Something is wrong with my way of thinking, please help...?

Question

Im 35 divorced and am trying to end an 8 year relationship but I dont know how. Even though I know somethings not right for me I cant find it in my heart to stay mad long enough to make a point so i accept the pain & try to make the best out of the worst situations. friends say its my self estm or I just dont want to be alone & Im having a hard time with that. I stand 4"11 and Im overweight but I feel that I am beautiful and yes my size bothers me alot but because of my shape I still feel like I can be sexy. i dont feel like noone else would be intrested in me or that I love the abuse I think that mentally something is wrong. I am a very loving person but being me has only caused me pain. my mother was married 3 times and each divorce left me without a father.evry relationshp i been in I find it so hard to let go. dont remember much of my childhood and I wonder if this is what is holding me back. i was told my mom was abused but i dont remember & i cant ask her she died 5 yrs ago.

Answer 1

I am sorry about your mom, not a day goes by that I don't want to ask mine something, it can be hard.

You weight has nothing to do with anything. If you love yourself, everyone else will too.

Sounds like you have abandonment issues and you feel someone is better than no one. Not true. How can you find the right one when the wrong one is in the background? How can you be happy if your in a relationship that makes you so unhappy you are wanting to get out of it, yet don't know how?

Is it a matter of money? Does he hold the majority of the income and you are afraid that you can not make it without him? Get a second job and send him packing.

Why would you swallow your pain and your pride for this person why is he worth it, yet you are not? You too are a person that deserves to be happy and have the best things in life and if you cant see that, you need to open up your eyes and look not only at your outter self, but your inner self as well.

You owe it to yourself to move on with your life, you deserve to be happy and to be hapy with the right person, which he is not or you would not be thinking about leaving.

It is all out there for the taking, rid yourself of this guy and go take what you want from life, not what people give you!

Answer 2

You say right now that you want to end it. Then when the time comes you no longer have the nerve or even want to. Not to be cruel but you need to Sh*t or get off the pot. You know getting out would be the best thing for you. Don't "Think" about it. Go all Nike commercial on it and "Just do it". Quick like a band aid. Get mean. Get cold. Get self absorbed. Do whatever you gotta do to put yourself in the right state of mind. And when the time comes pull the freakin trigger. Worry about tomorrow when it comes along. Do what needs doing today. If you're in a bad relationship it isn't going to get any better. It will only get worse. Do you know of ONE relationship that has gone from the people being misreable and wanting to break up to them being happy? End it.

Life if very, very short. To damn short to be unhappy.

Answer 3

You know, you don't have to be angry to break up. After my second divorce, I tried Match.com and the biggest thing that taught me was to just say "I don't think this is a good fit. I wish you well in the future."

After 8 years, if it's not a good fit, then it's not. Life is too short to waste on being unhappy with someone. You aren't married to this person, so sit him down, tell him you're unhappy with the relationship, that it isn't as satisfying to you as you'd hoped it might be. Tell him you've kept trying to keep it going but finally realized all you're doing is trailing along being miserable. Wish him well in the future and thank him for being there to be a teacher to you.

Then move on. And when you move on, think about the qualities you want in a man before you go looking for one. Determine what makes you happy in a relationship and don't settle for less. If anything, you may have been taught to settle for second, third or fourth best rather than both believing you deserve the best, and happiness to boot, and being taught how to go for the best. Start now. It's an adventure with benefits. I found my one and only by finally waking up to this.

Answer 4

Maybe you are just comfortable and afraid of (not being alone) but starting over!? relationships are a tough deal, and they require a lot of work. You put 8 years into this one, and thats hard to let go of. You have seen the same face for 8 years and now you are going to say goodbye forever!!! thats difficult. But you know what? If you are unhappy, you need to find the strength within you to let him go. It;s going to hurt like hell for a while, but if you stick to your guns and make sure you don't go back, you will get over him and be able to start the healing process and move on! Good luck hun! :)

Answer 5

I'm in a relationship with someone I can't seem to stay mad at too... no matter how bad he treats me, as soon as I see him, his skewed logic suddenly works for me. Once he's not with me, I feel completely different... I see what he's doing to me and I see how emotionally bad for me he is... I just can't seem to leave. I've had low self esteem my whole life... always end up with guys who are bad for me... I, too, am very loving and forgiving... it's a great quality, but it can be horrible for you if you spend time with people who will take advantage of it. My advice to you is to do what I'm doing. Don't take any crap from this guy... if you want out, or even if you're not entirely sure yet, just get away. Spend some time pampering yourself; doing things for yourself. You've got to love yourself before you can let anyone else in. Good luck sweetie.

Answer 6

I am sorry to hear that! Check out this website www.womansavers.com & go to the message boards. There are a lot of helpful ladies on this site that might be able to shed some light on your situation. Also a good way to boost self-esteem & meet someone new is to go to a gym or some type of activity that you like. Here is a quote from Buddha that really helped me out in time of need: "We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make our world."

Take Care

~ j

Answer 7

Make a list of ALL the reasons you should leave. Make a list of all the negative things this person has done. Keep it in your purse and look at it everytime you think to stay with him. You already acknowledge it is not a good situation. Now you just need to follow through.

Answer 8

Well your right in thinking this is Your issue. I came from a similar upbringing and can relate a bit to what your thinking. My only suggestion is to do what your doing, Find a group or "this" confide in a stranger. the more you talk about it and esp. writing it so you can reread it will help you to figure out whats holding you back from making the changes that you want to make. Cold you be finding your missing farther figure in your relationship?

Answer 9

I believe that you need to see a counselor ASAP. Check your insurance at work, maybe you have an employee assistance program or call 211 (The United Way) from any phone in the US. You sound like a cool person - go do it now.

Answer 10

First make a plan, you don't need to be angry to leave someone.
Make a list of steps you would take and the order to take them in.
Would you move or kick him out?
Would you need to find a roommate?
Where would you look for a place to live or roommate.
Would he take half the furniture so you need to buy more?
How much money will it take to make the transition.
If you aren't living together it is easier, simply don't accept dates with him and tell him you aren't interested in him. You don't even need to tell him why.