How do I tell my friend I think her son is Autistic?

Question

A close friend, who I consider family, recently was blessed with two little boys just a year apart from each other. Her youngest son is happy and cuddly and doing very well. Her oldest son is 2 years old, hes amazing and Im very close with him. After spending our lives around children, however, my mother and myself have been noticing that this little boy is different somehow. I have background in child psychology and my mother is a pediatric nurse, so we both spotted some of the early signs of Autism about ten months ago.

Now, after celebrating his 2nd birthday, he still doesnt speak, he doesnt interact with others, and it's breaking my heart. How do I tell my friend about my concerns for her son?? I cry about it because I know she will be devastated, but I know early diagnosis is crucial. Regardless of the outcome, our family will love and support her and her little ones forever. They're a big part of our lives, so whats the best way to help them? Any advice???

Answer 1

Firstly, is your friend concerned about her son's development? If she is a good friend and is aware of your background & qualifications has she asked for your advice or input?
Secondly, is she seeking any professional advice? If the child attends day care, have the professionals there any concerns???
Perhaps ask her what the doctor has said about his development? Be very gentle, your input may not be wanted. Probably deep down mum knows she needs to get him checked out but might need a gentle push.
Broach the subject but don't push too hard unless you are asked. If you shut down a friendship by pushing too hard you may not be able to be there to help when she finally is ready to do something about it.

Answer 2

From the little I know about it, I think time is everything. I believe the sooner it can be detected, the better chance the child has at fighting it. Of course you can't just blurt it out... Does this parent track their children's development, read books about it in order to become exposed to such information? I hope so. Maybe just say you noticed he's been a bit different and ask if she's noticed it as well. Maybe it's possible to direct her to the net or a book that leads to her discovering the potential for autism exists. Also, think about this, what would you want her to do if roles were reversed?

Answer 3

Perhaps your friend is scared of getting a diagnosis. Sometimes not knowing something for sure seems more desirable than bad news. But you know that there are therapies available that can help autistic children. I think approaching your friend gently with concern might just help, and you can give her some hope. I would think that something like, "You know Jill, I've noticed that little Jimmy is different from other kids. In fact, he seems to show some of the signs of autism. Have you ever had him tested?" might open up a conversation.

Answer 4

Try telling a story about an autistic child you have worked with and what you did to help him. It may be a gentle way to get her asking questions. But to be quite honest I think you should be blunt with her. Hopefully he is just very shy around strangers or other kids, so you might be getting that impression. You would tell her right away if he had broken his arm! Whether or not you bring it up is not going to change the circumstances...

Answer 5

it sounds like you are very close and hopefully close enough that she will receive you well

she probably needs your support with this too
whether she is reasy to accept or not who knows

but i dotn think you should wait
i had a friend whose son at 21/2 was speaking little more than mama dada screamed all the time and had trouble paying attn . he wouls also act out a little around other kids..
he now sees a speech therapist every day for 30 minutes and gradually it is helping
they say he is not autisitc but even so some kids just open themselves to learning better with other people than with their parents sometimes

Answer 6

you can talk to her about him might needing tests run due to him not talking, etc. tell her it could be a hearing problem tubes might correct, etc. don't say anything about autism. let the doctors weed it out. she will be in total denial. mothers tend to get on the defensive side, and she will feel she has to protect her child from what your telling her. she will feel you're seeing her as a bad mom, because he isn't really up to where he should be. she will have the "how dare you" attitude towards you for having ideas of anything being wrong with her child. friendship or not, it will be her mothering instinct to do so. i reacted the same way when a friend told me my youngest son might of had adhd. he did, but i had to go through a process before i could see it myself. i almost lost that friend due to the way i reacted. i had to call to apologize to her, but it was months after she came to me about it.

Answer 7

Hi there my twin son Thomas was diagnosed with severe autism at aged 3 and a half, to be honest with you i would tread very carefully when talking to the mum, i know you may have concerns about the little boy but... i know whats its like and as the mum you feel you know YOUR child better than anyone ? has he had development checks ? when my son did i raised concerns with my health visitor but she said he was only two and by the time he got to nearly three he still wasn't talking playing with his twin sister lack of eye contact, that's when he was refereed to an assessment unit for six weeks within three they diagnosed him with severe autism,
My son was diagnosed late but he is doing very well he has gone from non verbal to being able to say various things, and thats down to lots of help from us and his school, best of luck please take a look at my videos about Thomas on Youtube x
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ijPgSNaxhws

Answer 8

I have to wonder why your friend's pediatrician hasn't said something.. doesn't she take the child to the doctor? He could even have a hearing problem (you didn't mention suspecting that, however).

Yes, i'd be concerned, and i'd probalby mention this to her in the kindest way possible. Maybe your friend is in some sort of denial (this happens, as you know from your education and training).

take care.... and i hope it all works out well.

Answer 9

you tell her how much you care about them and that you think of her son like your own but as a child psychologist you have a few concerns and you know you would like to be told if it was you

Answer 10

your friend knows, a mother knows. she probably knew before you. be careful about these things, people can react in ways you dont think. it may embarass her that you know he is different. just love him, she knows in her heart.