i am a muslim lesbian, born and raised in this country however i am being pressurised to marry..?

Question

i am nearly 23 and my mum is pressurising me to marry i am really scared as i have never had any feelings for a man.
I am 23 in a few months and have decided rather than me suffering in silence i will jump in the canal because atleast i wont suffer no more.
I know i probably sound imature but all i can say is ive suffered alot in my life. My parents split when i was 10, i was eldest out of my siblings and i looked after them as though i was their dad when infact i was their sister.

Dont tell me to runaway and leave home because that brings shame on the family in the asian community.
I just needed someone to listen to me thats why i posted on here.

thanks x

i can`t come out as homosexuality is forbidden. I will get disowned if i claim im les

Answer 1

Life is often a struggle for many people, you have to live a lie to protect the reputation of your family.
I doubt you can tell your family that you are a lesbian without bringing that same shame onto them.
But it is illegal to force you, or pressure you into a marriage against your will, and you must be prepared to report any attempt to force you to marry to the police, and if it comes to it, to tell your family that you will do so and bring real shame upon the family if they attempt to force you to marry.

If you do not want to marry, you mustn't marry.

And if you genuinely do not want to bring shame upon your family, then you cannot commit suicide because that will cause the deepest shame of all.

You are fortunate to know yourself, you cannot live your life without hurting anybody, be careful, strife to be happy.

Answer 2

Darling I know you don't want to hear this, but the only option you have is to come clean, tell your mother how you really feel. Getting disowned is better than suicide which is wrong both in the eyes of God and society.


You can keep quiet and get married and then you might end up being pregnant and having a child... If at this point you are not happy with the way things have turned out and you decide to leave you will be ruining the life of your husband and most importantly you child.

Living the truth for a day is more honorable than living a lie for the rest of your life.

Answer 3

You're going through a really rough time, and it's not being made easier the fact that you're now, almost having an arranged future planned out for you. You don't sound imature at all, in fact you sound scared, it's a situation that at present, whatever way you choose to go, your mum isn't going to be happy with your decision, and certainly ' harming yourself' isn't the answer, and that is against you're beliefs anyway, so don't even think of that.

Your mum has relyed on you, it seems for everything, including bringing up your siblings, so there's never been a time for you. Well, now you're 23, and an adult, and you've got some serious desicions to make.

Firstly, make 'informed' decisions' in other words, see what options there are out there, such as, finding your own place, you can put your name down for a flat/apartment or house, either authority owned, or private landlord. Then sort out your finances, benefits, what your entitled to, you can find this information out through 'advice centers', a grant can be available for first time buyers, or for rented property to help you with paying rent/bills etc.
Then, there's your mum, she has to understand that, she is the 'parent' not you, and that you want to move on, that you will visit her, and help if you can, but you need to 'break loose' now, or you'll loose your own identity for good.
After all this is done, then, you can concentrate on this lost identity of yours, and hopefully find a partner, and lifestyle, and in fact a life that will make you happy.

So gather as much information as you can, keep it quiet until you know what to do, or if you have a close trusted friend, colleague/ or religious member, maybe they can help you until you get through this.

Good luck.. I wish you a long and happy life.

a friend x

Answer 4

Oh please! When this life is almost over, who did you make happy?? You, or the asian community? You weren't put here on this earth to make them happy and if you want to believe that- whatever! I know you said not to say stuff like move away but you will be a lot happier! You can do that you know, that is the wonderful about America! Why live a lifetime of sadness? Your family is here because of freedom and being able to live how you want. You were born a certain way for a reason and should not have to suffer.

Answer 5

Oh...I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Gosh how can you say anything to fix this. Because is not like you can go to your parents and change their minds correct?

Marriage in your religion is considered to be of the utmost importance. What can you do then? You're not as desperate, because trust me someone who really, really, really doesn't want this.........would leave, no matter what. It has happened before.

But you know that it would bring shame to your family...just like not following along with their wishes for marriage would be as well.

In today's society were.....freedom, is deserved.....by everyone. Don't you think you deserve to be happy? Were you born just to be miserable? You think that's what was intended for you?. I think you deserve to have the life....


YOU want.

But again, you have to want it, and want it bad. Both directions will be bad. If you get married you'll be miserable, and if you...just disappear, you will feel shame, and you'll be alone. But whatever you decide, weather negative or positive it was meant to be.

Anything is possible.

I can't even begin to comprehend on what you're going through right now. I send you blessing in hopes that your heart receives...peace.

Answer 6

You need to accept the fact that you are going to be a shame to your family no matter what you are a lesbian and you have already said that you need to sit straight and family is family the will no how to forgive and forget and if not then there is nothing you can do but why get married with someone you do not love.

Answer 7

I think you torn to bits ... can you tell your mother how you feel about this? It might be that you find a husband who is gay, and then you and he might be able to look out for each other. Not beyond the realms of possibility!

You imply that you don't want to bring shame onto your family, but won't ending it all in a canal bring shame to them as well?

Answer 8

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. You talked about how running away would "bring shame" on your family. What does your family think about you being a lesbian? I mean, do they even know? There are alot of people out there who deny who they REALLY are. Deep down inside you know who you are and that you can't live a fake life. It's a difficult decision but you either live for your FAMILY and what they want or you decide to make decisions for your OWN happiness.

Answer 9

Wow, I'm really sorry about what you are going through. That's a tough situation. Being a lesbian isn't easy in the first place. I cant imagine being Muslim and lesbian. I wish you the best.

Answer 10

sorry, i don't know who but there are organisations out there who can help you. your homosexuality has nothing to do with it, it's illegal for asian parents to try to force or arrange marriages. try the citizens advice bureau, it's less scary than the police or social services, & they'll know who to put you in contact with. please don't jump in the canal; there is a way out of this. i don't think you sound immature; in fact i think you sound very mature. it's wonderful to consider your family, but this is your life & you must live it your way. i wish you all the very best & hope you get the help you need. diane.