I want to tell my inlaws to go f themselves!?

Question

I have been w/ my husband for 11 years. He has always been considered the black sheep of his family. When he was a teenager he did some things to deserve this, but now he is respectable, has a good job and a nice family of his own. However, my mother-in-law, father-in-law, sisters-in-law and brother-in-law treat us very badly. They make snide remarks, don't invite us out with them and don't treat our children as fairly as the other grandchildren. I wish we could just write them off and have nothing to do with them, but my husband sticks up for them and for some reason feels he deserves this for what he put them through as a kid. This leads to many fights between us. I hate to see them treat my husband and now me and my kids this way. We only see them on holidays and birthdays, but with Christmas soon approaching I am beginning to dread it. How can I make it through? Should I say something, if so, what can I say that won't uspet my husband?

Answer 1

How about changing your reaction instead. You know they don't think too highly of him, so you and your children are guilty by association. If you don't care what they think, and you know you have a good man and a good family, why give their opinion any value? You only have to see them a few times a year, so to keep the peace, I would just ignore them. Your husband would probably be resentful towards you if you were to say anything, and you don't need to make this a bigger issue in your marriage than it already is. The only reason I would open my mouth is if they openly insulted one of my children, but as long as they at least give the appearance of loving my kids, even if it isn't as much as the others, I would say nothing.

Answer 2

I can relate a bit. My husband and I were going through the same type of stuff. He actually did me a favor by deciding it wasn't healthy for him to be around his mom. He's a recovering alcholic and she drinks - so its best for him. I would say that regardless of how messed up the parents are, the kids will love them - its all he knows. So you can't really ask him to give up what he knows, but that doesn't mean its okay to take the abuse either. Your relationship is more important than fighting over something you can't change - his family. He probably knows that no matter what he says or does - they aren't going to change - besides its been going on for too long. Holding him accountable for their behavior isn't right because its out of his hands. Sure he can confront them, attack, but there is still no good or change that will result from it. Instead of fighting with him, it would make more sense to be more accepting of him. Its clear you could be making him feel just as worthless as they do if you are too hard on him over his family. Start your own traditions and keep things in your home. That way they have to step out of their comfort zone and into your domain if they want to share those special moments. Make sure he does set boundaries and keep things in check when they are under your roof. Tell him you have always wanted to have your own traditions, and now its more important than ever with your kids to start. Good luck and I really feel for you on this. I know how this can affect a relationship.

Answer 3

Just deal with them the best way you can. You don't have to suck up or nothing but at least be the better person. As they say Kindness will kill a person. I have a similar situation only my husband has a daughter before me and i have four kids of my own and i feel like his family always try to push his biological daughter ahead of my kids at home which aren't his biologically. They invite us over at times but you can clearly see the difference in the way they are with the kids. My husband from my understanding has never been a problem child. I just think it's a problem because he took on a woman with four kids. but we don't ask them for nothing. In fact we don't ask anyone for nothing. If we can't get it ourselves then we just go without. i work full time and always have since i've been with him but still they make me feel like i had to have my husband for some type of support. I have always from the beginning told him how i felt and he seems to make excuses for them as well.
i just started looking over them because i didn't marry them i married him. And as long as we make each other happy then thats all that counts. I know the feeling but sometimes we have to take the good with the bad. you can tell him how you feel and maybe limit your time around them.
Your husband should not feel like he deserves this type of treatment from his own parents. Everyone has a childhood past that they might regret. But thats no reason for them to treat him badly.
you could try talking to them and asking them why they act the way they act but it might cause an even bigger confusion or reaction than you bargain for. Just pray and try not to let it interfere with your marriage!

Answer 4

My mother goes through this with her in-laws...they have always treated us kids as though we were never as good as the other kids...I can tell you what my mother has always done. I hope it helps. Just take a deep breath, say a little prayer, put on your best face, and smile. Its hard, I know...but I'll tell you this, I have cut them out of my life. I don't have to deal with my grandparents. My dad sees this now. I dealt with it for over 25 years, and your husband will see this when your children grow up. Just know that Christmas is about the kids. My mom always made sure that she paid extra attention to us when we were there at her inlaws house, and I know that she loved us, and that was what mattered. I don't know how much it will help you out...but its always worth the try

Answer 5

Hi, I really feel for you and your kids. Your husband is an adult now and the past should stay in the past. Your husbands responsibility is you and these children. Fighting over the past is such a huge wast of time and what is the point, no one wins! Your husband needs to stand up as a husband and father and tell them he is done with it. These children do not need to be in the middle of these stupid fights!!! They will suffer. Good luck and I hope things work out for you.

