The World Goes Around
Heavenly stars twinkle and shine
In stark silhouette leafy branches entwine.
Deep in the shadows, where two lovers stand
Shoulder to shoulder and hand in hand
A halo of moonlight brings soft golden glow,
Enmeshed in emotion, the lovers don’t know.
They don’t see the stars twinkle far overhead
they’re lost in their heartache, and tears that they shed
fall like dead leaves, to blanket the ground,
while spinning and turning, the world goes around.
Tonight, last time these lovers may meet,
Pain, fiery monster with cold, raking teeth
Slashing, burning and tearing apart
New love, true love – and innocent heart.
Fighting for pride, their pain must not show
Each turns away, lets the other one go.
Blindly they tread the long lonely track,
For each broken heart, the future seems black.
Their tears, like dead leaves, blanket the ground
While spinning and turning the world goes around.
Copyright 2003
2007-12-04 11:25:44 · 14 answers · asked by Lassie 2 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
The last verse is below
Heavenly stars still twinkle and shine
In stark silhouette leafy branches entwine,
A halo of moonlight, a soft golden gleam
Embraces the place of loves broken dream.
Now, only dead leaves blanket the ground
While spinning turning, the world goes around.
Once again - thanks in advance -
I used to write a lot but have given it up for various reasons and would like to know if it is worth starting again.
2007-12-04 11:30:38 · update #1
Um... that's pretty soppy.
It's good though. Best I've read on this board, for sure.
"In stark silhouette leafy branches entwine" is a great line, probably the best in there, and I kinda wish you'd done more with it. And I think the "monster" metaphor is a bit out of place. It's really tough to use "monster" in a poem without people snickering (unless the poem is really vicious, not just sad).
But I digress. I like it. Bravo.
EDIT: Oh, more details...
The last verse is really soppy. "Love's broken dream", and all that. I think it's fine with just the first two verses... gets the point across, so there's no reason to sum it up with another verse. The poem isn't that soppy without it... definitely has an edge. But the last verse summing everything up just kills that.
As for whether you should start it up again... definitely. You're probably a great writer.
2007-12-04 11:33:33 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Very good I only suggest a few changes:
"while spinning and turning, the world goes around."
I would change "around" to "round"
"Tonight, last time these lovers may meet,"
would sound better "Tonight, the last time..."
"New love, true love – and innocent heart."
should be "...and an innocent heart"
2007-12-04 12:05:05 · answer #2 · answered by Joseph B 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
a real Artist, a real Poet could be inspired even from an octopus or sea weeds.... i'm very almost having in my mouth the flavor of fried fish! What different criterion could be better than that?
2016-09-30 21:19:11 · answer #3 · answered by wrights 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's like a Romeo and Juliet poem. It's good
2007-12-04 11:29:01 · answer #4 · answered by Jamie W 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
trying just a A little too hard! But its Good
2007-12-04 11:29:22 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow, i absolutely love this poem. It reminds me of a relationship I once had.
2007-12-04 11:29:35 · answer #6 · answered by la8dolce8vita 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i like it alot. it is pretty. I cou;d see it being played at a wedding or such. i love it! I would but it
2007-12-04 11:29:14 · answer #7 · answered by ♥♥♥ 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Intresting whats your name i wish to send it to someone and wish to give you the credit. (of course)
2007-12-04 11:28:45 · answer #8 · answered by Kratos 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like it. Well written!
2007-12-04 11:28:29 · answer #9 · answered by tattoodangel 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
excellent use of literature, butt i do not understand yo accent
send that to lover.............sweet like strawberry milkshake:)
2007-12-04 11:31:22 · answer #10 · answered by izzy 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