What would be the right thing to do in this situation?

Question

I am so confused and frankly I get tired of my father calling me. I know it sounds mean and heartless, but there is a reason why I feel the way I do. I am 30 years old and my father has been on drugs for as long as I can remember. He used to actually be functional (meaning he had a job), but now he does odd jobs such as cleaning bars, yard work, etc. He stays with his girlfriend off and on, but he verbally and physically abuses her. He abused my mother throughout their entire relationship (before and after I was born). He doesn't have a car and is basically homeless, whenever his girlfriend puts him out.

He was raised by his grandmother who passed away last October. She always took care of him and gave him money each month up until the day she was hospitalized and died. Because of the way she raised him, he grew up thinking the world and everybody in it owes him something. He is a good person overall but can be cruel and heartless and times. He is also VERY violent.

My mom took my brother and I to live in another state in 1991. I was 11 at the time. I didn't move back to here until I was 26. He came to live with us in the other state for a while, but things didn't work out so he left. Now that I am back here, it's like I am really the only person that he sees as family even though all his family lives here (his mother, sisters and brothers). My grandmother is afraid of him as he has done abusive things to her.

He's always asking for SOMETHING. Whether it be a ride, a few bucks, etc. He's even called me to bring him food. All the time he's sitting up at his girlfriend's house. I feel so guilty at times because he is my dad, and I do care about him. But he's the type of person that will go off on you in a second if he doesn't get what he wants. He's done it to me many of times before.

Today, he called my phone tons of times (as usual) while I am at work. When I checked the messages he wanted to know if he can have $2.50 to catch the bus to work tomorrow. He doesn't have a regular job, but apparently he has somewhere to go tomorrow. The thing is, his girlfriend told me he went to work on Friday. What did he do with that money? Whether he drugged it up or whatever (he says he's not doing drugs anymore, yeah right!), that's not my concern. But me and my husband now have a mortgage to pay, hefty car payments, etc. I don't have money to give him.

Also, I will have to drive maybe 10 or 15 miles from where I am now to give him $2.50. That's BS. He will call me in the middle of the night to come and get him from his girlfriend's after they've had a fight. But he has nowhere else to go so he wants to camp out at our house. He doesn't ask me for money a lot, but when he does it annoys me because he's always asking for SOMETHING.

I know this is long but this is so stressful for me. I hate people that think others owe them something. His excuse is that he never asks me for anything. He doesn't flat out ask for cash, but he will call me to say "Hey, can you bring me a beer and cigarettes. I don't ask for much".

He's gotten downright upset because I won't answer my cell phone. I usually don't when I see him calling because I know he wants SOMETHING. He rarely calls to say hello and goodbye. He does, but usually it's just to lead up to him telling me how homeless he is and how bad he's doing.

Well guess what? We're ALL trying to make it from day to day. I am trying to make ends meet myself. Just because I have a husband and we both work and have a new home, he somehow figures that we have money.

What should I do?

We don't have kids and he was verbally abusive to me as a kid ... and physically abusive (no sexual abuse). My husband feels sorry for him. I don't know when the last time was that he actually did this, but he is known to steal from people's house (after he's visited) when he's hunting for items to sell for drugs. I grew up with that so I know how he is, but my husband is naive because he didn't.

He would sell our electronics or whatever ... that is, of course when he was on drugs really bad. But I don't think he's ever stopped doing them.

Answer 1

Oh, hon. That's so rough, I'm impressed that you've made it through all that and still sound like a strong intellegent person!.

My recommendation to you is to lay it on the line with your dad. Tell him what YOUR requirements are. Tell him that you'll have dinner with him only when he's sober and that you won't loan him money, bring him food, etc just because he asks for it. Tell him that you've had it with his ways and if he wants a relationship with you it has to be on your terms or not at all.

I know it sounds heartless and mean, but that's the only way to deal with someone who is so far off (drugs, abuse, violence, entitlement, etc, etc). You may have to have no contact with him for long stretches of time to achieve this but I believe that eventually he'll clean up his act IF ONLY when he sees you.

Good luck and keep your chin up. You've risen above a lot, it sounds like.

EDIT: I just read your more recent comments and I still think that what I've said is the way to go, EXCEPT, I'd say, Hey, dad, you know how I don't answer my cell phone? You say you never ask for anything but the fact is, no matter how you word it, you do. You always want something. So you're chasing me away because I don't feel like anything but a free ride for you. I don't feel like you ever call cause you're my dad and I'm your daughter, you call cause I'm a softie for your pitiful begging. Look at me, dad, I'm an adult, I have a mortgage, I have a husband. I can't provide for you. I know you work but I don't know what you do with the money. I don't want to know what you do with the money. I'm fed up and so now I'm making the rules, and if you want to have ANYTHING to do with me, you'll listen. Here's how it is going to be from now on. I don't care how you treat everyone else, but here's how you have to treat me if you want to see or hear from me.

I know this must be so stressful and terrible. Tell your husband that you understand how this must seem to him cause he didn't live through it, but for that very reason, he needs to let you make the decisions regarding your father. Let him know how much happier and healthier you'll be if you can distance yourself from this situation.

