I am torn! is divorce the answer?

Question

me and my husband are fighting constantly. even though i asked just yesterday if we should have another child i realize that i would not want to bring another child into this situation. i do not feel the same way about my husband as i did when i married him 5 years ago. i also know he doesnt feel the same way about me because he always says, "You are not the woman I married. I do not even know you! It would be better if we were not together!" Of course we never fight in front of the kids. i have a 6 year old daughter from a prevous relationship and a 4 year old son and a set of two year olf twins (boy and girl). i feel bad that they are in the middle and if we did get a divorce we would be hurting them. however i do not feel the same way as i did even 2 years ago. i can't imagine living with him until one of us die! what should i do? i am also stressed from being with the kids all day while he goes to work then goes play golf. I NEED ADVICE! we cant talk anymore because it doesnt work!

Answer 1

Maybe you two should look into some marriage counseling, it might just be what you 2 need to get over this hard time in your relationship. If that doesn't work then maybe a divorce is the way to go. It can be hard once there are kids in the mix. But having another one right now is probably not the best thing, since it would just be an added stress (even though they are a bundle of joy). Just give it some time, things might get a little better after the stress of the holiday is gone. But I would look into some counseling for the both of you. Good luck and keep your head up!!!

Answer 2

You guys have no time together with him at work all day and you taking care of all those kids! You feel like you live parallel life's and are more like co-parents and roommates than a deeply in love couple. It is hard to even find things to talk about anymore besides the kids, right? You will never feel that giddy romance feeling again and it's unrealistic to think you will. The new guy will be exciting at first but it will fall back into the same rut because everyday life isn't like that (unless you have no kids and responsibilities) there is just not enough time in one day to work, take care of kids, and spend copious amounts of alone time together. I feel your pain as many married couples do. Marriage and kids is a lot of work and sacrifice, and often time thankless. I have felt like that before trust me, it's the price of progress in a relationship; see a counselor so you can communicate more effectively.

Answer 3

Whoa.. It seems as though the both of you have come to a crossroad in your marriage. He goes to work and then goes golfing. While you stay home take care of the kids. I would suggest that since neither of you can talk about the way you both feel did you even think about maybe going to a marriage counselor? You both may have hidden issues that could be resolved. If all else fails then I would say do what you both feel is right. If there is no harmony then there is no happiness..

Answer 4

Wow!! I feel bad for you. I'm in a similar situation. I have a 7 yr old step son (hers from a previous relationship) and we have a 15month old together. We also fight way too much, with her telling me she wants a divorce at least every other day. She says the most unthinkable things to me that i will never forget. No real advice here, sorry....just know you are not alone with that situation. Hopefully someone gives you some good advice i can steal .LOL

Answer 5

It sounds like you are both exhausted. No you should not have another child. In my opinion, maybe its too many children that is your problem. Maybe that is why you are home with the children all the time and he goes to work and then to golf. (by the way this is a woman speaking) Maybe in his eyes that isn't very sexually appealing. and when it comes to 'being' with someone in any intimate nature working all day (either at work or for you at home) and then coming home to a bunch of children is frustrating. Not that children are horrible. I think children are wonderful in every sense of life. Just think about it. You both work all day he at his job and you at home with children. Then he comes home to that neither of you feel up to being with each other because you're exhausted from your days. Take some time off. A vacation. You don't have to actually go anywhere Just get away from the children for a couple of days. I know alot ofpeople suggest this but it is true. Once you get away from the chaos then you have time for yourselves to remember why you are together. Hope this helps.

Answer 6

Marriage counseling is definitely the answer, before heading to divorce court. That many kids, or any kids for that matter, can truly cause couples to fight and lose sight over why you got married in the first place. But for your sake, and especially your children, try to work it out in counseling first. You may be happily surprised to see it work out. Try some out, not just one. And if one doesn't bring you closer, than you're seeing the wrong one. Keep going until you find one that works. Good luck.

Answer 7

ABSOLUTELY! Those kids come first, forever and always, then you, then him. But not now! Never strike at this time of year when little ones are involved. WAIT! Santa's coming!
Use this time to get your ducks in a row...Tell ONLY someone you trust (really trust) so you'll have someone to vent to during this time. Make certain you do not to mention the "D" word to him.
DO NOT give him the opportunity to file first. Align those ducks. I assure you, it WILL NOT be easy. I decided to get divorced last October, 06. I told my then 13 year old daughter (whom I trusted very much that the step Mother thing wasn't working) of my plans then began planning.Yes! Even during the Christmas season.
We now live very happily and are looking forward to this Christmas. Good Luck! With what ever you decide to do. And since it is "this time of year", make sure the little ones have a Merry one. Bye

Answer 8

I dont think moving on is the answer. It sounds like he puts work and golf before he puts you and the kids and you have turned bitter about it. My husband use to do the same thing and we went to a marriage counsler. Now, he realizes that he has a family and needs to spend more time with us. Maybe this is what you and your husband need too. I definately wouldnt bring anymore children in til this is resolved.

Answer 9

Of course you are not the same people you were when you married. People change and grow. The problem with couples is that they either grow together or grow apart. It is easy to grow apart but it takes a lot of work to grow together. It is clear from your letter that the two of you are not communicating with each other. You don't understand each other because instead of working on what is wrong with your marriage you are focused on who is to blame for changing the most. That makes you both defensive and when that happens you put up walls to protect yourselves emotionally. Wave the white flag and tell your husband (like I have to tell my husband from time to time) "I'm not saying everything is your fault. I am saying we have problems and I need your help to fix them." There are two people interacting in a relationship. That means when problems occur, both are most likely contributing to them. It is up to each individual to look at themselves to see what they can do to correct their own behavior, not point fingers and demand change from the other one. Finger pointing never works, and what happens is where you find yourself with your husband--at a stalemate. One thing I also do with my husband is when I am frazzled from taking care of the house and kids all day I will warn him, "Honey, it was a killer today. So if I sound snappy or hateful please don't take it personally." It helped in the beginning because we had less fights. It works better now, because he knows why I am upset and wants to make me feel better. That means now he'll pitch in with the dishes, laundry and even grocery shop when he knows I need help. Before he would just escape the house because men hate to feel helpless with a woman who is upset and they don't really know why. It will take some time for the change to happen, but if you want to make it work you just have to change how you react to your husband and he needs to learn how to react better to you. If you have any questions or I can help in any other way just email me at [e-mail]. Good luck!

Answer 10

first you need to seek counseling.. and secondly.. you need to work on getting some time to yourself outside the house without the kids..... it sounds like that might be part of the problem.. do you have some friends or family that can help with the kids.. maybe take them for one day a week.. or a couple hours a week.. give you a chance to maybe do some volunteer work, get a part-time job or just go get some 'you-time' in..