Is my husband fair?

Question

I've been married for 6 years and we've bickered and argued from the beginning. mostly little things, and usually my fault (he makes me feel like it is).

When we argue, and my husband gets mad, he'll stay mad for days and will ignore me completely. I try to say sorry/hug him, etc, and he'll not even look at me. He just ignores me and says nothing.

I feel he's unfair by not addressing and talking about the problem. I'm always the first to say sorry even if I'm the one who got mad in the first place. I cant stay mad for too long.

2 weeks ago we got into a fight (definitely his fault) and I was mad and tried to ignore him (to make him see what it feels like). HE ended up ignoring me BACK and I ended up trying to apologize for it. Again.

I'm fed up of his immaturity. What do you think? Is it ok for a grown up to act this way? How should I address him when he's ignoring me? I feel like my self respect dies a little each time i try to make things better, but he seems to enjoy it

Answer 1

It's not fair. He's being childish. That's not how two adults are supposed to work problems out.

But, you are reinforcing that behavior by giving in so easily. Every time you give in when you shouldn't, it makes it that much harder to get him to stop doing that. First tell him that it's not ok to ignore you. Second, if the argument/fight isn't your fault, then don't apologize. It will be hard, but if you want this to stop, the stop allowing it to happen.

But don't get me wrong, I don't want this to sound like it's your fault your situation is like this, I'm just suggesting that you quit acknowledging his silent treatment tactics. That is why does it, because he has learned over time that it works. Well, if didn't work anymore, I betchya he'll quit doing it.

Have a real conversation about it then see how things go. Don't just passively-aggressively nag about it here and there because guys resent that. Really talk to him about it, ONE time, then see what happens. If he keeps up with the silent treatment, wait him out, otherwise, get used to it.

Answer 2

He is being immature and I would not apologize to him. If he is wrong then stop taking the blame. You are beating your head against the wall. He makes you suffer while you try to smooth everything over at your own expense. You need to decide if you can live the rest of your life like this. You say that your self respect dies each time, how long until you have none left? It is time to think about yourself and what is best for you. Think hard girl.

Answer 3

Don't try to get through to him while he is mad. Do it while you are both happy with each other, that way you know he will not be ignoring you. Make him understand that when you argue, he should not be ignoring you for days because arguments almost always have a solution. Good Luck!
-AB

Answer 4

ee is right that is emotional abuse. When he acts like that go out and have fun and if he gets mad just tell him you needed to be around grownups and not a baby that pouts for days. You should never apologize for something you didn't do. If it is your fault then yes apologize but don't give him the satisfaction of letting him know that it is hurting you when he does that and maybe he will stop. Go out and buy a baby blanket and next time he does it politely go get it, give it to him and walk out maybe he will get the hint.

Answer 5

This is definitely not fair to you, or your marriage. Talk to him when he's NOT angry/upset about how he acts when he is. Tell him how much it bothers you the way he reacts to stressful situations & how it's important to you to talk about things rather than ignoring each other. See how he responds. If he's the type of person who really just gets so angry he doesn't want to speak to you, ask him if he would be willing to write in a journal while you're in a fight so that you will be able to address what the issues are later when he's calmed down. The key is to talk to him before the next fight/argument.

If he's unwilling to talk about it, he's being very disrespectful of your very valid feelings and you really don't deserve such a thing.

Answer 6

his ignoring you is probably a learned behavior -- something he learned growing up, i'd guess... and it's not very mature or adult, either....

you should not be "made" to feel guilty or like the bad guy just because your husband chooses the cold shoulder and pouting method in the aftermath of your arguments... it's not YOUR fault he's a jackas$.

your marriage obviously lacks positive communication, and there is no compromise, or settling problems rationally. marriage or couples counseling would give you ideas about what might be wrong in the relationship and how to solve problems together.

take care.

Answer 7

it's odd...but our husbands have a lot in common. When i read your experience, its very much like mine. I too felt hurt when my husband blocks me out, even when its not my fault. I too apologize first (cause i can't stand for him to be mad at me), i hug him and there's no response. He could actually go days without really speaking to me, other than the mundane, "where's my red shirt?"
First, i would recommend talking to him...at a moment when he's most receptive to it. I did with my husband and we both established that 1. he's an *** 2. he's moody 3. so uncommunicative....thing is, what to do, when that's his personality. My husband tried to not be,...but ultimately, he resorts back to his old ways.
So, what changed was how i responded to him. It's hard when you love somebody so much and they're being so hurtful. I combat it with sense of humor. When he tries to ignore me, i do something he can't possibly ignore, like dnacing by him butt naked. Or i'll just position myself around him. If he tries to ignore me by holing up in our office, then i'll just take myself over there, sit where he can see me, and do something, like read a book. Its aggravating and sometimes he gets mad...but its better than being ignored!

Answer 8

Wow, now this one is going to have some thought put into this answer, but it sounds to me that he needs to do some growing up to do first, second, if he truly loves you, he would not hold a grudge against you for any reason what so ever, arguing in a relationship is normal, but most couples that are truly in love, will make up before the day has ended.
Sounds to me that you both better get some counseling before it is to late, if he will not agree to go, then you need to go for yourself, so you can start feeling better about yourself, it is not right what he is doing to your self esteem.

Answer 9

Of course I have not heard both sides but this sounds terrible. Maybe you could start ignoring him more in ways like not having sex with him or not making as nice of meals etc. Tell him that he is ruining your self respect and ask him if he is enjoying himself and tell him maybe it is time for a separation. Don't put up with this. Pull back and stand up for your rights.

Answer 10

It is a control issue with him. He has to maintain control of the situation and YOU at all times. Start thinking deep at all the arguements and try to be the third person looking in. When you know for a fact you were not wrong and he turns the tables on you, it is CONTROL!!!!!!! That is abuse. Emotional and mental abuse is inflicted by CONTROL! It is just as damaging as the physical abuse. I bet you don't have much self esteem, huh? CONTROL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GET YOURS BACK!!!