Why do people always go back to abusive partners?

Question

It pains me to hear of people in this situation.

I'm very grateful for your answers, thank you very much :)

Answer 1

Hi,

I have been in an abusive relationship and kept going back. It was because he took me away from all my friends and family and each time he hurt me he also ebbed away my identity until I wasn't ME anymore and because totally reliable on him for everything.

Each time he hurt me I believed it to be my fault - I was nagging him too much, didn't make his dinner the right way, bath wasn't right temperature etc.

I really thought that he would one day change and become this totally new person who was madly in love with me - sadly that man only existed in my dreams and NOT in reality.

Only time I managed to break free was when he locked me in house for 3 days and endured me to some very traumatic abuse which involved me being hospitalised for 6 months.

Only then I realised what was going on wasn't right for me anymore and he did something that made me sick to the core and so I left and best thing I ever did.

I now in new relationship and am pregnant so all is going ok now!

Lx

Answer 2

I'm glad you hurt for it. That's a decent reaction to a complicated issue. But first a question of my own... "Why do abusive people go on being abusive"?

See, when you ask why the victim doesn't leave, the blame is put on the wrong person. But onward...

How bout a list? None of which include "They like it", "they deserve it" or "they have lost some brain cells".

Financial dependence
A history of leaving and being "found" only to be "returned
home"
Fear
A feeling of responsibility toward their partner, their children
in common
They may feel that to leave is to fail in the relationship
They have been convinced by the abusive partner that no one
else will have them
They have hope that things will improve
They believe the abuser will follow thru on threats of suicide
Despite the abuse, they love their partner

There are more, as many more as there are victims or survivors of domestic violence. As children, we learn what we come to believe men and women are like, how they interact, whether or not the stereotypes are true.

And MANY do leave. It is said that a victim leaves an average of 6 times before becoming finally free, but for many it's only once.

So, thank you for the way you stated your question, and if you know someone in trouble take the first two letters of your state (The postal code), such as CA for California, and add CADV (Coalition Against Domestic Violence) and look it up in the phone book. They will be able to give you information in your area to help.

Gentle thoughts..

EDIT...
After reading other answers I also have to say that it can happen to ANYONE, low self esteem or NOT. It is a total mistake to think YOU or anyone is immune to this kind of relationship. It's so easy to say "Oh it's this or that", because we don't believe we have "this or that", and so we can feel safer thinking it can't happen to us. Same with rape... "If she hadn't dressed so provocatively...". We can then think that because WE don't, it won't happen to us.

Sorry, but I've seen rich, poor, educated, professional, not so intelligent, famous people and even men become victims. There is no pattern, no recipe that fits the entire situation.

Don't kid yourselves... It CAN happen to YOU. Those who it does happen to are no different, and YOU NO BETTER.

Answer 3

This is something many ppl ask. I have been there and done that for 17yrs until I finally saught help. Most ppl who are being abused are brainwashed by there partners that they will not make it without them. Also there is something called the honeymoon stage, that happens after the abuse. The abuser becomes very remorseful and extra loving. Promises never to do it again. This what the victim is hopiong will happen. It never will unless the abuser gets help. It is a cycle that repeats itself over and over and the next thing you know you have wasted your whole life being afraid. Alot of ppl say that the person must enjoy it or they would leave. This is absolutely not true. There are shelters and much needed counselling out there. If you know someone or are someone being abused PLEASE get out while you can. My partner almost killed me before I got out. Believe me it happens. The abuser has no control over there anger and there actions. Good Luck, please please seek help to leave. You won't regret it down the road.

Answer 4

It is a very sad situation, and I hope I don't sound like a callous a-hole in answering this way, but I have seen this situation numerous times.

The person who keeps returning to the abusive partner has issues that needs to be addressed with counseling. I've seen this over and over. People who get beat, leave for a few days, then go back. Not only that, but they tend to find abusive relationships with other people. Sometimes these people will actual back away from loving, healthy relationships and unknowingly seek out abusive or demeaning relationships.
The way out of this cycle is strong support (family and friends), and counseling for the underlying problems of the victim.

Answer 5

They dont think they can do better.They are controlled mentally, the abuser has such a hold on them that they continue to believe, that if they make the change, coz its their fault, the abuser will change also... they lack self esteem, self worth....and they are not used to being treated good which can be just as scary as being abused when you know of no other lifestyle.The abuser tells them no one else will have them and so they go back, the abuser tells them he/she is the only one who will put up with their intolerable behaviour, the abuser becomes the victim by manipulating the actual victims weakened mentality....dominance and exclusive rights to that one person is not a seal of approval in their eyes, as their philosophy feigns to promote, but a licence to continue to abuse and degrade.Remember most abisers work on their partners for years and years destroying their confidence, until they have none left and cannot think for themselves, or they are not permitted to think for thrmselves and are to afraid to they end up not knowing whats right and whats wrong.They become in a sense dependent on that persons control.

Answer 6

you no what it is hard i have never been in one because i grew up in one and these men or sometimes women will wear down the victim until they are so low they deserve what they get beleive me i get annoyed i just had a friend leave and u no wot these abusers are the scum of the earth insecure and weak bullies.my mum went back back cos she was scared had no confidence and five kids but she did get away and she is the strongest woman i no and i try to help everytime i c this happening to the people i care for because i no the damage it causes but i understand y they do!!!

Answer 7

They do not always. however, some do for various reasons, they think this is love, they are confused, they lack self esteem and feel they are unable to do better or without the individual they are with, they are afraid of being alone. And the list goes on and on. Very sad. Anyone in this situation needs some help to realize this is not what love is and being alone is not the same as being lonely. God bless****

Answer 8

Abuse is a cycle.
It's a terrible thing to live in fear.
Most abused people have a very low self esteem.
They feel they don't deserve any better than what they are getting.... abuse.

Abused people need to be empowered. Either through therapy, or couseling or loving support of friends and family.

When being abused you may think there is no other alternative but to stay in the abuse... but there is. Find a way ... any way.. to break the cycle.

Answer 9

In the beginning everything is good > The abuse starts gradually first a little push next it may be a slap and then yhe punching and each and every time they are so sorry and promise it will never happen again ,they can't live without us and they might even cry so we forgive and things are good for awhile I guess we live for the good times I'm not sure who's sicker ,the giving or the one taking

Answer 10

it is a mental anguish....u feel trapped and u lose ur self. The abuser programs the partner to think like he does always tells u what u want to hear just to get that control back.