Someone wrote this...?

Question

In a question I read, (I won't say which one) someone wrote this answer:

"Adoption isn't the answer either. You will just stick a child in a system that doesn't care, it's pretty much the same as abandoning it."

I was adopted and I find this pretty harsh. I was a result of a druken one night stand and my mother couldn't have a second child by the time she was seventeen (she had my half brother a year before) and although she considered abortion she decided to put me up for adoption instead. And I am really pleased that she did so.

This person went on to imply that a child is better off aborted than adopted. And this really got to me.

Is this a common view upon people, and are some children being aborted because their mothers believe adoption would be an even worse option?

To Katie: I know a lot more about my birth parents than most adoptees do. I know about their lives, their other kids, where they live. I haven't met them though. But I do have a pretty solid idea of what my life would have been like with them. Besides I love my parents, and am so glad that they are my mum and dad rather than the druken floozy who got herself pregnant for the second time by the time she was seventeen! (No offense real mum - you've probably grown up a lot by now!)

Answer 1

Noodles, as both a mental health worker and as someone who actually has suffered from PTSD, I find your response to be despicable.

To the original poster:

It sounds like adoption was in your best interests. Sadly, that's not the case for all adoptees. Some children are given up needlessly, by biological parents who could have and should have raised them. Some were adopted by abusive adoptive parents. Some had not-so-good biological parents, good adoptive parents, and yet still don't appreciate everything about being adopted.

It's just... normal... to have a range of feelings on something as complex as adoption. And it IS complex. The idea that adoption saves an unwanted child from a miserable life and gives that child a "better" life is a fairytale. Sometimes it happens, yes, but not always. It's about time people started understanding that less-than-100%-happy reactions to adoption are completely normal.

Answer 2

I have great adoptive parents, and I would still never relinquish a child for adoption. I simply couldn't do it. I also would never presume to make that choice for anyone else.

From my experience, the "common view" is that adoption is unmitigatedly wonderful. However, my (adoptive) uncle, a child psychiatrist, discouraged his own son from adopting because adoptees are so overrepresented in the mental health system. So there are many opinions out there.

The reproductive choices women face (and we do bear more of the burden than the men do!) are complicated. We now live in a world in which women can truly make the best choice for them and their circumstances. When women make a different choice than the one your first mother made, that doesn't reflect on you, where you came from, or how you got into your family.

Don't let anyone else's opinion make you feel like you're a lesser person. You're not.

Answer 3

No, it's not a common view of many people here. Most people here will say that they love and respect their adoptive parents. They even acknowledge that their lives turned out good for being adopted.

But it's also common for an adoptee to wonder about their birth mother. They have tons of questions running through their minds. Why did their moms give them up? Were their moms forced to give them up? What is my background? And so on....

Does this mean adoptee's are ungrateful for being adopted? No! We have a right to ask questions.

Most of the answers I see do not promote abortion over adoption. Even those that are not all the way pro-adoption. I have only seen a couple of answers say " a baby should be aborted rather than adopted." Personally I don't feel this way. I'm for adoption. But that is MY opinion. Just like what that person wrote about adoption. That was THEIR opinion. That answerer does not speak for all of us.

So, pleas do not lump all of us in the same category, like a certain someone. She blocks people for just having a different opinion than what she has. Unless someone is downright vulgar and rude to you, there is no need to follow her advice.

Trust me i was fooled by her. I felt sorry and was begining to read into what she was saying. Now, i know the truth there are some people on here that do not want to hear all sides of adoption.

You need to learn to respect that other people have a different adoption story than you. Their adoption may not be all roosy and good like yours and mine. There are some on here that their adoptive parents were abusive to them. And that is why they write the things they do. It has nothing to do with you. It took me a long time to learn that. Now i can respect other peoples opionions.

As for the comment about the whole thumbs down thing. You have to be pretty parnoid to have that bother you. Really, if you are just on here to tell your story. Noones opinion should matter. They are just agreeing or disagreeing. It's your life!

In closing I would like to say... Stay on here. Tell your story or how you feel. Respect that others have a different story to tell than what you have.

Answer 4

Well that person obviously doesn't know what adoption can do for people! I was adopted and I am very happy with the way my life turned out. Adoption is better and more humane. I know that this is my own opinion, but most adopted people would say the same, Forget all those people who are against it. If it weren't for adoption my parents would never have had the chance to have a child. I am grateful that my mother was too young to keep me and that I got adopted by the people that I did. I love them as if they were my own flesh and blood, and i know I was better off with them as my parents than my own biological mother.

Answer 5

Umm, that is just one person's opinion. I don't think everyone said that abortion was better than adoption.

Some people have had a bad experince with their adoption. Like they were abused by the people who adopted them. So, were they better off?

I'm just saying not everyone on here believes that. Anyway, oh to that person that is carrying on about the thumbs down and PTSD(or whatever she wrote). why do you care about people's opinion. Just ignore them. It's their story and choice to speak about their adoption.

Answer 6

I think the person you quoted just had the wrong idea. There are different dynamics to adoption. He/she was speaking of the Group Homes where orphans who were did not have adoptive parents are placed. But I'm sure parents can make sure their children end up with adoptive parents and this was your case and I'm glad you had a fortunate life, which represents the brighter side of adoption.