Answer 6

Well this probably wont help, but I feel your pain. Except my mother-in-law is fine to my husband, he is her baby, but treats me and the kids like the black sheep. My husband has talked to her about how we feel, but things never change. I know it his mother, and I wouldn't want him to disrespect my parents, but enough is enough. After 12 years, I still cant find the right thing to say to her about the situation. It will all be turned back on me. I will be watching this question for a good answer.

Answer 7

I went through something similar to this and it is hard, but it is family.
This worked for me.
Think about the in-laws in terms of their interest, hobbies or general thoughts. Read about those things so the next time you are together, as soon as one of them says something negative, acknowledge with a short response, then quickly change the subject by bring up one of their likes/dislikes, hobby, or whatever.
After a few visits of this, my in-law started backing off their attacks. Some were even nicer.
Strange!

Answer 8

Does your husband feel the same way you do?? If so, Stop going to their house for the holidays. your husband isn't blind you now he can see what is going on. if he feels the same just talk to him and tell him you would rather spend holidays elsewhere or at home with your own kids. make it different this year. not the same scenario every year and see if he will go for it.

Answer 9

Your Husband will always defend his family. its a natural thing, If they are saying things to him then let him deal with the emotions, maybe he feels that he was wrong and this will make up for it. However, if the family is saying things about you or to you and your children, I would just avoid the situation and tell your Husband either you need to stick up for me or that is it. Make him see how bad that this is hurting you.

Answer 10

I UNDERSTAND YOUR SITUATION AND SADLY ENOUGHT SOMETIMES GRANDPARENTS DO THIS TO GRANDKIDS AND THEIR OWN KIDS.


BE UNDERTANDING TO YOUR HUSBAND HE IS IN A DIFICULT POSITION. HE HAS ALWAYS WANTED ACCEPTANCE FROM HIS FAMILY AND THAT IS SOMETHING HE HAS TO DEAL WITH ON HIS OWN. ALL YOU CAN DO IS BE SUPPORTIVE. LET HIM BATTLE THIS ONE. YOU CAN SUGGEST TO HIM WHAT HE SHOULD DO BUT HE HAS TO DEAL WITH IT ALONE.

FROM PAST EXPERIENCE I HAVE LEARNED TO NEVER MAKE A FIGHT BETWEEN MY HUSBAND AND I ABOUT HIS FAMILY. REMEMBER ANY FIGHT IS A NEGATIVE FOR YOUR MARRIAGE AND YOU DEFINETELY DONT WANT TO GIVE HIS FAMILY THAT PLEASURE.

WHAT I USED TO DO IS, IF MY HUSBAND BROUGT UP A SUBJECT THAT I KNEW WAS GOING TO LEAD TO A FIGHT. I WOULD JUST TELL HIM. "NOTHING I SAY WILL CHANGE YOUR PARENTS SO LETS JUST AGREE THAT WE DISAGREE ON THIS PARTICULAR ISSUE". AT THE BEGINING I WOULD GET FRUSTRATED BECAUSE I WANTED TO GIVE HIM A PIECE OF MY MIND ABOUT HIS PARENTS, BUT TECNICALLY THEY ARE STILL AND WILL ALWAYS BE HIS PARENTS SO HE IS GOING TO DEFEND THEM. SO YOU CAN TRY THAT, IT MIGHT HELP YOU.

NOW ABOUT YOUR KIDS AND THE WAY THEY TREAT YOUR KIDS. FOR THAT YOU DEFINETELY HAVE TO PUT A STOP TO IT. SPECIALLY IF THEY MAKE A MEAN COMMENT OF SOMETHING LIKE THAT. YOU DONT WANT TO BE RUDE BUT BE FIRM AND MAKE YOUR POINT. NOW REMEMBER IF THE GRANDPARENTS DONT LOVE YOUR KIDS AS MUCH AS THE OTHER KIDS, THAT IS SOMETHING YOU CANT MAKE THEM DO. IT'S WRONG BUT YOU CANT MAKE THE LOVE THEM. BUT IF THEY ARE PURPUSELY MAKING THE KIDS FEEL BAD YOU DEFINETELY SHOULD SAY SOMETHING ABOUT. AND MAKE THAT POINT TO YOUR HUSBAND. THAT YOU UNDERSTAND THIS IS HIS FAMILY AND THEY HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO TREAT HIM THE WAY THEY WANT, BUT THE CHILDREN THAT IS A DIFFRENT STORY. WHEN YOU TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND MAKE SURE YOU DONT YELL AND SIMPLY TELL HIM YOUR POINT.

YOU HAVE TO BE SMART TO FIGHT THESE PEOPLE, BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS THAT YOU KEEP YOUR MARRIAGE AND FAMILY TOGETHER, REGARDLESS OF WHAT HIS FAMILY MAY DO OR SAY.

GOOD LUCK