My husband and I met when I was 15....we have been together for 12 years now and married for 8. We have two beautiful little girls. He is in the Army and right now, he is on his FOURTH deployment in the past 8 years. I love him with all my heart and we were honestly happy....DON'T get me wrong...we have had our rough patches but I never doubted for a second that we would make it through. Well, I found out three weeks ago that he has been sleeping with my "friend" for the past 4 years. She is a married women with three children....and our husbands were close as well. Well, I confronted him with this about 2 weeks ago (via email) and he called me for the first time, last night. He waited TWO WEEKS to call me, claiming he "didn't know what to say." He told me that he never loved her....that it was only sex.....he loves me and he doesn't know why he does the things he does. I would love to hear from men/women who have done this to the people that they love.
2007-12-04 13:11:50 · 42 answers · asked by alk24238 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
WHY?? Why did he do this to me?? What the hell was going through his head for the past 4 years? It really breaks my heart because I stood by him through FOUR deployments. I have been a strong, faithful, PROUD Army wife and THIS is what I get in return?? I just can't understand how someone can be so God damn LOW. Anyways, thanks in advance for any insight you may be able to give me.
2007-12-04 13:12:19 · update #1
As far as my plans....I saw a lawyer today and I plan on getting a legal separation. The crazy thing is though, I still love him so much and even though I KNOW what I have to do, it's KILLING me to leave him. I start therapy on Friday. I feel like I am dying inside and I feel completely lost.
2007-12-04 13:21:40 · update #2
Yeah, the dirty w hore that claimed to be my friend while banging my husband...well, she is STILL denying it. And though I TOLD her husband that mine admitted it to me, he says "Kathy said she didn't do it and I believe her." And my husband will never be man enough to tell him so I guess she is just getting away with it scott-free!! That drives me NUTS.....so I am depending on Karma....And praying that both my husband and his w hore, get theirs in the end.
2007-12-04 13:41:47 · update #3
Oh sweetie, I know this is not something you're going to want to hear, but it was NEVER about YOU. This was all about him and he did it because he wanted to, he didn't think it would ever come out, she probably responded to him in a different way that made him feel wanted. I know, I know, you have always loved him, like I said, it's not about you.
It was all about how she made him feel and thus, how he felt about himself, desired, delirious, excited. It's not about how good of a wife and mother to his children you are, it's about how an opportunity came across his path and he chose to act on it, the last thing on his mind was you, what it would do to you, your self esteem, your marriage, your history.
He doesn't sound like he's sorry about it happening, just that it came out. It doesn't sound like he really knows what he wants or that he's hit rock bottom, wanting to change and make it up to you, I haven't heard him say he's sorry.
It's what you do now that will determine what he does next, if you take him back, he will see that as permission to do it again because he talked fast enough to keep you. Believe it or not, he's not ready to give you up either.
It has to be up to him if he's going to seek help from a counselor and talk with you about how you're going to go on from here. This will be a long process, no matter what you decide to do. It's freaky, he sounds like my ex.
2007-12-04 13:27:01 · answer #1 · answered by Yankee Micmac 5 · 2⤊ 1⤋
I know women have a hard time understanding this because for a woman sex comes with love, so when a woman cheats it's because feelings are involved. For a man, sex can just be sex, honestly. I'm not saying he is right for what he did, he isn't. But the fact probably is that for him when he says he doesn't know and is sorry, he's probably telling you the truth. Likely what happened was hormones got into the picture and he saw an opportunity to bang somebody new and he went for it. Humans haven't been monogamous creatures for all time, in hunter/gatherer times humans were largely polygamous which is why 85 some odd percent of relationships experience this at some point or another. The fact is even those we are (or think we are) modern creatures males are still dominated by genetics and instincts from the hunter/gatherer age. Females are also. Why do you still find a 6-pack and big muscles on a guy attractive? What possible good could they be in modern times? He will likely never go out and kill an animal with them, but the fact that he /could/ is what makes those muscles attractive, because biology taught females that a guy with muscles would be a better provider so they find him more attractive. That same biology tells guys to bang as many females as they can to spread their genes as far and wide as possible. Again, I'm not saying it's right, and he should suffer for his mistake, but at the same time understanding what exactly went through his head (probably any way) will help you cope with his mistake. Here is another fact, for the most part when a guy cheats and DOESN'T leave the wife it's purely a sexual thing, when he cheats and DOES leave his wife, it's because there are emotions mixed in with the sex. It's hard for females to understand this since female brains can't separate love and sex, but for men it's easy, and that's why so many of them cheat and think nothing about it, because there was no commitment, no emotion, nothing other than physical desire going on. I hope this helps you understand, likely he doesn't even understand it himself. Good luck.
2007-12-04 13:30:25 · answer #2 · answered by Heart of Stone 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am so sorry that this is happening to u! Look there will always be a part u that will love him. But do u honestly think he gives a S___ about u and everything u both have been through. Girl u need to leave him because he will probably keep on with it or do it again. It's a shame that he took your love for granted. No love should be that painful. Be strong I believe that everything happens for a reason. Get out for good. Well Good Luck! By the way have u confronted your so-called friend!!