And I must admit adoption is a viewed rather pessimistically by the majority and I do too. Being raised by my biological parents I can't imagine life without them which is maybe why people are so against adoption, the fear of not being with their real parents.

Answer 7

the wonderful thing about living in the western world is that we are generally not persecuted for our differing opinions. what does happen, however, is that some adults tend to act like perpetual 3-year-olds when someone has a contrary viewpoint.

that being said, people have varying views on adoption, BASED ON THEIR EXPERIENCE, primarily. my experience with adoption is totally different then grape's, a healing adoptee, and cowboyfan. that doesn't however, diminish one side as less valid than the others.

also, adoption is not an alternative to abortion. women who do not wish to be pregnant (and do not have the legislative hoops to jump in order to obtain a safe procedure) generally do not carry to term. the alternative to adoption is parenting. but i digress... (i feel like i'm singing a round. haven't i written this somewhere before???)

in general, women who chose adoption generally do so as an alternative to parenting.

also, i think it's a bit cowardly for some to post inflammatory comments on others' posts, yet block half the members in this community from commenting on theirs. also, i'm having a difficult time understanding how someone can develop PTSD from an on-line debate. just my observation.

be well...

Answer 8

I am for the most part a very happy person. I love my adoptive family. They are really good people. I have a nice life and I am not bitter about being adopted. I've never liked the fact that I was relinquished. It is something that has caused me pain. But I am also not one to wallow so I have made great efforts to rise above my feelings of grief that center around my relinquishment.

I know one thing for sure, I would never, ever make a child of mine an adoptee on purpose. I wouldn't wish the experience on my worst enemy. Being relinquished by my mother was the defining moment of my life. While I have always refused to let my anguish and feelings of abandonment determine the course of my life, I would never allow a child of mine to experience that kind of pain.

I know there are many who disagree and that is fine. That is their opinion and I would never dream of judging them for their own feelings about adoption but for me, it's just something I could never do.

Answer 9

I really admire how you look at your situation. I love this site, and decided to dabble in the adoption category this morning since I am a birthmother and mother myself. I was saddened to see that there are a lot of hurt and bitter feelings out there. Not to say they are not entitled to them, however, if we let the negativity consume us, we would never get anywhere in life. I can only hope my son will look at it that way someday. I will be honest. I thought of abortion to make it easier on myself. I was working at in a psychology office at the time and didn't want the docs or clients to look at me differently. My best friend said to me, "Why don't you consider adoption." I NEVER thought I could give away a baby! I already had a 3 yr old daughter that I was a single parent to, how could I possibly do that? Being a mother already, and to give up another? But, what is better? Killing the baby? It isn't their fault. I am a strong believer in Karma and thought too that I would be condemmed to depression for the rest of my life. Needless to say, something my BF had said clicked with me. Her mom, ironically, was involved in adoption proceedings with her 3rd husband - as he didn't have any children and she could no longer conceive. I had known the family forever. I called my BF's mom and cried. I asked if she would consider adopting my child. She was so happy! We all agreed this was the best thing, although, my best friend wasn't so sure at first that it was the best thing - knowing the family and being so close. I didn't mind - I thought it was better than having to get to know a family through the adoption. I opened up to the docs at work and obviously started showing to the clients who knew me. Everyone was so great about it. They all embraced me and the situation. It was a HUGE relief! Here I was ready to abort and had all the love and support in the world.
So long story short, I believe it is the unknown that drive people to the decisions they make. I, on the other hand, have learned that just because you think people will judge you, you could be completely wrong but you will never know if you don't do what you feel is right.
My son is now 4 yrs old and doing great! I cannot imagine him not being here. We have an open adoption and I tell my 8 yr old about her brother all the time. We see him sometimes, but she still doesn't get it that he "grew in my tummy too" as she did. It is the best situation I could possibly have asked for.

Thank you for your optimism. I am happy to see that an adoptee can see past all the negativity. It makes my day.

Take care and God Bless.

BTW, do you want to meet your bio parents?

Answer 10

It depends.

If the adopted person ended up with great adoptive parents, then they are more likely to say that adoption is a good thing. However, even many of these people don't think adoption is such a good thing, since they lost their mothers and extended families, and were not allowed to know them or grow up among them.

If the adopted person ended up with less than great adoptive parents (for instance, nice people but clueless about raising unrelated children) they are more likely to be split in their opinion of adoption.

If the adopted person ended up with not only clueless but abusive adoptive parents, you should not be surprised that many feel they would have been better off aborted than raised with such people.

What so many people don't understand is that adoptees generally don't see the situation as either/or. That is, it is not simply a matter of wishing they had been raised by their natural family vs. their adoptive family. It is more a matter of wishing they had had loving, empathetic adoptive parents who understood the unique challenges of growing up in a family that is biologically unrelated.

To say I wish I had not been adopted doesn't automatically mean that I wish I had been raised by my natural family. It means I wish I'd had different scenario than the one I got. I will never know what it would have been like growing up in my natural family because that never happened, and losing me changed my mother forever.

I am one who says I would have been better off aborted - but I mean I would have been better off aborted than growing up with the abusive adoptive family that I got. The way I see it, a few seconds of pain (which doesn't really happen since the spirit does not enter the body until moments before birth) is far preferable than a lifetime of pain. You see?

If the adoption industry doesn't start screening prospective adoptive parents better and following up on the adoptee's progress, then I would say a great many more adoptees will end up feeling they would have been better off aborted.