Ladies, what are your thoughts on.......?

Question

Having unrealistic expectations in marraige or relationships, that is said of us, therefore leading to divorce that apparently is brought about by our own selfishness?
Is it unrealistic and living in a fantasy world to expect a good partner/husband or do you think that it is realistic to expect of a man, the same as what is expected of us in a marraige or relationship?
Are we expected to love men just as they are? Well of course we are and we're happy to, we choose the partner who is most suitable for us and who we love.
But why is it that we as partners and wives are expected to change ourselves to suit some men? Why should we have to compromise ourselves?

Answer 1

I'm a guy, but I'm going to give it a go to give you another perspective...

I think most divorces are caused by unrealistic expectations - not just by women, but also by men. Having a family/being married is tough, but obviously is rewarding. It won't be all fun. There will be nights where you go to bed angry, and there will be mornings where you head to work without a kiss goodbye. There will be long nights where the baby is crying, and there will be sleepy days that you have to make it to Tee-ball games. People need to realize this.

The best thing anyone can do is try to understand these things. That means you have to compromise and work together with your spouse. If your spouse is not willing to work with you, then they are not worth having. If you are not willing to work with your spouse, then you are not worth keeping around. Plain and simple. In todays world, it is incredibly difficult for a family to survive on just one person's income. Even if one person makes 250,000 a year, lets face it, an extra 30-40,000 a year by having your spouse work a job is still a lot of extra cash.

What needs to be understood in a marriage is that one person must take the "hits." For instance, if someone had to skip work to watch the kids in the household I just described, clearly, the person with the lower income would be the one staying home. In households with equal incomes, the responsibility would need to be shared, just like the household duties would be split up.

Divorce is caused a lot by selfishness and lack of responsibility. How hard is it for a guy to do something sweet for the woman he loves a few times a year? He doesn't even have to do anything really expensive or extravagant. It could be as simple as sending the kids to the sitter's and cooking a romantic dinner and spending a night alone. Likewise, the woman has to keep up her end of the bargain too. The responsibilities of each spouse should be discussed prior to marriage, and it will change in time. It is no more right for a woman to expect her husband to plan a lot of romantic nights than it is for a man to expect his wife to have dinner ready when he gets home. Being willing to work together and compromise is what is the key to a healthy marriage.

Answer 2

EDITED TO SAY: Added the link, and notice they have online access, too.

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Personally, I think most of us do have unrealistic expectations to some degree, especially if we marry or form a committed relationship at a young age, and I guess when we are together with someone for a long time we tend to grow 'out' of that, or develop a more realistic view.

The key things that work in relationships which I have seen as good, long lasting relationships are 1) friendship and 2) communication.

That might sound simplistic, but the people I see in happy relationmships which have seen the ups and downs of life over many years (births, deaths, troubles, joys, etc) are that the people are good friends and companions who enjoy spending time with each other and are secure that their partner likes them as a person. This goes a long way to prevent jealousy, etc, most of which comes about because of insecurity.

The second thing is that the couple can talk to each other in a meaningful way, about important subjects, without getting embarrassed, confused or angry. Sometimes it's hard to speak out about something that troubles you about another person, but in a good relationship where the people respect each other and really listen, it can feel a lot safer.

Of course there are relationships that last for years with the people not really talking, looking for their friendship and companionship outside the relationship and just coming home for a cup of tea and a sleep.

That's fine too, if that's what the people want, but I really admire those oldies who are married 60 years and still talk about each other as best friends and good companions.

To me, that is so beautiful, and something to aim for.

If you feel your relationship is kinda going around in circles, maybe talking with a marriage counsellor might help?

A friend told me the new (Australian) government marriage and family centres are pretty good, I think you can contact them through Centrelink. I'll check it out and come back with a link.

Sorry if I'm mistaken and this is a general, not personal Q!

