Am I really as terrrible as he says?

Question

Ok, so I have been with my boyfriend for 6 months now and we fight atleast once everyday, and its always about little things! My boyfriend says that I make him feel stupid when "I tell him what to do"! However in my view I am not telling him what to do, I am offering my opinion on how to do it! I am in no way telling him to do it my way, just making suggestions! For example, he buttered a view pieces of bread tonight to make garlic bread and then attempted to use the toaster to cook them!! I said "John*, please don't use the toaster, I think thats a bad idea! why not use the oven?"! He proceeded to fly off the handle, and proclaimed that "I must think he is brainless", and " how would he ever live without me"! I feel terrible that he thinks I'm cutting him down! but, AM I being bossy!?!?! or is he just being irrational?

Answer 1

It is a combination of the two. He is not thinking rationally (yes, you are right that the oven is a better way to bake the garlic bread", but you come off as rather "momish" and that can be perceived as being condescending.

There is a better way to say things; you have to find it

Answer 2

OK... first of all... I wouldn't want my toaster smelling like garlic bread for the next few weeks while the butter and garlic from the bread finally dripped down and burned off the burners. But, if you feel you need to say something about everything he doesn't do the way YOU think he should do it then I would say you are not just being bossy... you are being controlling. If whatever it is he is doing will get the desired result without breaking or destroying something in the process then I think you need to leave him alone. We all have our own way that we have learned or taught ourselves to do things so there are several 'right' ways. You need to let go of control. No worries, you will survive it and it won't hurt you a bit. You may feel stressed at first because it isn't your way but by letting him do somethings his way you are saying, "I have faith in you as a person, I believe in you". That makes people feel good when you trust them even when it is unspoken. Trust me, once you learn to let go of control you will be a freer individual, it is liberating. EVERYTHING will be OK. Take care.

Answer 3

Putting buttered bread in your toaster is a pretty stupid thing to do. You'd have to be pretty careless and dumb to not realize that you are just going to end up buttering your toaster.

But then again, so what if you butter your toaster, it's not the end of the world, so unless you know for a fact that it's going to break your toaster, seriously, who cares, stop being so picky and bossy.

Honestly, I think BOTH of you have things to work on.
He is obviously not the sharpest knife in the kitchen, maybe even a bit short-tempered, and you are obviously good at stepping on his feelings, probably a habitual "critic."

Meet each other half way, or be on your own way. If you are feeling so miserable over something like a "buttered bread" incident, I think it's definitely time for some changes.

Good luck!

Answer 4

I am so glad you gave that example as it made things really clear as to what you are talking about.
You are not being bossy as it is pretty brainless to put already buttered bread in the toaster which could cause a fire. I think if he can't handle a bit of suggestion or criticism he is totally in the wrong. You are going to lose interest in him rather quickly so you had better talk to him about why you offer your advice and how his reaction is is inappropriate.
If it were me, since it's only been 6 months, I would dump him, problems this early can only mean more serious problems in the future.

Answer 5

Had you said ," if you toast that, the butter is going to drip all over the toaster"', he may have accepted your advice. Incidentally, what did happen? Did he toast it? Did the butter drip? What did you learn from this incident?

Did either of you feel good about yourselves afterwards? How did you regain your harmony?

Actually he was not fighting over a little thing. He was fighting because he feared you were saying that he was brainless. In more rational times, does he feel that you think he is the very best ? Are you willing to put in the work to convince him that that is your opinion of him? (Assuming that this is so.)

In his favour, he did not abuse you or call you names.
When you say that you have been quarrell constantly, what does that say about the harmony between you?
Were a serious issue to arise, do you have enough confidence in each other to listen and then to come to a decision based on common information?

Have you ever thought of both of you getting better people skills through councelling? Have you ever asked parents or friends how suited do they judge you to be? I overcame a situation something like this by complimenting my partener on his strengths at other times.

Finally, have you ever thought how unproductive your both your lives will be if you have to spend time and energy at least once a day arguing over incidentals?

Solving this situation healthily for both of you will mature you both even if you part ways. Try to find a way that does not damage either of you. I wish you both well.

Answer 6

Sounds like he has a complex. Talk to him. Tell him how intelligent he is, and how much you admire him for the things that he knows and does well. Tell him that there are certain things that you just have a little more experience with.

I would use this one if it were me:

"Honey, I do not know anything about cars (tools, repairs, or whatever he is good at), so I come to you for advice. I don't get angry when you tell me the best way to handle those things. I am just offering an opinion that might make this a bit easier for you. I am not trying to belittle you, honey. I am trying to help." or something to that effect.

Answer 7

What's wrong with the toaster? Maybe he likes it that way. You keep making suggestions and that how's your tone when you made those suggestions? It matters a lot. And if you're trying to do something your own way and something keeps making suggestion to do it another way, i'm telling you, you're ending up like my mom. It's isn't a suggestion anymore. It becomes a nag and you'll become an irritant. Different people have different way of doing things. So why not let it do it his way?

Answer 8

Hmmmm well is probably not so much what you say but how you say it. An the toaster thing he probably did think about the oven but maybe he didnt want to waste all that electricity.
Just remember this the worst thing you can do to a man is treat him and talk to him like a kid.

Answer 9

Um...

Yeah...he sounds like a real "Einstein" if he's throwing already buttered bread in a toaster...the butter would drip down and burn on the bottom of the toaster...but if I were you...and you really love this knucklehead...

Just let him make his own mistakes...it sounds like you ARE "nagging" him a bit...

I had a girlfriend that sounds just like him...she hated it when i pointed out "common sense" things to her...so...

Just bite your tongue, and don't say anything...let him be a "knucklehead" if he wants...

It won't kill you to remain silent, and just roll your eyes to the sky in silent exasperation...

If that's what it takes to stop the day-to-day arguments and keep the relationship intact...

Then you better remain silent...even if he's doing something stupid...(like putting already-buttered bread in the toaster...you were right about that...that's just dumb...)

Answer 10

If what your saying is acurate, No, your not being bossy. However, he may have a deep seeded inferority complex.There is something that is causing him to as you put it "fly off the handle", unfortunately if HE does not address it and find out "why", it is going to get worse and worse. If he will go to counseling with you great, if not, i would back out of this relationship. If he is not willing to recognize at the very least, the both of you need to learn how to comunicate to one another without offending all the time, he is not willing to work at a relationship. Good luck, this is easier said then done, i know and yes i have been there.

Answer 11

I thought people always use the oven while making garlic bread. Wow! that's kinda of crazy. Nah! I think he is being irrational though, try going one day without doing what you do to make him fly off. See if he finds something else to argue about. If so then you probably need to leave him be....Just a suggestion!