mature and understanding people I need your help and wisdom?

Question

how to write or make a list of things that make you happy or unhappy in your relationship with your partner..I have been asked to do it (because of wanting to save our relationship) and I just dont know how to start and how to end it up..I dont want to hurt his feelings but there are very basic vakues in any relationship which lack of them makes troubles ( like , communication, honesty,commitment and showing your affections)and that is happenign in my relationship..I do love this guy and want to help us so I am going to do this list and needs ..Once again , I dont want to hurt his feeling but how can write that makes him think and realize the problems..I want to save my relationship not changing him but want him to be more considerate..

Need your advice and steps that is the best way of writting an impressive letter to a loved one to share your bad feelings.

I want a serious and mature advice..Avoid any too general and immature answers.
tnx friends.

Answer 1

For relationships to be loving and for people to be able to stay together, both parties must be willing to see their own areas of being stuck and how they are contributing to conflicts when they arise.

For love to grow, for you two to grow as a couple, you will BOTH have to change something about your behavior. Recognizing what you need to change about yourself is the key for each of you. Most often what we see in relationships is how the other needs to change, what you state here. Your spouse is going through the exact thing as you, seeing what you need to change about yourself. Okay, so this is a starting point in 'mediation', you will each make a list of how you are not happy and why this is so and how the other contributes to that. But in your list you should also try to put in those things which you know you need to change about yourself. (everything i write applies to him too, not just you.) Try to phrase and look at the things you want him to change about himself, as not being 'bad about him', but rather state what makes you unhappy. Keep the focus on yourself, on your feelings without trying to blame the other person and then offer creative solutions for how those things might be remedied.

For example:
I feel unhappy in this marriage, because I feel we do not communicate very well with each other. Perhaps can we set aside a time each week with a dinner to just discuss with each other in a sincere way what might be problems and how we can resolve them, etc.

Sometimes I feel you aren't being totally honest with me, because I see that you do xxxx or say xxxx. I want to trust you, but because of this, xxxx.. Ask for those areas to be cleared up.

There are worksheets you can do which can help you to see your own personality better, such as Katie Byron's the work. It's hard for us to see our personality clear, because we are the observer and the observed, we have a tendency to not see parts of ourselves that we don't like. In relationships you have an opportunity to grow and drop those parts of your personality, because it's the other - the spouse - that can see very clear those parts of ourselves. So know you will have to change and he will have to change, if you are both willing to do it, then your love will grow.

so in your letter, you could start out with the I want to save our relationship bit, then go onto I know I am not perfect and there are things I need to change about myself - write down a few here. Then say you are willing to change if he is willing to change, and that you see if you can both listen to each other and hear each other's criticsm without getting angry, then you can both see what the other thinks needs changing in the other.

Then you can list your feelings and how his behaviour makes YOU FEEL and what might be better.

Then say you want him to be as totally honest with you, and then after reading the letters let's set aside time to talk this out. This meeting is where the mediation will take place and each will have to surrender some part of the control, of getting their own way or believing they have only the correct view, and then will have to do something differernt in one's behavior according to what the other wants. You both should remain flexible to surrender getting your own way or of 'winning' or of wanting to be the righteous one. Realize you are both partly right and both partly wrong. Meeting in the middle is the key.

