Why would I need to tell my wife this?

Question

My wife has had a history of depression and is insecure. We are getting marital counseling and she is currently on meds. Every now and then, she presents me with this scenario: "what if a women comes up to you at work and hits on you, would you tell me?" and my response is always, "of course I would tell you, but that would never happen my love". Now if this were to ever happen, why should I tell her? It's just going to drive a wedge between us. Now I am worried that if my manager decides to hire a female, I will have to keep reassuring my wife that no one compares to her. I would never do anything to hurt my wife and I want to make things work.

I need additional advice other than "get counseling" or "bring it up to your therapist". Please don't say "divorce" either because I am a good man with values. I just don't want our marriage to be torn apart for something trivial.

yes, we are newlyweds and we got married WAY too early. But we love each other and we both want to make it work.

yes, we are newlyweds and we got married WAY too early. But we love each other and wanna make it w

Answer 1

Personally, I would never tell someone who is already insecure that someone else made a pass at me. That's just asking for trouble.

Answer 2

You are searching for something. Its ok you dont have to agree here. The real question you are asking is the " What if I meet someone who intrigues me more than my wife." Its ok. Somewhere along the line you got married for one reason or another and you are missing something. I dont know what that is but if your honest with yourself you do.
Obviously you have no intention of telling your wife. And that is ok too. There are plenty of secrets in a marriage. What is going to become a problem for you is that you cant hide in the home forever. You are going to meet someone who floats your boat, rocks your world, and grinds your gears in that exact order. The problem is who are you going to tell when this happens. You are going to have the biggest smile on your face that you cant explain.
What are you going to do. Is divorce an option? You say no but you have already thought of it. You mentioned counsel already and have pseudo dismissed it. Both are lame. You got married too young and you either have found someone or there is someone who you want to get to know. She does or might do everything your wife doesnt. She shows you how the "normal" people live. She might even be on the freaky side. Only you are going to be able to look in the mirror the next day. Im not going to tell you what a sinner you are cause that is a joke. Your thinking about doing. So either do it already or don't. Be prepared for the consequences if it goes wrong but no gestapo is coming to kick down your door if you do. Dont buy the lie.

Answer 3

I have to say that depression is a major thing and it has played apart in many marriages falling apart. i have battled depression for some time and I am married. My spouse works outside of the home and at times issues have come up. I must say that I was better off not knowing. It seemed to hurt me more just imagining this happening than anything. Nothing ever happened as far as him cheating but it is just the fact that the women were pretty aggressive and sure of themselves. My husband told me as soon as things happened and while it made things smooth at home, my heart wandered and my mind wondered what if he gave in.

You know her better than any of us this is why you choice her, you have to decide if she could handle the information positively or not. It is sort a loss loss situation though, I mean if you tell her she may slip into depression which is bad,but then if you do not tell her and she finds out on her own she may slip into depression. I really wish you the best in this. Hang in there with her though she really needs you.

Answer 4

Well, I think the biggest problem here is her insecurity. Although it is not your fault, you can do a lot you worsen or better it. This is something that takes baby steps but this is what I suggest....
Make her feel like you are always on her mind and that she is first and foremost in your life. I'm sure you feel that way but some woman need constant reassurance and she cant read your mind. Dont read to much into though, all I mean is call her a little more often, out of the blue on your lunch break at work. Pick her up her favorite candy when you stop at the corner store etc. It's so hard to give advice with a keyboard but good luck.

Answer 5

In any life situation such as work, the store, the park, someone will check you out when they walk by..it's human nature...but it's how you react is what counts.

I would tell her that you can't control how others are towards you but you and only you can control how you react back and you have no feelings for anyone other than your your wonderful bride. Tell her no one compares to her beauty.

Words are easy though..so follow through with constant reminders of your love. She sounds like she needs this right now for whatever reason. Call her during the day, pick up little presents such as a red rose, a funny card, build two snow people in the yard and tell her it's the two of you..and always take her on 'dates' even if it is just to a fast food place or a pizza if that is all you can afford, it's not really the place but the fact that you want to be with her...by doing this shows her that you want to show her off.

Never forget the romance and soon she will come to believe in your love.