ALSO, if your dad keeps calling and you don't want to hear from him, get a new number and drop the old one. Tell him if he wants to talk to you, he can send you a letter, and give him a pack of stamps. Tell him if you get the letter and you want to call him back, you will, but be sure to set your cell phone to not send the caller id number when you do call him back

Answer 2

I am in the exact same situation, my friend, except I am dealing with a half brother (we have the same mother) that fits the same description. We've basically ex-communicated him from our family because he has done nothing but cause anger, tension, stress, and hatred in our family. He's into drugs, stolen from everyone he knows, including my parents, been in jail and prison i don't know how many times, fights, drinking, etc. you name it. Last Christmas he came by so he could pick up his presents because, like you said, he thinks everybody owes him something. Mind you, we only hear from him when he's in jail, the hospital, or at Christmas. When there were none there for him he got all disgusted, saying that he thought he could come home for Christmas. By the way, he brought some trashy girl with him that he had been in jail for abusing. It's to the point where you would just as soon see him fall off the face of the earth for all the hurt he's caused the rest of the family. I know exactly how you feel, so don't feel bad about having those feelings just because you are a responsible adult. If you keep feeding your dad those small $2.50 loans, he's going to think he can keep coming back to you for more. My mom cut my half brother off completely years ago, and you need to do the same, my friend. He is almost 40 years old and hasn't grown up yet. Cut off all contact completely and forget about it. I know it sounds cruel but unless you've lived it (like you and I seem to have), then no one else will understand the situation. Seriously, I've totally forgotten about my half brother and my whole family has too, we're happier because of it. I know it sounds hard, especially around Christmas, but if you're like me at all, you have absolutely NO good memories of him, so try not to stress yourself out. It will be better in the long run, trust me.

Answer 3

It sounds like time for some tough love. Hard as it is, you need to cut him off. This may involve changing your number, but you need to get yourself away from this toxic person! A good thing for you might be to get involved with Al-anon or some other group that will help you deal with your feelings surrounding your father and his substance abuse; they can help you deal with any guilt you might feel for not dealing with him anymore, as well. If you have insurance that would cover it, you may even want some individual counseling as well (it helped me). I know this is hard, my dad was a drug user too and was abusive to my mom when I was little. He's supposedly straight now, but he still has a user's attitude and his mom took too much responsibility for him, too. It's the nature of a user to cause havoc in people's lives and it doesn't stop until you get them out of your life. What does your husband have to say about this? Lean on him some, too, that's what husbands are for! It sounds like he would probably support your decision to cut your father off too, it that's what you decide to do. I hope this all works out for you, you are both in my prayers!

Answer 4

Your options are to A) Take the place of his grandmother and start giving him money, B) Take his calls but refuse to support him financially, or C) Refuse to take his calls and cut him off completely.

If I were you, i'd go with option B unless he verbally abuses you as well. I would be seriously cautious about inviting a person like him into your life, especially if you have children or a husband. You certainly don't want to subject your children to his possible abuse. Personally, i think he sounds like a class A loser and i think you're probably better off without him in your life. But his IS your father, and if you feel like you can't cut him out completely, just be careful not to get taken advantage of and be aware of signs of abuse.

Answer 5

You do not have to have a relationship with this person. Get your phone # changed to start with. Tell him, if you haven't already, to quit calling you.
People like this, it's always $2.75 for the bus. Don't get caught up in the details - it's always the same ****. If you're going to cut him off, do so. Don't relent the next time it's $2.75 for the bus.
People like this always find someone else to take care of them. He's trying to make it be you. Let him know that isn't going to happen.

Answer 6

I've heard three of the saddest stories now and I'm getting pretty bummed out. Some times you have to cut the ties and I'm only saying this because he is abusive and you shouldn't have to put up with this.
My mother died in June 2007 and my brother in August 2007. My mother used to call me constantly and it would drive me crazy.Now I am so sorry. She had cancer through out her body and couldn't help it. (I didn't know that).My situation is different. She was no mean or abusive.
You have to decide what is important to you.Lots of prayers to you!!

Answer 7

Your grandmother was an enabler. She only wanted to care for her child, as you want to care for your father, but every time you help an addict with anything more than a ride to rehab, you are enabling the addiction. As hard as it is, you have to keep saying NO to him because as long as he has people willing to take care of him, he doesn’t have a reason to get and stay clean.

If you have cable, check out Intervention on A&E. I think it might put your situation into perspective.

Answer 8

Personally I would see it like this. He is a grown man and its time like he starts acting like one. You are his daughter, not his mother, and it's not your job to take care of him. The fact is that you'r never going to be able to help him until he's ready to help himself. Have you ever seen the show intervention on A&E? The people never get better until they are ready to take responsibility for themselves. I know he is your father and you love him but wouldnt you rather see him as a man who can handle his own?

I would personally change my number and call him occasionally to check up off of a blocked number but do it gently as to not strike up his violent side.

this is just my personal advice and I dont want you to be offended at how harsh it seems. Good luck with it all though

Answer 9

You are fully allowed to stop talking to your father. He is a user and will not do for himself what he can get others to do. Remember one thing: As your father, he owed you something that he never gave you which is parental support. I am not talking about money. I am talking about the place that a parent takes in his child's life. You owe him nothing.

Answer 10

I would reccomend keeping your distance.
change your phone number if you need to.

You have to prioritize. You need to be safe, and be able to enjoy your life.

Your safety has to be the most important thing and if he in any way jepordizes that, then you need to step back.