2007-12-04 13:37:23 · answer #3 · answered by hippie 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't know if I will help at all. But I want to say that I understand where you are coming from. I am also an army wife that has stood by my husband and he did cheat on me. I did forgive him because it was a one time thing. If I had or every find out that it was a on going affair I don't think I could give him a second chance. I think you should hold your head up and just walk away. Again I sure this isn't the type of answer you want. But you are deserve better and you are not alone.
2007-12-04 13:23:12 · answer #4 · answered by me 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Let me start by stating the obvious. What he did was WRONG! And the pain you are feeling is completely justified. The only thing that could make all this worse is to take two deprive two innocent children of their life with two loving parents.
Yes, therapy can help. Yes, he must pay for what he has done. Yes, it could take a long time to ever truly trust him again, if ever. But, your children should not pay the price.
Now, again repeating that he was VERY WRONG, it should also be remembered that what he said can be completely true. For a man it can be nothing but sex. A man can easily have sex with a woman and feel absolutely nothing for her. Most women do not find it possible to seperate sex from feelings. Knowing this does not justify what he did, but it reminds you that he can love you very much and still do such a terrible thing without it meaning that his love isn't real or still there.
For your children I pray that you make every effort to save your marriage. God bless you and help you through this.
2007-12-04 13:46:51 · answer #5 · answered by karate 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First of all, please accept my sympathies. I really feel for you.
Please take some time to think about this whole issue from a practical point of view.
Your husband did an inexcusable act and you should not forgive him or give him a second chance. You should take charge and prepare to file for a divorce at an appropriate time in the future.
If you are educated and can get a job, please do so. Get your financial stuff in order. If you are not educated find some training and put your self through school and get a job. Lay low until you are in a position to file for a divorce.
This is important that you do not find fault in your self. No one deserves to be cheated and specially when you were so faithful to him for so long.
Always remember, once a cheat always a cheat. It is a character flaw. This can not be treated or fixed unlike a lot of people will try to tell you.
You need to do this for your little girls. Show them what an honest and upright woman can do in such a bad situation. You stayed faithful to your man but on the same side you have the courage to stand on your own and take care of the girls and then find the right man who deserves all of this nice things in life you have to offer.
Please don't try to find reasons. He is the party that is guilty and he should be the one who should worry. Don't kill your self over this. also, she might not be the only one he was/is cheating with.
Good Luck !!!
2007-12-04 13:26:30 · answer #6 · answered by bhaiyagi 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Sounds like he mistakenly took your Kindness as a Weakness !! I know you are hurting like hell right now, and I'm so sorry. Have you contacted your"friend" (which I would consider an enemy!) and/or told HER husband whats been going on?! One time, is a "mistake".....4yrs. is a jerk who found a way to be a dawg and still make himself look like a devoted husband/father. Search your soul and decide if you can get past this, or if you even want to try. You may need to "find a real husband". I can't imagine "why" your husband would be unfaithful for so long. You definitely Deserve better. You didn't deserve what he did to you. He was so very Wrong ! God Bless, and Good Luck !!!
2007-12-04 13:24:36 · answer #7 · answered by casper 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No, can't say I have ever been through this but here's my opinion anyway... keeping in mind that you are too good to be true. Yes, men can be men and think with their ***** and not their heart sometimes. He would be feeling terrible about this; ask him calmly if he has any regrets. If he doesn't, then you know what to do. If he does, the next step is up to you. Your situation may be more common than you think. Don't be ashamed, it's not you who did this. So stand proud of yourself and seek lots of advice and input from others during this difficult period while you both come to a decision and he starts to take ownership and responsibility of how he has jeopardized his family.
2007-12-04 13:21:59 · answer #8 · answered by cometthegrommit 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am sorry for this situation. This one of the hardest things that you will have to deal with in life. Dont be too hard on yourelf. As you go through this one, take notes of what has happened.
Do not blame yourself. The world in which we live contains people with different mindset ,value systems and outlook in life.
Write your decisions down. Know exactly why you made them. Crowd your New Year plans with happy thoughts of the life you have always imagine and ensure that every new day takes you to a happier place.
Good luck on your journey of self-discovery and acceptance. I hope someday this will be just a faint memory, with no pain or regrets.
People who do this to their loved ones do not really love. Sorry but i cannot imagine even thinking of doing anything like that to anyone.
Find solace in knowing that nothing happens in life without a reason.
2007-12-04 14:02:34 · answer #9 · answered by noble 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I am going to be honest, for a number of years I was the cheating wife, I found it exciting to "date" married men. The excitement of being naughty and possibly getting was a big turn on for me. Most of the other men did not even look as handsome as my husband or have his character. I wish I had been more devoted to my husband and not hurt him so much. How, all my excitement is with my husband. Thank God, he only knew about a few of them. I never realized how much hurt I could create by my behavior, and never would do it again. It is just not being honest and trustworthy.
2007-12-04 18:41:10 · answer #10 · answered by Sheila S 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