why does my wife insist on arguing in circles?

Question

we have a spat and she won't let it go. we go in circles, and circles, and circles and circles. I allllways apologize weather I believe I am wrong or not yet she just keeps the circle going. Finally I end up just saying "I have better stuff to do. I apologize...its over with" and I go do my thing. How do you stop the circle? Is it just me or is this a common occurence with women? ( I have 2 sisters). Going in circles ends with fustration and a bigger fight than it should have been in the first place. How do you train a woman to just "let it go"? (I know "train" is inappropriate but you know what I mean)

Answer 1

When people keep on going in circles, they want to hear something that will satisfy them. Unless you're a mind-reader there is no end to this.

What you do is state the facts like this is 1, then this is 2..etc. then present the solution.

Once she said yes, wrap it up and end the conversation.

Answer 2

This is a very common problem in relationship communication. The reason for this is because instead of identifying the problem and finding a solution the argument is prolonged into a listing of every problem that still hasn't been resolved.

In order to get away from this you have to actually determine what the problem is and then come up with a list of ways to solve it. That is the only way to come to a resolution. Since you have identified this particular issue you can now start to find the skills to stop the cycle. I suggest a notebook with a start up list of how to stay on track. It should include such things as---What is the actual problem?
Don't deviate to other problems.
What do you think a solution is?
What does your partner think a solution is?
Are the solutions compatible?
If not is there another possible solution?

Walking away is not the way to end an argument. Only solving the problem truly ends it.

Answer 3

Try asking her what is REALLY the matter. Ask her to really carefully think about why she is so angry. Also, suggest to her that she write down things she wants to talk to you about, so that she can refer to the list instead of blindly groping for her thoughts and going in circles. I can remember the few times I tried to talk to my ex about something which was bothering me, I had so many different things I wanted to talk about, I forgot about them all, which made me talk in circles, without head or tail, and end up completely unsatisfied with the conversation. Tell her to write you a letter / or many letters, that was she can take her time thinking over what is bothering her and present it to you in a more intelligible manner.

Set aside a day / morning / afternood when you two can talk. Prepare for this, maybe read any letters she could give you a few days earlier, take your time thinking about them, and preparing your answers, so you two can discuss whatever is the matter clearly and productively.

Imagine you two are a small company or something, try applying more professional problem-solving techniques than arguing in circles. Tell her that you'd like to do a problem-solving session in about a week's time, both of you prepare your arguments, ideas, statements etc., or write each other a letter saying how each other's actions make you feel, etc.

There is a way out if this circle, but you need to make an effort. If your wife is arguing with you, it means she's not happy in the relationship. Ask her why? She should be able to give you an exact answer. She can also give you an alternative or possible solution which you may then want to discuss further.

Remember, women can't just "let it go" like "that", in this we are simply different than men are, and you have to accept that if you want to lead a happy married life. Once you pay your wife the attention she seeks, you'll learn she'll be able to start learning how to be more relaxed about things. The question is, do you really care and are you ready to do some work in order to solve your problems?

Answer 4

This is a sign of an abuser. Whether they are right or wrong, they turn every argument back on the other person. The problem with arguing is the fact that only the abuser can win the argument because they always place them-self in the right category and the victim in the wrong category.

No matter how much the victim argues, they can never convince the abuser of the error in their thinking. The victim usually capitulates.

Unfortunately, without counseling, the abuser will never change. They will always see their reasoning as correct and their victim's as wrong.

Take care,
Troy

Answer 5

Oh...Douglas, Douglas, Douglas.....

Women have more words to use per day than men do. We utilize our words to whomever will be our captive audience (spouse, significant other, friends, sisters, mothers, etc. less likely the children)

We have things to say and unfortunately, some women and men mind you, have not mastered the art of tactful lingual engagement. Some people will curse, say mean things, go on and on and on...until someone snaps. Usually the brighter of the two will give in, thus realizing that its a mute point to continue.

Sounds like you are frustrated and rightly so. You and your wife had words and you didn't get to use all of yours. You are in a lose lose situation. If you ignore her, she continues and if you argue, it fuels the fire.

Try just standing there and looking at her until she realizes you aren't participating. Then walk away. Come back later as though nothing ever happened.

Answer 6

It is indeed a common practice with women - and actually, men do it as often. Your only problem is, when she starts going in circles, you don't stop arguing immediately. She knows if she keeps pushing your buttons, you're eventually going to back down. It's a cheap way to win, but she does win. It gives her a sense of power over you. If you really want relief from this problem, look at my second sentence and you'll see how to obtain that relief.

Answer 7

This is not a trait that is solely for women, but it does sound like something that people do when they have poor communication skills. She goes in a "circle" b/c she has a point that she wants to convey, but she doesn't know how to articulate it clear enough to get it out and over with. Try asking her what it is that she needs to get off her chest, and try to be as patient as possible while she rambles on through it.

Answer 8

Its not a thing specific to women but it is most commonly found in women and interpreted as nagging.
Being "right" is more important than actually being right - so when you concede and say "Ok so it's my fault I apologise" she gets a real buzsz out of it so will do it again - she gets a rush of adrenaline from being right.
For many women, being wrong has a deep emotional impact that they cannot cope with, so even if they know they are probably not right they will keep going until you say they are - and you will concede just because you want a quiet life and harmony is more important than who is right or wrong (in 99.99% of arguements both partners are right AND wrong). Conceding in these situations is not cowardice, it is wisdom, just it sounds like in your scenario she gets such a buzz from it she brings it round again.
I personally believe the female obsession with being right is healthy and originates from them being birthmothers thousands of years ago and defending only what they believe is right for their children.

Answer 9

I know the feeling. There is no right answer or nothing you can do, sometimes women just need to "let it out" to make themselves feel better. I had tried appologising, doing everything possible to understand and make it right, seemed to be of no use. Have you ever tried yelling back, that's about the only thing i did not try.

Answer 10

They never let go of anything, every fight is ammunition for the next one. Because you think it is made up over and forgotten don't think that a wife thinks that. She just puts it in her WAR chest for later use.
You can't start over with them, there is never a new beginning. I think this is why there are divorces , you start to think I would be better off trying this again with someone else because she will never get over anything.