Cheers :-)

Answer 3

my thoughts are some what simple
as a women i feel i change my mind too much i think we just jump into it with out thinking of it so maybe too early marrage

also some of it does have to do with expectations!
i always thought if you fought with someone or even spoke your mind in a negitive way that there was no point in holdding the relationship down! but i was wrong!

as well as fairtails everyone agrues period

no one should change for anyone and if others would wait for a while you would see that most is jumping the gun!
all you see is what love sees and soon as someone says something like i don't like my hair they get a bad mark but it';s only 2 years but heck 2 years in a relationship with out a ring are you willing to wait 4 years?

see where i'm going!
never compromise try it out first and wait a few years then you will not have to!

Answer 4

I do indeed realize that this question is for "Ladies".

So, I hope you don't mind me tossing my two cents in.

It's true that many women expect a little too much, but in the end, who doesn't? Men expect more than women can offer, women expect more than men can offer, it's a rarity that one or both find someone that has everything to offer.

My relationship ended with my ex because I caught her in bed with some one else, quite an experience this was, in fact it gave me a whole new view of people in general.

I've noticed that men and women alike are less faithful, and every one is too shallow. This is true for nearly every country.

My thoughts on this; Women, if you want to expect a perfect relationship, then do what you will but be careful for you may end up hurting yourself, and remember that some times no one is worth crying over.

Have hope, but don't hope too much, hope is like having faith that something may not exist will save us, it may and it may not go as planned.

Answer 5

I don't know, but often times I find the solution to the problem I'm having with my husband can be fixed by changing my behavior. It's really quite irritating, but it's true. Now sometimes he really is just being an azz, but not always.

I think both genders have expectations that can be unrealistic.

Answer 6

It irritates me how many people blame "selfish women" for the increasing divorce rates. What people don't take into account is the fact that divorce has only become readily available to women in the last few decades. Before that time, if our husbands were beating us, there was no way out. If our husbands had mistresses, we had to accept it. Now, we can stand up for ourselves.

In cases of abuse, the increasing number of available safe houses for battered women are leading more victims of abuse to take a stand and end the marriage.

So, before many of you guys in here go around blaming women, ask yourselves this:

How many married men do I know get beaten, sexually abused, or openly cheated on by their wives?

Answer 7

Ideally it should be 50-50-but I think we all know it's more like 65-35. We know the women give the bigger percentage and probably always will. I sincerely wish it was 50-50-but I watch my own children in their marriages and I dont see that. I have one daughter who comes close to the ideal, but she says it takes 2 and they work at it all of the time. We should never have to compromise our basic values and if we do-it's time to go to a marriage counsellor or call an attorney. My point I guess, is, never give up trying to make it 50-50.

Answer 8

No person should have to compromise themselves to be in a relationship. That said, each person had better be willing to bring to the relationship as much as they expect from a partner.

Answer 9

I think it's difficult to figure out how to fight fairly in a relationship, since the majority of us are not taught how. You both need to be assertive, stand up for yourselves, but you both need to be willing to compromise. But the problem is, when do you compromise? When have either of you given up too much? What happens if your values turn out to be different, change over time, and it's no ones "fault"?

Personally, I found out that my ex-husband hid his values from me, because he was afraid I wouldn't love him, I guess. We were doomed to failure. In my second serious relationship, I think we were both very honest with each other, but over time, it became clear that my partner and I had very different values, that could not be compromised, without us both being miserable. We're not robots, sometimes we really do grow apart, others grow together.

If either of you compromises too much, it will eat at you, and will wear away at your relationship.

Answer 10

You make a good point. I have seen many marriages fall apart because Daddy's Little Princesses, married in fancy fairytale weddings, expected that they would continue to be treated as princesses by their new husbands other than as partners. They wanted to be brides, not wives. They wanted every day to be a honeymoon. They wanted to be taken care of forever like Daddy took care of them. Parents who raise their daughters like that do them a disservice.

We should go into marriage with our eyes open, and not bring preconceived ideas of what the other should do or be after the ceremony. Women who are mature enough to marry will not try to change themselves to suit men, and vice versa. OR try to change him.