I caught my husband looking at porn on my daughter's computer (more)?

Question

Ok let me add that ... We are VERY sexually active (like daily)..I am always open to try new things. I am very attractive and a professional -so I know that it's not me. I'm not a prude or anything like that. So I don't understand why the secrecy??? And when I caught him last night -he was mad at me, he yelled at me and was very defensive. That's why I believe there's more to it...That's why I am pissed off and want to leave him. So now what advice can u give me???

Answer 1

Could be he's yelling and defensive because he's embarrassed.

He's looking at porn, and you're thinking of leaving??

Something's missing in your question.

Answer 2

ok lets back this train up a little bit.
I understand that you may be an extremely sexually active couple. but that does not change the fact that men think about sex on average every 16 seconds. yes its true.
Him looking at porn on the comp is very normal and should not be frowned upon, the only reason hes mad is because you caught him, plain and simple. If my gf walked in on me watching porn I'ld probly get upset too, you're mind is going one way then bam you are caught completely off guard and left to feel vulnerable to attack, this would make any man either aprehensive/upset/or very embarrassed.

Now I hope I'm not being too bold here but if you are into trying new things and such, maybe you 2 could watch together.

and do not forget, all men masturbate, even if they have sex daily, its part of the routine.

Answer 3

ok...here's an observation:

It's like being a kid with your hand in the cookie jar. Yelling is the most likely reponse, because the sense of privacy has been yanked away, and all is bare to see. A mixture of anger, fear, frustration, GUILT and other emotions spill out. It's not right, but it's pretty natural.

Obviously, there isn't a way to really discuss it fully from the information provided, but some possibilities...

He may be interested in porn but believe you would not be, and would be repulsed by his interest

He may have a specific interest that he is sure you don't share, and he is trying to sate that interest.

He may just want a private "fantasy" he doesn't have to share with anyone.

I guess the question is...what is the "more to it" you are concerned with? Is it possible he has some sort of relationship with a porn star or model? It's not likely, but what are you suspect of? It may be nothing more than just that he was interupted in something he already felt uncertain or guilty about...a defensive reaction is perfectly natural, even if it's not appropriate. Remember, people don't think normally when they have received a shock, and I'd say he got one big time! Talk to him about it...maybe it's just that he got caught.

If looking at porn online was something that there was "more to", then adolesent males all have "more to" them all across the globe!

Good luck to you.

Answer 4

The one thing I would be pissed about is that he is using my daughter's computer to access his porn. He could accidentally leave this crap on her computer, which is outragious! You also need to understand that this is not about you, or how often you guys have sex. Doesn't have anything to do with how attractive you are, or that you're a professional. It's about your husband's need for privacy. He was angry and he became defensive because he was caught, and because he felt that you invaded his privacy, although he should not have been accessing porn on his daughter's computer! Furthermore, you need to check her computer, to be sure this crap doesn't somehow pop up again.

I can understand how upset you are, but you must seperate yourself from this and deal with HIS behavior. No doubt, he's been looking at porn for a while. It's something that belongs to him and he doesn't want to share it with you. This is true of most men who are into porn. The secrecy is actually part of the thrill. Were it me and we had a good sex life, as you guys obviously do; I might let this go (as long as he no longer uses my daughter's computer). It's up to you, of course; but he's probably not ready to stop the behavior; so you might want to find a common ground, if you plan to stay together. The idea of you watching porn together will only work, if he's willing to give up his desire for privacy (which he'll probably only do temporarily).

If you want to leave him, at least do it for the right reason. If his behavior is not acceptable, and you don't want to deal with it, that's reason enough to leave--regardless of anyone else's opinion. But if you're simply angry about the secrecy thing, that's another issue. As I mentioned before, the secrecy is part of the thrill. He might tone it down, now that he's been exposed. And though I'm not down with porn, don't we all require some level of privacy in our lives? Whatever you decide, remember that this is not about you. It's about him and how you want to deal with his behavior.

Answer 5

Now this is weird.

He could be defensive for the reasons suggested above. But if I've been with a girl long enough and she knew all of my kinks then there shouldn't be a problem with talking about porn on computer. But the fact that he doesn't want you to know about it and you seem pretty sexually active disturbs me.

You're a professional so I assume he is also. Why doesn't he have his own computer? I have my own laptop and I keep all my porn on there. I wouldn't dare think of using anyone else's for that stuff.

I think he's gotta come clean about it. Besides, you're married! What the heck is he doing keeping secrets in a marriage? Try to work it out. But I'd be careful on this one.

