Grieving the death of an ex-bf?

Question

My ex-bf died suddenly last month. He was my 1st bf and I only have good things to say about him. Our families have remained very close or well over 10 years and even though we both had moved on with our lives, we remainded friends.

He died on a plane crash last month. I feel extremely sad for his family and also for myself. I feel guilty about feeling sad for his death because a) He was married b) I'm engaged, and I do not think that calling his family would be appropiate and I do not want to impose either.

What would be the propper etiquette here? I'm clueless

Thank you so much for all of the answers. I definetly do not want to be unsensitive to his wife. His parents made sure that I knew (I've rellocated hubdres of miles away ) and recently sent me a slide show that was played at the memorial. They have been very gracious by informing me and I do not know what would be appropiate as I do not want to upset his poor wife any further. Thank you for all of your answers. I like the idea of sharing a special memory with them. Just to add, no, we were not involved romantically after we broke more than a decade ago and he's (was) a great family friend.

Thank you so much... you guys are great

Answer 1

I think to express your sympathy and sorrow, you can send flowers and either a short note or a letter to his parents. I'm sure they'd be happy to hear what good memories you have of him, but I would not impose any more than that. His wife is grieving as well and may not take kindly to sharing grief for her husband with his ex girlfriend.
Chances are, his parents will write back and hopefully that will give you the communication you're looking for.

Answer 2

If he was your first boyfriend, I assume this was a long time ago. And your families were friends for 10 years...I would consider the deceased a friend of yours and of your family rather than an ex-bf...(I'm assuming the time you spent as friends was quite a bit longer than the time you spent as a couple)...and treat the situation according to that. Seek support elsewhere (therapy, group, friends, etc...) if he can't provide it.

They're probably being bombarded with phone calls, making arrangements, and grieving. I'm sure they wouldn't take your phone call the wrong way if you did call, but probably wouldn't really notice (at least not for a while) if you did call.
If your families were close for 10 years, I would think that your phone call would be welcomed and appreciated as a friend of the family.
I wouldn't say anything about him being your boyfriend or along those lines though....keep it heartfelt and simple.

You have lost a friend, too...you have a right to go to the funeral, grieve with family and friends, and offer your condolences to his family. More importantly, you have every right to grieve for a lost friend that you shared so much with. Don't let anyone tell you differently.
It may be hard for your fiance to understand, but hopefully he can put his feelings aside and understand that you are grieving for a friend. Try to understand his point-of-view and ask him for his support, explaining how the deceased was a close friend. If it's still bothering him, it's up to you how you handle it...you can get upset with him and leave him*, or just not grieve to or around him (and everything in-between)...but allow yourself to grieve either way.
*I don't recommend making any major life decisions while you are still in any stage of grief.

If you just don't feel comfortable about it, send a sympathy card and flowers from your whole family. You should do this either way, in addition to the phone call even...at least the card.

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. It's hard to lose someone that was so dear...even if the relationship was long ago.

Answer 3

I am very sorry to hear about your problem. You are not obligated to go the service, as you are not a member of his family. You have sent your condolences to the family and that is sufficient for now. The reason we attend funerals is to comfort the family and others who may be grieving. We also go to say farewell and to recieve the comfort from others. As an ex-girlfriend, you will probably not be recognized as a mourner who needs comfort, and you seem to believe that you won't be able to provide succor to the other mourners by your presence. There is actually little closure to outstanding emotional issues that can be accomplished during a memorial service. You do not need to open up those issues immediately, but can grieve on your own. Good luck.

Answer 4

There is no reason you should feel bad about mourning the loss of someone you had fond feelings for in the past You've said that you didn't have a bad breakup, and you appear to be sincerely happy that he found someone, too, so there is no reason that his family should feel any anger directed toward you. I think it would be quite a nice gesture to give a donation in his memory to a charity that he would have appreciated (it doesn't have to be elaborate, if you'd chosen to send a plant or flowers the cost can be anywhere between 30-75 dollars, I would think somewhere in that range would be appropriate, but if you can't afford that much, whatever you can would be fine). The charity should be more than happy to send a card to his family that says something along the lines of "Ms. Sue Jones has given a donation in memory of Mr. Jack Johnson to further cancer research" or something to that effect. I'm sure the family would appreciate seeing the memory of their son live on in the good works of others.

Answer 5

Well...

Do what your heart dictates you to do. Even you're engaged and your ex-bf who died was married, you still have been a good part of his past. Both of you have a good memories together.

Just incase you want to go his wake, you may do so just remember that you shouldn't show much emotion. Don't shed a tear, but you may do so when no one's around or else others may interpret a different meaning. You may tell his wife that you have been good friends before and you just came show sympathy to his family.

Answer 6

regardless as to whether he was an ex, and you had romantic feelings for him once, long ago... you are still mourning the loss of a good friend.
it is completely normal to feel this way, though. dont read too much into the sadness you feel for the loss of a friend.
dont take these feelings as any sort of clue that you don't love your fiancee completely. this man had an impact on your life. both because he was a big part of your romantic life, however long ago, but mostly because he was your friend.
you might also consider channelling these feelings toward helping his wife and his family- if it is appropriate. this will help you heal as well.

I am so so very sorry for your loss, and wish you all the best with your pending marriage.

Answer 7

Talk to your fiancee about it. I am sure he will understand. If he doesn't, then you probably shouldn't be marrying him.
I think that you should call the family of your ex-boyfriend, just to see how they are doing. It is nice to hear from people (anyone) when you have suffered a great loss, even if it is for a short time, like 5 minutes. Just ask how they are, and tell them what a great person their son was.

Answer 8

It would be perfectly appropriate to call his family! Obviously, you were friends with your ex-bf. You have every right to mourn the loss of a friend, or to express your deepest sympathies to his family.

If you aren't comfortable calling, it's also perfectly appropriate to send a card, with a heartfelt note of sympathy. Trust me, it will mean a lot to his parents/siblings to know that a lot of time may have passed, but that he wasn't forgotten by you, and that he touched your life enough to still be considered a friend.

I'm so sorry for your loss!

Answer 9

It's totally appropriate for you to call his family and express your sympathy. You are sad because he was a big part of your life once and your family has stayed connected to his family for a very long time. Even though you were no longer dating, it doesn't mean you won't feel a loss. You lost a friend who was good to you and was a very special person in your life at one time. I would call his family and express how sad you feel for their loss and tell them how happy you are that he was a part of your life. It's okay to feel sad. You aren't betraying your fiance or his wife. Many people break up and remain friends for life. There is nothing wrong with that. I'm sorry for your loss.

Answer 10

Send a nice card to his family that says you treasure your memories of dating this fellow and you grieve for their loss. THEIR loss, not yours makes it perfectly acceptable.

It's also very normal for any person to grieve for the death of somebody you know well, even if that person is an ex-partner. It would be rather crass to feel the opposite way, don't you think -- to say, "Who cares?" when a good person has died so young and so tragically?