there from the start. He isolated me from family &friends, he got jealous, I need permission to do anything. Anyone else would leave - right? No because its gradual, you begin to except it as normal. I guess its a form of brainwashing, but part of you knows its not normal, because you won't tell other people whats going on. When he got mad I always blamed myself (he ALWAYS blamed me - and he's always right isn't he?). He didn't HIT me so I didn't know it was abuse like the first time (I knew to get out and not look back that time) but this time, it seemed like the romantic fairy tale I'd always wanted (and at times when I think about it I still miss him and think it was so romantic and wish I can fix it). But it isn't. Sometimes i do say stupid things or whatever, but how I was 'punished' didn't fit the crime, but I didn't see it I thought i deserved it. If you are repeatedly told something you will believe it.
If you are told YOU are the reason for the anger, you will blame yourself and feel bad for making him angry. And end up asking forgiveness. If you are told you won't find any better (in this case I am already divorce &my christian parents don't believe in remarriage so who else would want me?)
If you are told he is the only one who will see what he sees and treat you as well as he does - there are good times - especially at the start of the relationship he can be really romantic and 'the best you ever had' and you keep thinking one day if you hold on you'll get that back. And at the end of the day I still love him. I'm trying now to get out of it. I've been due to go out to live abroad with him in two weeks. Everyone could see the warning signs but me. Its been two weeks of stress and fighting and getting advice and finally facing up to the truth.. but i still love him so much, he hasn't agreed to divorce, he just stopped contacting me and I know if he turned up on my doorstep asking for me back.. I have to fight really strong against my heart to say no.
I know people think I am weak and stupid, but its hard when your heart is involved and your self esteem is ground down. The first time it was more other people's reactions, but this time, this man became everything and made me feel like nothing. I'm working hard to change, but some people are naturally vulnerable and have low self esteem - or can be made that way. I was bullied at school and patterns like that are not always easily broken without help. But there will be no next time. I'm working to improve myself and next time - no psychos :D

Answer 2

Its a control thing. The man - over a period of time - makes you feel you are worthless, stupid, ugly and all manner of other things - so you hang on to his love believing that you wont find anyone else and you're lucky to have him. With every beating your confidence becomes less and less and in the end you just come to accept it because you get so tired and lose the will to fight it anymore. Most of these women come out of the relationship severly depressed and with a very poor image of themselves. Its hard to explain but its no way just about getting a punch or a kick. Often theres a fear of being seen as a failure too if the woman leaves not to mention the worry of how do you leave when the man controls all the finances and leaves you with nothing every day. There's a whole list of reasons and when you put them all together - its a frightening situation for any woman to be in. Sadly, the last person to realise how bad its all got is the woman herself.

Answer 3

I know it's a hard thing to understand I was once with a abuse man even if he said he was sorry it didn't matter he had control over me in every way . I didn't see a way out in seven years i went though that and been two years free with my four year old son. The only reason I left was another man found me pretty and like me for who I was. That's all I wanted was to be me and not have to say I'm sorry for walking in the room the wrong way or his dinner wasn't hot enough. I was brain wash from thinking anyone would want me such a ugly, stupid loser not even my family! so you see it's very easy to fall for someone who starts to control your every move because you think it's sweet at first that he would do that he cares,but really he just wants a pet to have! If you leave he will hurt your family and children and making you watch.It's a circle that keeps happeing to families of violent homes children do and learn what they see! The man who saved me I have been to for a year and my son is four i got out just in time my husband doesn't judge me for my past he understands way i stayed not just for love, to be safe sounds werid being beat wasnt so bad when he said he was sorry i know better now. I'ts a long road to recover my self respect, self wroth and learning how to let someone love me with there heart and not there fist is very hard but I'm on the way to being a person again.For my son the only thing i want is him to be happy nothing else matters!!!!!!!

Answer 4

It's not love that they are feeling - it is a twisted, addicted response to pathological behaviour, which has caused them to lose self-esteem and a desire to protect themselves. The intensity of the highs and lows of a relationship like that they might call "love" but it is definitely not. Check out "battered wife syndrome" on the net sometime - it will give you a better idea of how and why such women justify staying in an abusive relationship.

Answer 5

it isnt about forgiveness. Its all about the control the partner has over his battered spouse. Women feel guilty, are MADE to feel guilty by the man and so stay. The man apologises and the woman hopes he means it, he says it will never happen again and she hopes he means it and so stays, because after all its her fault he hit her in the first place.She thinks.
there is also the feeling of shame and feeling like a failure.

From the outside its easy for us to say she should get out. From the inside she cant see a way out. Complicated situation and we shouldnt judge.
To all those in this situation this Christmas....Be safe x

Answer 6

Certain people are drawn to particular people. It's foolish to call those who suffer domestic violence stupid. If a woman has had an abusive childhood (very common) she's more likely to be drawn to an abusive partner and that's her normality. Low self-esteem makes people stay and the belief that the abuser will mend his/her ways. I can't believe there's so little understanding of this problem. Try and use a little imagination. Read books, literature about abuse, try and get an insight.

Answer 7

First of all where are you from. I only read the word bairns in books.. so cool

Anyway, there are many reasons why a woman will stay in an abusive situation
she is afraid he will harm her or her family
he has threatened to do so
she has nowhere to go
he may have isolated her away from her family which is what abusers do
she may have children that she cannot support
he has wore her down and made her feel useless and she feels she has no one and she is unable to start over
those are just a few

Answer 8

wow. that's a very direct question that will hit the heart of many.

you could be an award winning journalist.

a battered wife does not forgive. She is convinced that she must look, live and behave in a certain way. She does not know what is happening. She is "trained" by her partner. She has a warped view of her own reality.
When she wakes up and realises what is happening - she leaves. And she never ever forgives.

Answer 9

Even when you are drunk, you still have a bit of control over what you do. I'm sure that it takes thought to keep kicking and punching someone until you force them to call the cops on you. He learned his lesson with his ex, and just because you did it only once doesn't make it any better, it's still abuse. That's kind of like saying ' well I only murdered someone once and she murdered 20 people so I should get a lessor sentence"

Answer 10

i dont think it has anything to do with love, being good in bed, or how much money they make. they forgive because in an abbusive relationship the abuser is dominant and makes the abusee feel worthless and scared. when they finally work up the courage to leave the abuser will turn on the charm and make you feel sorry for them and that it will never happen again. they squish any free thinking part of you and make you feel you cant live without them that you are worthless without them. its mental abuse as much as physical or verbal. its easy for outsiders to say just leave but when your in a situation where you are a victim of domestic violence its a lot more complicated.