Answer 6

first off, I think you are over reacting. It is natural for someone to be upset when they are caught doing something wrong. that is why people get mad at police for stopping them when they violated a law. Don't take the porn personally. Most men, and even some women are entertained by porn. Your husband probably felt guilty about looking at it and was upset about being caught. Instead of running away from the situation, why not have a heart to heart talk with him about it. Ask why he felt he needed to look at it? Tell him how it makes you feel. It may open some insights into your relationship. Most importantly, try not to get upset or make accusations... Just talk and really listen...

Answer 7

Probably a defensive reaction. He probably thought you were going to flip out and so he tried to pass the blame. Every human does it instictively when we are in trouble-try to look for a way out. Find a way to NOT be in trouble.

I wouldn't have a problem with him looking at porn, but I would have a problem with him doing on your daughter's computer. Kids are smart these days and she can probably figure out how to see the sites he was on. She doesn't need to know what daddy looks at when he is umm.....standing at attention.


You guys need to discuss what is ok and isn't. If you don't want him looking at porn at all-let him know. If you don't care but dont want it on a computer a child has access to, let him know. Sit down and TALK about it. No yelling. No accusing. Tell him that you are more upset about his reaction to you catching you and it looked suspicious, even though you would have never even thought he would cheat on you. Tell him HOW YOU FEEL without playing the blame game and what can be done differently to avoid this in the future. Don't confront him into a corner and make him defensive though-otherwise he will either just shut down or he will yell, like he did last night. He felt trapped in a corner and that was the only way (he thought) out of it.

Answer 8

well, first of all, he shouldn't have been looking at that on your daughter's computer - she could go back through the web history and see what he was seeing.

That said, there is nothing wrong with looking at porn - it provides an escape and a way for us to fulfill our fantasies without hurting the ones we love by actiong them out with real people. You have no right to be jealous of the porn - that jealousy only reveals your own insecurities. For example, you felt the need to preface the question by reassuring us how "attractive" you are, because, in your mind, the first thing you thought was that we would all assume you were not attractive. THat means you have a negative opinion of yourself, and that's the problem.

Whether he has a right to get angry or defensive depends on how YOU behaved when you caught him. We you flipping out, yelling, etc.? If so, he was right to be defensive considering your unjustified outburst. If not, then maybe he just feels ashamed.

Instead of brow beating him, why don't you watch too, and have fun with it together?

Answer 9

Sushi Girl,
Although I do not want to make any claims as to whether or not there is "more involved", I do want to suggest that you not look so deeply into the issue. I am married and very happy with my sex life with my wife. We are very active in sex, and often explore new "things" to spice up our sex life. We are very open about our conversations regarding sex and expressing our like and dislikes. However, I have "caught" my wife several times watching porn and "enjoying herself" without me. Soon I discovered a fact that strengthened my marriage more than anything else ever had. "Sometimes, a person can get more satisfaction by themselves." This doesn't mean that I can't satisfy my wife, and that we don't have a great sex life. It means that sometimes my wife enjoys having sex alone. In her own little fantasy world. And in fact, it further helps to better our sex life, because, when she's comfortable, she'll bring some of those private moments into "our" sex life and BAM....good sex all around :). The more of thought about this, the more I discovered that I too enjoyed a little alone fantasy time in the shower :). So overall, you should be happy about your husband having alone time regarding sex. He probably got defensive because you were attacking. Talk to him, let him know that you're ok with it and that you love him. I bet you'll be suprised by his reaction. Besides, isn't that the point of a good sexual relationship.....to be open.

Answer 10

First, leaving someone just because they look at porn seems excessive to me. He may have been defensive only because he felt you wouldn't approve of it. No matter how sexually active we are, porn is still exciting. I know many couples who watch porn together. It's a good way to break up any monotanny, and also to get good ideas to share with your monogomous partner. Remember, just because you have a fantasy, doesn't mean you want to act on it.

I do find it weird he looked on your daughter's computer. That is an issue that should be discussed. Before you do anything rash, talk this out with your husband. I'm sure this is nothing to warrant a divorce over.

Answer 11

First of all, point out to him that if he's looking at that stuff on your daughters computer, she WILL be able to find a way to see it, whether he deletes it or not - it'll be in the history, cookies, recycling bin, everything else. Also advise him that porn usually puts spyware on the computer, so if anyone is putting ANY personal information on there (SS#s, full names, phone numbers, credit card #s, etc), ANYONE can get to the information and steal your identities.

As far as the whole watching porn thing goes, just talk to him. Tell him your not mad at him, and if he wants to watch porn, you two can go to an adult store and purchase some instead of putting your daughter and your identities in danger.