Do you care for this poem?

Question

The walls I built of my paper-mâché
Are flaking and crumbling apart.
The gaps and the cracks are spreading much wider-
Revealing my crucified heart.
Here it's displayed, atop a white pedestal...
Once guarded so tightly, now exposing it all...

It once was so young, so vibrant and strong.
Beating the rhythm to a light, wordless song.
Pumping out happiness, sucking out pain,
Making my blunders seem more like a gain.

It started to falter, often skipping a beat,
But the rhythm continued as though on repeat.
Overexertion was crucial, too much stress perhaps,
Causing the heart to pump madly until it collapsed.

'Twas put on display, in an upright position,
To be seen as a model of perfect cognition.
Nails held it steady, the spot-light was bright,
Causing the mass to heat and ignite.

I took my emotions, thoughts, aspirations,
Mixed them together to a paste combination.
This became a tomb for my heart on display,
So that quietly...solitary...it could decay.

**continue below**

But the walls I built of my paper-mâché
Are flaking and crumbling apart.
The gaps and the cracks are spreading wider-
Revealing my crucified heart.


© Copyright 2007 K.L. Carpenter (UN: kyles_girl at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
K.L. Carpenter has granted Writing.Com, its affiliates and syndicates non-exclusive rights to display this work.

Answer 1

Now I just want to cry! BUT..your poem is so much better than Emerald's critique...Hey Emerald..where's YOUR Pulitzer?!
Critic is the easiest job in the world, and a GOOD critic will tell you what is good about the piece as well as what needs improving. Keep on writing,baby..I can see real effort here in turning cliches into original form.....the poem can be more interesting if you include a ray of HOPE, like what you're doing to combat your sadness....let's see some more!

Answer 2

It's the same old garbage, teen angst-self-important crap that appears here on a daily basis. And remember, your little peers will think it's great because they know as little as you do about poetry. Those who tell you "Hey man, that's awesome," write this kind of horrendous blather too, or they read on a first grade level if that! Really, you don't need to bother with your little copyright thing at the end either. No one in his or her right mind would steal this piece of tripe! This is NOT poetry. Poetry is imagery. It lifts the spirit and expands the mind. This is just plain awful. And to the poster who claims poetry should be vague, I don't know what planet they are writing in from. If no one can understand it (you must have been deeply depressed when you wrote this trash), then it is of little or no value. And words like "Twas" should NEVER be used! Please don't post another of these ditties until you learn what real poetry is all about. This is a good example of what it is NOT! You asked.

Answer 3

It's very interesting, but I'm not entirely sure what you are trying to say.

It seems to suggest you are exposed and therefore vulnerable. Possibly confused as well.

The nice thing about poetry is that it does allow you to be somewhat vague. Some of the best poetry is not clear in its meaning.

I like the word imagery you use. It is graphic and is the literary equivalent of "taking it off." I've answered enough of your questions that I understand something of your situation and reading your poem I feel I do know you a little better.

Answer 4

Oh my god that's freaking awesome!
If you wrote that, you're an amazing writer!

I love it, it describes what I've been going through so perfectly and probably alot of other people too!
It would also make nice lyrics to a song if you're into that sort of thing.

Wow, no, that was really good. Never stop writing.

Answer 5

Seems quite a nice poem. I am not one for looking into deep meanings, but is it about the fragile nature of how one can be full of life, only to be reduced down to a wreck by todays world/ relationships?

Answer 6

Pwerful and extremely amazing. It creates a rythm. Nice poetry

Answer 7

It seems to me that you are trying to express your feelings through this poem... It is filled with your emotions... I Sense sorrow, grief and disappointments yet you are trying to remain strong against all that has happened...

Answer 8

not bad needs a little work

Answer 9

i dont care w/ that ******* question..whats that crazyness?ouch. are you hurt a shot???hahaha! lol

Answer 10

dude thats f*cking awesome. right on man!!!!!!! right on