when someone is diagnosed with cancer how do you console them when they want the world to leave them alone?

Question

my husband has been diagnosed with prostate cancer. He is trying to shut me out. How do i get in there and hold him togeather? What can i do to hold him togeather during his hour of need? What kind of info do i look for? Which way should i present it to him?

Answer 1

After I was diagnosed I couldn't stand it when people, my husband included, would say, "You'll be alright, your not going to die". So maybe if you back off a bit with the consolation, it will bring you closer together in the long run.
There are so many things to come to terms with. Everyone copes in their own way and men do tend to keep their feelings to themselves.
To keep my spirits up I'd go to the video store and get out the funniest movies I could find. I listened to Monty Python songs every day.
Laughter is a great emotional release.
You know the old saying " If you don't laugh you'll cry" and it's true.
Another big help for me was this website.
http://www.acscsn.org/
The chat rooms are great. Talking to others going through the same thing. Not just the cancer sufferers, but their family and friends are welcome there too. I wish my spouse had made the effort to go there, he would have understood more about what I was going through.
Also the personal webpages of the different members that you can sort through by cancer type, age and sex. You can read how others coped.
I wish you both the best of luck as you start on this journey. It's not going to be easy, but I hope you'll stay strong for him.
I'll be sending positive thoughts your way.

Answer 2

That's an easy one: Leave him alone. In the meantime educate yourself as much as possible on what's happening with the cancer, maintain your positive outlook and do what you can to show that you care about him. You may want to consider some kind of counseling for yourself since after all this is a difficult time for you also.

Different people handle this differently. When I was diagnosed over two months ago, I went through a time of wondering who if anybody to tell about it. It didn't take long to come to the conclusion that the more people I tell about it the more are going to realize that cancer is real, and if we take the time to get checkups and catch it early there's a better chance of it being beaten. So far several dozen men I've talked to have scheduled physicals after being away from a doctor for several years.

So it may do you some good to pull your support network together, tell all the people you know who will help you through and for you to get the help you need. Then and only then will it be more likely that he will see your example and get the help he needs.

Then again maybe he doesn't need help at this point and retiring to his cave for awhile is his way of putting his strength together for this good fight.

So as strange as this may sound, focus on yourself and let him take care of himself. As others have said, give him some space, stay in your business, and you'll both be much better off.

Answer 3

My FIL just found out he has prostate cancer. One thing about prostate cancer that the guys have problems with is the part where alot of patients that have surgery can't have an errection afterwards. This might be part of his worry. Part of processing having cancer is the wanting to hide part. I know I wanted to do this as well.

I do know when the men get the surgery... the outcome with most prostate cancers is GREAT. My FIL is getting the surgery and won't need chemo or anything afterwards. They say most don't. My FIL is expected to live 20+ more years his Dr. said.

Hey, good luck, and hang in there, he'll come around.

Answer 4

I would give this person some alone time. It sounds like they need some time to absorb the information and deal with it. One thing you could do is maybe buy a couple of self-help books that help cancer patients deal with their diganosis. I thought Lance Armstrong's book was fabulous, but there are a lot of fabulous books out ther on this subject. to honor this persons privacy, you could mail it to them or just leave it on their doorstep.

Another thing you could do is maybe leave some small gifts or send a card now and then just to let your friend know that he is not alone.

Finally, if you can find an online support group that is specific to the type of cancer he has, that might be helpful. I say MIGHT because if he is dealing with a grim prognosis, this type of resource may not be helpful. But if he has a fairly good prognosis, then this could be the very boost he needs to realize that he CAN win this fight!

Best of luck to your friend! And you are a great friend for wanting to help him.

Answer 5

First i think that he is still in denial, then he is worried about what other people will think. Until you have had cancer you don't realize what an emotional roll-a-coaster it puts you on. When you first hear those words YOU HAVE CANCER, your whole life seems to fall into a pit. You need to let him know that regardless of what comes, is that you are there for him and will always be there for him. tell him when he gets ready to talk you will be there to LISTEN! go on with life as normal as you can, don't treat him any different. cancer patients don't want people to pity them, nor do they want people to treat them any different. Be cause we are not any different, we just have a disease and we can help it. Its best for him and you to go on with life as normal as the both of you can. When he gets ready to open up, he will. God bless and I hope thing will go smooth for the both of you.

Answer 6

When I got cancer the second time I just wanted people to leave me alone. Always having someone telling me I was sick made me forget what I was living for. I longed so much for life to be normal, to be treated as normal, and to fight it in the most normal way I could. Are you sure that he wants/needs your support at this time? Are you just projecting what you need? Maybe you are the one that needs to talk about it and not him. GIve him time and if he wants to talk about he will come to you. If not just act like normal and maybe let him know that you are there for him but you arent going to be bugging him anymore about it. Sometimes when people dont feel pressured to talk they will really open up.

Good luck!

Answer 7

If he just recently found out then he is overwhelmed and needs some space as he sort out his feelings in this. Be there for him and wait until he is willing to talk. Let him know you are there when he wants you. If this has been going on a long time, then he needs to see a therapist. He has issues to work through until he can be more involved with others.

Answer 8

needless to say they care very lots for you. they don't understand which you incredibly want some on my own time. they're attempting to assist yet are being overbearing. perhaps you are able to clarify that their soaring is smothering you and might incredibly they take turns staying with you instead of anybody crowding around at one time. As for unasked for suggestion, have the surgical technique, that's going to be over lots faster that the chemo and could be much less painful interior the long-term.

Answer 9

Give him a hobby. The book A Cancer Battle Plan is one woman's journey toward fighting it. It's a real eye opener. If you have cancer it says on page 45 - "Cancer is a degenerative disease and as such can be reversed..." Dr. Harold Manner is quoted on Page 38 - "Cancer can be reversed and controlled only if we regenerate the liver." Page 44 says "it works by removing the cause of the illness, whereas most drugs merely relieve the outer symptoms."

The key behind this book is that drugs and chemo don't address the cause of the cancer, only the symptoms (the cancer itself). If you get rid of the cancer, you still didn't address the cause, and the book says 75% have a recurrance of cancer that went the medical route. The key is to address the cause so you don't ever see the symptom (the cancer).

Answer 10

I assume that he just recently found out. Give him time to come to terms with his diagnosis. It's hard to accept the fact that you have cancer. Just let him know that you are there for him when he is ready. Good luck to you and especially him.