No one said that marriage is easy. Hang in there. :)

Answer 6

Well,
#1:
Accept the fact that divorce may be necessary. If you take that tool out of your toolbox, you will be handing her the power to manipulate you in ways that you will come to regret.

#2:
All people have insecurity. It is not her fault. All people get hit on. It is not their fault. All you can do is assure her that you understand her feelings - validate her feelings. She is not crazy for feeling insecure. And you are not unfaithful for being hit on, or even LIKING being hit on. Maybe you're insecure too, and maybe you need your ego stroked once in a while. Right?

#3:
the competition game is really one that you can not win. No matter what you tell your wife, that she is way more beautiful, that you have no interest in others, etc - you can not beat her imagination. If you treat her like a crazy person, like a child whose feelings don't matter, then she will trust herself less, and trust you less. If you respect her feelings (and help her to understand that there is no threat to the marriage - and this is the hard part, no doubt about it), then you will make her stronger, and hopefully strong enough to deal with this everyday situation that all of us pretty much have to face.

Answer 7

Women need ego boosting too from time to time. When you come home from work tell her things like do you know you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.-or no one has ever been able to turn me on like you-God you are so sexy. I just can resist you when you look at me that way....ok so she will less likely need reinforcement or ask about anyone hitting on you. Women have probably have hit on you and you didn't know it because you are so in love with your wife you didn't even put a thought to it. You probably dismissed these as she is just being friendly. Depression strikes many women and all we need is love and support with a little reassurance especially as we age. The worst thing you can do is be defensive when she just wants a little security assurance from her man. Just make sure she knows that she is the apple of your eye or your dream girl. This makes my heart melt when my husband tells me these things.

Answer 8

Some women can be insecure... and sometimes it can be hard to get over some jealous ideas going through depression or not. The best thing to do--it worked between me and my fiance--is to just completely say how you feel about her, and tell her about your goals for the two of you in your relationship. Both of you feel the level of completeness with one another... which is why you guys are married. Remind her what initially attracted you to her and how it still applies today. No woman can take away your committment through a simple gesture as long as you turn her down... right?
Unfortunately, flirting in the work in place is inevitable because of social nature. As to telling her, I wouldn't find it necessary if they were just random occurences... But if they lead to the point if you feel guilty and even go out to lunch with co-worker (just mentioning some possibilites), then that is definitely when you should talk to her.

Answer 9

Insecure people are very fragile beings... I understand what you are saying about being hesitant to tell her, but by lying you would only be feeding her insecurities and fueling the fire.

I suggest you tell her that "yes, of course you would tell her", but if you really love her, you should take into consideration ALL OF HER, even her insecurities - and basically do everything you can to cushion her anxiety.

For example, if and when your boss hires a female co-worker, I suggest you bring your wife to work one day and introduce her to everyone, especially the female co-worker. Insecurities and jealousy come from "negatively awaiting the unknown", so basically, make it known.

Go out with co-workers, bring your wife. Make her interact with everyone and minimize any curiosity she may have... its not that difficult, just treat it as a fragile situation until she becomes comfortable and happy with the people you are surrounded with in the workplace.

good luck

Answer 10

The only thing you can do is keep reassuring her. You know her weaknesses. Encourage her and build her up. My husband has told me when women have tried to pick up on him and it was no big deal because I am confident of who I am and what I can offer to our relationship. This past year we had some serious marriage problems, and we are working through it, but there was a point where we would make comments that were not helpful at all to the healing. It was not even fighting, just dumb remarks. So, one day I looked my husband straight in the eyes and said, "Let's stop making these kind of comments. They are not something that are going to help us stay together." He agreed. My point is maybe you should just set it straight once and for all. Tell her you two can't live your lives in the "what if". You married her because you love only her and you're not looking to mess that up.

Answer 11

My wife used to get mad when females would flirt with me, I'm a nice guy and appeal to women especially when I talk about all I do for my wife. I on the other hand seldom notice when a woman is flirting with me, I just think she's being nice. Every day I tell my wife how beautiful she is, I tell her a thousand times how much I love her. and I don't delete anything off the computer so she sees things like this she knows I'm all about her. but we also point out people we think are hot and tell each other what we find attractive about them (this helps overcome jealousy) just thought I'd let you know how I handle it and maybe it will help you!!