Am i just crazy paranoid? Or on to something here?

Question

I have been with my fiancée for 5 years. We have a very good relationship. He has always had good manners and good morals. He has never given me reason NOT to trust him.
We have never had any relationship issues at all until this year. Last January, I was feeling uneasy and could not shake a very strange feeling. After some searching, I found out he had a profile on a dating site before we got together. Every now and then, he was getting emails titled " new matches"-he never bothered to delete the profile. One day, "bored at home" he opened one of the emails with the so called "matches". He retrieved his password and wrote to one of them. Now, this girl was a fair bit younger, very attractive and listed as a "car model". She had a pictures which in my opinion were almost "too good". The message wasn't sexual, but flirty and hurt alot. I confronted him and after denying it, he confessed.He allowed me to look through anything i wanted to prove it was just a moment of stupidity. Since then we have bought a house and got engaged. I thought i was okay, but as the day is getting close (5 months) I find myself still worried. He is very excited and is looking forward to the wedding. I on the other had go through phases where i am upset and worried all over again. I am unsure if it is just insecurities kicking in, cold feet or something else? I am quite intuitive and am often sure of my feelings... but this has me messed up! Another point to mention is that during this time, my father because terminally ill with cancer and passed away recently (my fiancée by the way was with me the entire time and really was a huge help to me and my family). Could this have something to do with the way i am feeling? For whatever reason, i am having a really hard time believing that people can be truly sorry for their actions and NOT repeat their mistakes. Is this just silly? Is this a red light that i have trust issues in general.. or am i onto something?

a few more things i forgot to mention... I have been watching closely ever since and have found nothing to prove otherwise. He has talked with me about it, anytime i have a need to bring it up and assures me that he understands that he did something wrong and is sorry for hurting me. My mother, knowing that there was an issue, spoke to us about the situation, at which point he broke down. She is a good judge of character and I trust her 100%. she believes that this was just a "moment of stupidity".. but me, i don't know anything right now :S

Answer 1

You are just afraid that he is going to do this again. He has tarnished your trust and it has hurt you. These things take time to get over. Your concerns are probably heightened by the fact that your wedding is drawing near which is very stressful in itself and could cause you to start finding excuses not to tie the knot.
You know in your heart if he is doing anything wrong. You said yourself that you were intuitive and that intuition led you to the dating site. If you have checked out things since and can't find anything....all seems well. It sounds like you are paranoid and worried of getting hurt again, which is only natural.
If you love this man you have to trust and believe him. You have to give him another chance. Everyone makes mistakes, but we should learn from them. Do you feel that he has learned from his?
A mother's intuition is very good....because she only wants the best for her child and usually can even sense what her offspring cannot, but if you still feel that something isn't right....follow your heart.
If you need someone to talk to, feel free to email me through yahoo answers anytime :).

Good luck and God bless

Answer 2

You have all the right to feel the way you do. He was wrong and what would have happened if you didn't find out, he probably would have went all the way. There will be plenty of times where he is going to be bored so is he going to go to a dating service every time. The fact that he didn't delete his profile years ago bothers me and should bother you. He loves you and he made a mistake but how many more mistakes is he going to make like that. Follow your mind and if you mind tells you not to get married, don't. I been there and I canceled the wedding. Yes I was embarrassed and hurt but I rather be single and stress less then married and stressed.

Answer 3

I think you *might* be over reacting just a teeny tiny bit, although you certainly have right to be upset.

I think you should let this one go... at least you didn't catch him in bed with someone else, and from the sounds of it he didn't even contemplate it with this other girl... he just sent one email.

I'm sure the ordeal with your father has you feeling very insecure... I know I felt that way after my father passed when I was 22 and did some goofy stuff to compensate that I can't believe I did now. If you love him and this is the only thing he has ever done to make you doubt your trust, I say try your best to give him the benefit of the doubt and move forward.

Answer 4

I believe you have trust issues or there is more that your not telling. If you can't trust him then please DO NOT get married. You will only end up in divorce, but in all honesty who does he come home to every night. He emailed once. I email everyday and I am not leaving my man for no one. I never cheated on him either. We have been together for 9 yrs and we are getting married this christmas eve. We have a 6 yr old daughter and planning another. It hasn't always been perfect, but we make it work. I don't even know the man and I honestly think it was a dumb mistake. The man was bored!! Get married and be happy or post-pone and deal with your issues. Goodluck to both of you.

Answer 5

This is a tough one. On the one hand I always deleted or deactivated any online profiles once I was involved with someone even at the start. But I'm probably in a minority. On the other hand it was only once? And he wasn't married yet and how young? I'd rather someone get all of the questions answered before if they need to than wonder the rest of their life.
The biggest issue I see here is the illusion that there could be someone better out there always in this guys head. He needs to value the girl who is there with him.

Answer 6

I went through some of the same stuff...and it was about 2 years ago. We are doing great too, but the whole thing really shook me. I don;t think he will do it again but I can understand how that can stay in the back of your mind. I think you should sit down with him and share your feelings. I think he would want to know and would appreciate you being honest and open with him. You don't want these feelings to get in the way of your special day. And you should be able to open up and talk to the man your going to marry. You need to make sure you trust him also, you don't want that to get in the way either!good luck!

Answer 7

You probably are having trust issues.....and rightly so...what he did would cause any woman to question future trust in their man....Maybe it was a moment of stupidity for him and he truly is sorry for what he had done...If he hasn't done anything further to suggest that he is looking to cheat...then you need to forgive him so you can move on with your life together...If you really can't shake this feeling...then perhaps you should call the engagement off until you are 100% sure you want to marry him...

Answer 8

I think you are just getting nervous or are trying to find a reason to put off the wedding. I would ask yourself, do you really, truly want to marry this guy. 100%?

I think he did just act on one moment of stupidity and I see no reason for you not to trust him. He sounds like a good man.

Answer 9

To me, that would've been grounds to dump him. I highly doubt it was a moment of stupidity of his part. It's not like "accidentally" clicking on a porn link....this guy actaully WROTE to her, and had to reactivate his account. It was a whole process. That was no accident, sweetie. He knew what he was doing.
The fact that he seems capable of cheating. Think 20 years from now...when marriage gets tough and REAL, is he gonna stray? My bet is yes. He already seems to have a wandering eye. You want to be the only woman out there to a man. You shouldn't feel paranoid like this.
If this was my best friend telling me this story, I would have told her to dump him the second she found that flirty email.

Good luck, hun!

Answer 10

Sound to me like you may be getting cold feet. You sound like you have a good man there, he had one moment of stupidity. At least he didn't act on it. Plus, he's willing to show you the e-mails and he acknowleged that it was a moment of weakness. I think you are looking too much into it. Let it go and get married.