we have a spat and she won't let it go. we go in circles, and circles, and circles and circles. I allllways apologize weather I believe I am wrong or not yet she just keeps the circle going. Finally I end up just saying "I have better stuff to do. I apologize...its over with" and I go do my thing. How do you stop the circle? Is it just me or is this a common occurence with women? ( I have 2 sisters). Going in circles ends with fustration and a bigger fight than it should have been in the first place. How do you train a woman to just "let it go"? (I know "train" is inappropriate but you know what I mean)
2007-12-04 00:19:49 · 23 answers · asked by Steeplechaser 1 in Social Science ➔ Gender Studies
Train? LMAO
Look, if you don't want to get into the "circle" stop participating. If you keep on going, she'll keep on going. So when an argument starts, simply refuse to participate in it.
And no, ALL women are not like this. That was a pretty silly thing for you to ask.
2007-12-04 00:22:59 · answer #1 · answered by kja63 7 · 8⤊ 1⤋
You don't. People have circular arguments because they are not resolving the issue in their mind. Most of the time this is because they refuse to accept the alternatives.
What you have to do is put the control in her hands to end the argument. Say, "okay, I give - what do you want to do to solve this?" Often they will provide a solution that is not a solution. "Well you're a lazy bum and always will be so there's no answer!" What you do at this point is, somehow, tell them "there are solutions to this, you just don't like any of them. Sometimes you have to compromise a little." Then you lay out the logical solutions . . . and let them choose.
It's the best you can do, like the old saying says, you can lead a horse to water . . .
2007-12-04 00:27:00 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Train? You're right. It's inappropriate.
As for your question, stop apologizing if you don't think you're wrong. Whether you believe it or not, your wife can tell that you're doing that and the reason she doesn't let it go is because you're not saying what you should. She's not looking for an easy win. She's looking for a resolution that tells her what she needs to know. Yes, women like to win arguments, but we RESPECT men who can argue constructively and assert their points in a fair manner. You're not hearing the end of the fight because you're not doing your part. You're caving in and that causes her to lose respect for you. It makes you seem like a coward and women RARELY respect cowards.
You want it to stop? You want her to respect you? Then be honest instead of trying to be cunning. If you're right, say so and then tell her why. When she counters that argument, counter it right back until either she admits you're right or until you realize you're wrong.
Oh and yeah, if you've done something that causes her to get emotional, and you KNOW you did wrong, apologize, hug her and let her get it out and calm down. Then be willing to talk about it. Women like to communicate. It's as simple as that, and many of us don't understand why men don't want to talk about their feelings right back. Yeah, I know....guys DON"T like doing that, but some women have trouble understanding that. If you want peace, learn to meet her half way. The good news is, if you do a good enough job, you won't be asked to do it very often. All she wants in those cases is a little reassurance, love and attention. Give her what she wants and the arguments will lessen.
Last, walking away saying you have better stuff to do is just helping her to build up steam for the next fight. I know it seems reasonable to a guy, but to a girl it's a slap in the face.
Good luck.
2007-12-04 03:37:17 · answer #3 · answered by Top Alpha Wolf 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
AH!! From what I have read, I know exactly what the problem is here :-)
The line where you say that you appologise whether you think you are right or wrong. THIS is the problem here.
Why does your wife keep trying to drum her point into you after you appologise? Because she doesn't want you to just agree with her to stop the argument, like 'ok, I'm sorry I agree!' just to end it. She keeps going on because she wants you to not just agree, but actually understand what she is telling you.
It's not your wife that has the problem. Instead of jsut 'giving in' to let it go, tell her that you understand her points and why you understand them (if you think she is right) and if not calmly state your points. If you can't come to a conclusion, (and I don't know what you argue abot) but you'll just have to agree or disagree, as you love eachother.
2007-12-04 00:32:33 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 1⤋
There is actually a very simple answer- she doesn't feel like you get it all the way or that you really understand and are really listening to her. You aren't listening- you just want to apologize and get it out of the way. That's not helping her in any way. If you're not careful, she'll resent it more and more. One way to show you are listening is that you can repeat back what she just said. Say to her, "You're frustrated because..." and then ask if you are right. Then, when you do apologize, be specific. "I'm sorry that I did such and such. I know that really bothered you because...." Wow, will you win some major points! Read the book, "What Women Want Men to Know." It will answer and thoroughly explain all your questions. :)
2007-12-04 06:37:51 · answer #5 · answered by StrawberryMama 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hey douglas --well from a womans perspective i can only say depends on how they were raised and hormones lol, some woman are pretty calm and some just are like that, but from my experience since girls run more in my family that's just the way it is sometimes so either find a way to not argue or keep on and be miserable.
2007-12-04 01:04:44 · answer #6 · answered by linda m 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sometimes I argue in circles...but the main reason I do that is because I don't feel the issue has really been resolved.
It's usually because I don't think the other person has apologized genuinely enough for what happened, or because they still haven't said or did the right things. Silly, I know, but that's how it is. When those things happen, I can put it out of my mind.
2007-12-04 00:33:06 · answer #7 · answered by G 6 · 4⤊ 2⤋
You might try taking a couples class where they teach you how to discuss differences and to compromise.
You could also try repeating back to your wife what she is saying so that she knows you are hearing her. Sometimes when people won't drop something it's because they don't feel that their feelings have been validated. Note: I didn't say you have to agree with her, but rather just acknowledge that you are actually HEARING hearing what she is saying and will think about it.
2007-12-04 02:14:31 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
probably because you're wrong in the first place and like a rabid dog (I know "rabid dog" is inappropriate but you know what I mean) - you won't let go. An apology follows the end of the discussion after being resolved. Apologizing INSTEAD of reaching resolution is what keeps it going. It's about who's not listening or learnng that gives the argument eternal life.
2007-12-04 02:58:44 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Listen my friend.....it is better to stay cool and don't respond when they rant and rave......I've been married for over 20 years....and spats are a normal occurence between spouses. Nowadays...I just stay "CALM" and let her vent....eventually she calms down and we are cool again. Mostly it's petty stuff....so that's why you have to be the bigger person and just stay "CALM" ....don't mouth off back because that's fuel....it'll just egg her on more and the "circle" continues. You cannot 'train' your wife....but you can make small adjustments that she eventually realize she's being petty.
2007-12-04 00:25:18 · answer #10 · answered by Calm 4 · 4⤊ 0⤋