24 and still getting in trouble by my parents?

Question

I am married with two kids and still getting in trouble by my parents. In there defense I was a horrible teenager. I was mean and got into a lot of trouble. This didn't end until the day I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. After that my whole life changed. But somehow our relationship didn't. I used to think that I couldn't make them happy because I was doing everything wrong but now ....I have two babies, one with Autism, I run a home daycare and a household....and now they are so quick to judge everything I do and if it is not the way they wanted me to do it , they let me know. They do help me out a lot with the kids ( helping me transport my daughter to and from calsses and babysitting when we need it) but I feel like I have to sit back and take it cause I can't afford to make them mad and not help me anymore. I am sensative by nature but this is really starting to stress me and my husband out. We are grown adults and shouldn't have to worry about making......

the decisions they want us to on pretty much every issue they know about. I know I shouldn't let it bother me so much but I get really upset everytime they find something wrong. I am doing everything I think of to make them happy ( church, we take the kids to Disneyland every week, I mean I spend 24 hours a day 7 days a week with my family) but if the house isn't clean when she stops by my mom will make me feel like a horrible mother. How can I let her know this without getting another lecture!

Answer 1

First of all one cannot be judged by how they were as a teen compared with how they settle down as an adult. Your right, its very common for a child to settle us down and change our ways. We now have someone else who our actions reflect. We begin to consider our children and what might happen to them if we mess up.

It sounds as though your parents have gotten stuck in the past and are still trying to set guidelines and probably think they must keep you on track of some sort.

What I would do is sit them down and say YES I know I was a problem as a teen and I caused alot of havic, and caused you alot of worry.

I can now understand that worry as now I am also a mother and I now worry too. In the process of worring for my own child it has brought me to a different point in my life. One that I care about my actions, choices and consequences. I can understand your looking at me from my past actions but the fact is I am no longer that person. Now I am a mom and I value my parenting and family. I want to do good where as before it wasn't such a big deal to do bad. I am through that stage and now a parent myself.

Just as you have found we don't always do it right or make the best choices, I will find out to. However I'd liek that space to be a mom, to make my mistakes and to learn from them and provide myself and my child with better than the route I was on prior. Tell them you now have a child (2)and what you do reflects them and you are making better choices and not that careless teen anymore.

Part of life and being a parent is doing what we think is best and handling it when later we find out it wasn't. Thats a part of life for all. At this point in your life you no longer want to be careless but a good mother. Your choices and values are different. Tell them due to that you need the to have more faith in you to do things right and that you will be trying your best and learning as you go just as they did.

Tell them you need their support and are so grateful to have parents that can and will give it. Just the same you need them to believe in you as you try to make a life for your own family. Sure you'll make mistakes we all do but now you care about fixing them and doing the right things. You just need the room to be able to grow and do them without being knocked down.

Tell them you realize your method may be different but so are the children and times. It all changes. Even from your mother to her mother. What you need from them is the support they give, and also their faith and trust that you want to be a good mother and are trying. That even when and if you do mess up that you are grown now and have beeter skills to get past those things and to learn form them. You know they care and are trying to help but that isn't the type of help you need right now and you feel its making an extra weight on your shoulders as your trying to please everyone and keep peace but this time you just needed to speak up becuase you don't want it putting a distance between you. That you know they want whats best and whats best is for you to be able to do it yourself and for them to trust you can.

Tell them you have all they have taught and given you and a bit of your own style and you are confident with that you can do this. Maybe with a few mistakes or things done differently than they might, but just the same you need a bit of space to learn this and to decide what best works for your family. That at times you may even need their advice, or opinion, but not always, or in a battle between your own, and theirs.

Just showing them your able to sit them down and talk may show that hey our daughter is growing up and able to think for herself and maybe they will nag you a bit from worry, but perhaps telling them might make it less as they will be a ware the judgements are not helpful to you. tell them the difference you have in raising children you need to be ok with them so you can grow as a mom and grow with your children. So they can learn to count on you as you have been able to your own parents.................. All your asking is to have spme space and to allow your differences to be ok rather than wrong.

Answer 2

I completely understand. While I do not have kids I do have the same type of parents you do.
Write a list of the things that bother you. If you can write it out so it doesnt sound like you are attacking anyone.
Find a time to sit down and talk to your parents with out the kids in the same room.
Tell them that you appreciate everything that they do for you and how they help you even though you were a difficult teen.
Then tell them that it hurts your feelings when
they treat you________. You are an adult with two children and a husband. You would appreciate it if they would treat you like the adult you are, and that holding your past over your head daily is not helping you and it is making it hard to talk to them.