LOVE
xxxx

PS: Also include the postive aspects about yourself and your spouse and I also agree with free association writing suggested by another answer above. . Write and write about all your emotions and get it all out, then look it over to see what are your main feelings.

~~~~~~~
Betsy

Answer 2

Paris,
I was going to spend the first few sentences of this answer, congratulating you on making great steps in fixing your relationship. However, I think you are desperate for some answers and for a little "backup" that you are making the right steps. With that in mind, the list should consist solely of your feelings. That is what you were asked to do. Pretend for a second that he, specifically, isn't involved. Tell that list what you need. What you want. Because, without those needs, the relationship won't work. Any professional will tell you to focus on using words like "I" instead of "you" or "him". That's what I mean by pretending he's not involved. Focus on what YOU need. Then, when you're done with the list, ask yourself if you give him all of those needs. If you don't, then maybe you've figured out what you're not giving him. Remember that love is what will keep you together, and communication, trust, and honesty, even with yourself, is what will strengthen that love. Good luck and although, for this exercise you're going to pretend he doesn't exist, he still does.
NOTE: You are very courageous for taking the steps you have taken and every person in the world could gain a lot from learning from your actions...............................I couldn't resist :)

Answer 3

Maybe instead of writing a list u need to write a letter, telling him how u feel and ask for a letter in return. this way you can sit down and put your true and honest opinions and suggestions on what u think would help in this relationship. then make sure that you give him the opportunity to read his letter while u sit and listen and i mean just listen.... both of u need to learn to communicate ...it is the most important part of a marriage.. I wish i would of done that instead of rushing into a divorce . I'm glad that u are willing to take the extra steps to save your marriage ....its hard to say things that will hurt a loved one , but there are ways of saying them that will cause less damage. Read the letter aloud to him in a calm and soothing voice don't be afraid to cry and try not to accuse ...i hope this helps....my prayers are with you


r

Answer 4

How about this: On a sheet of paper write Positive things on one side and Negative things on the other

Sit down and really think about all the things that is going on in your relationship. One thing you have to remember is that the truth sometimes hurt and it must be told. SO without being spiteful make him understand before you read your list that the things that you are going to say is done out of love and not hate. It's constructive criticism and NOT destructive criticism.

And at the very end after saying both positive and negative things, you should end your statement with what you said (which I think is very powerful) : "I want to save my relationship not change you (him) but i need you (him) to be more considerate"

Answer 5

I agree with the first answerer in that feelings will most likely be hurt...possibly even yours. However, if you are each trying to save your relationship, this is the first step toward doing so.

I would fold a piece of notebook paper in half, and write all of his good qualities on one side, and his bad qualities on the other. You might be surprised to see that they come out fairly even.

In the meantime, he should be doing the same thing in regard to your good and bad qualities, as he sees them. Yes, the bad side of the paper may hurt each of you....but how else will you know what things need to be worked on, in order to save your relationship.

I wouldn't go on with a letter until after the lists were done in their entirety. Leave nothing out...and ask the same of your partner. Work with these lists, and maybe the next letters you'll be writing each other will be love letters...and not resentment letters. I wish you the best with this, and hope that all works out :)

Answer 6

try to express how his behavior is affecting your feelings
if he says he loves you then he needs to show it more.Don't attack him it will only make him defensive . Any relationship has its problems no matter what kind it is. be open and honest and let him know calmly what things he does to hurt you feelings. I'm sure he has some complaints about you well. So have him write a pros and cons list as well. Tell him you want to be a better person and you would like to get treated better .Tell him that you respect him and what he is trying to do now. that will help a whole lot. good luck friend

Answer 7

It is admirable that you love him and don't want to hurt his feelings. HOWEVER, beating around the bush will get you nowhere. Tell him you love him, you want your relationship to work, but you are troubled by his ______________(fill in the blank). Honesty is the only way to go in this case. You obviously are troubled and concerned about what is going on on his part, so why are you so concerned about his feelings? Problems such as this either work out or they don't. When they do, and you work through them as a couple, that will only make your relationship stronger. Like I said, though, it must be done as a couple and by confronting the problem head on. Good luck! :)

Answer 8

First, try free writing. Write everything that you feel about the person for as long as you can. The longer, the better. just write EVERYTHING. Then, when you think you have said all your emotions, that's the time you sort them and make your letter. Good luck!

By the way, I read this really cool quote. It says, "I have hundreds of reasons to leave you. But has only one great reason to stay - my love for you. And that's all that counts."

Answer 9

Just be honest. Remember men and women communicate differently, so be understanding of his different method of communicating. Maybe learning some of the fundamental differences between men and women will help you better understand each other.

For example women communicate to develop deeper bonds. Men use communication to establish position and fix things. Men can simply "shut down" and not think of anything for short periods of time, women cannot. Men can compartmentalize emotions. Meaning one thing does not necessarily relate to another for a man. Women tend to tie their emotions together.

Hope this helps.

Answer 10

you have one major problem... you want to "not hurt his feelings"

his feelings are going to be hurt and so are yours... you are trying to work through problems!!! If you both don't get hurt a little by the others list then you probably didn't do it right.

You should be HONEST... I'm not saying set out to hurt him... but if you aren't honest (which will sting) and if he's not honest (which will sting you) then you may as well give up now because it's not going to work.