When you do talk try and remain calm. If they get upset and yell or anything let them. Dont do it yourself.
It may take some time for them to see you as an adult.

Good luck. hope this helped.

Answer 3

I am not suggesting you fight with your parents. But just be an adult. It is fine to say, 'I appreciate your advise but I think I am going to..," "I understand your concern but I'm the Mom and I am going to...," It is also okay to talk with your Mom and Dad and tell them what you told us. They may not even realize that they are doing this.
None of us are perfect and even the best children turned parents do things differently than perhaps their parent would, that doesn't make you or them right. It's just life. Also as parents I am sure they made a few mistakes, you are entitled to make a few too.
Even with the best children, it is sometimes difficult for parents to realize, accept and act accordingly to us being grown up now. It is about asserting your adulthood and independence.
Just confront each little thing as it occurs and don't let it build up and end in a blow up.
Good Luck!

Answer 4

You need to stand up and be a women. Sometimes you just have to make people mad. But, if they suggest something, and you don't agree with it, tell them, and give a reason why. My parents sound a lot like yours. I lived miserable through 2 wives and 3 children before I was able to put my pants on and stand up to my parents. Now, we get along so well it is really scary. I did that about 10 or 12 years ago.

Answer 5

The only way to stop it is to get in a position where you don't need their constant help. If they have consistently helped you daily or even weekly with your children, then you still NEED them. Grown-ups don't need their parents like that. I am not trying to be mean, I know how hard it can be to have a child before you are an established grown-up. I am just trying to help you see it from your parents point of view. When you stop relying on them they will begin to see you as a self sufficient grown up.

Answer 6

Yes, you're grown adults with your own family. So your independence shouldn't be an issue. Perhaps you need to take a step back, and keep your issues within your own home. Families can be very stressful. And grandparents arent meant to be so strongly depended upon....Especially if you're unable to accept their opinions, both positive AND negative.

Answer 7

Parents: 3x a week Teachers: Once or Twice a Year. Today I got in trouble by my science teacher lol

Answer 8

Call up your parents and make a lunch/dinner date with them.
Ask your husband to watch the kids so you can go alone.
During lunch/dinner tell them how you feel and how you realize your mistakes of the past and that you want to apologize. Tell them you asked them to lunch/dinner move forward. At the end of lunch/dinner, pick up the tab to show them how much you appreciate them and have grown.
Your parents should see your effort and hopefully move past their anger to start enjoying their time with you and their family.

Answer 9

Ha....I'm 54 and still subject to disapproval by my mother...and sometimes even my own kids! But at my age I figure I have the right to do with my life as I please...and if some one wishes to critizise, okay, but beware, in doing so you've given me the green light to voice my disapprovals of you since I now am an adult. So judge not lest ye be judged.....
First you gotta develope a thicker skin....took me years to do so but I finally did ...was over 50 at the time and an older relative accused me of talking to someone they thought I shouldn't be talking to behind their back ( there was nothing wrong with this person, on the contrary, but because we had met online this relative didn't approve) That tore it for me so I responded by telling them point blank I was 52 not 15 and could talk to who ever I damn well pleased to, without anyone's permission.....and I didn't have to run by anyone's name for their approval...of course I got the phone slammed down in my ears but I stuck to my guns...eventually they called and said they were motivated by concern, and fear that I might marry this person and move away, which I did, another story but they've accepted it thanks to my adult kids, of all things!...and we talked. Now this relative thinks the guy ( now my Hubby) is a great guy and often asks, in a polite way, questions to assure themselves I'm taking good care of him lol.....

Let them know you appreciate all they are doing for that's what parents/grandparents do, but it doesn't give them the right to run your life...let them disapprove of your choices but as long as those choices are not illegal, amoral, tell them in a calm, non aurgementative but firm way, they do have that right to their feelings, but you do have the right to live your life as you choose, as they have the right to live their life as they choose.....you've got to move past the minor child mode and into the Adult child mode....once you do they will have no choice but to treat you as an adult, not a baby.....and if they do things you don't approve of, let them know, but in a polite, respectful way...they'll get the hint....let them know their current approach is stressing you and making conversing very unpleasant when it doesn't have to be...and that you expect your adult status to be recognised and respected by all....you do want their input and advice, but not a list of dictates /orders as to how you run your business.
...and if their help depends on you doing everything their way then hon, look else where for that help. Convenience born of that kind of stress aint worth it, believe me....

Answer 10

step 1:Sit down and talk about it
Step 2: get on there good side
Step 3:Milk them
Step 4: but them in an old peoples home or "Retirement Village"

or....
wat ever floats ur boat